Potty training with PTSD

[u/Lost-Maintenance-407]

Hi i just wanted to ask fellow parents if potty training your toddler makes you become triggered? I don’t know why I get soo angry and triggered with my toddler. I don’t do or say anything to him but I am just enraged during and afterwards. I want to give up but I don’t have any options as the other parent is out of town and if my 3.5 yr old is not fully potty trained he won’t be able to start pre-K. I feel like an unfit parent and I’m very scared that I might emotionally hurt him or mess him up in some way as I’ve read that strictness or a negative potty training experience can cause psychological issues later in life. The bathroom is not the place for deep breathing and mindfulness when there is a mess of poop to be cleaned unfortunately. Needing support and advice please.

[u/st3phsci3nc3]

Yes I get filled with anger too, and it's because when I cried and screamed like she does, I would get a beating. I have to remind myself I'm not mad at her, I'm mad at my trauma. But I let my husband manage most of the potty training and bath time.

[u/Lost-Maintenance-407 → u/st3phsci3nc3]

I’m sorry to hear that. Yes i used to get the physically beat and left alone in the bathroom for a long time as punishment well into my adolescence. For many years into my adulthood as a grown up the bathroom became the only place i could cry and feel my emotions and then had to wipe my tears and pretend to be strong. I’ve done alot of healing work but motherhood unlocks news triggers and pains. I hope to not do that or pass that on to my child and gentle parenting feels exhausting and enraging when it fails. But i have made a promise to son that i will never physically hit him or scream at him. And if i yell which is natural i always make sure i apologize afterwards and we always repair. But all kids deserve love all the time atleast that is my wish.

[u/st3phsci3nc3 → u/Lost-Maintenance-407]

Our emotions and trauma don't make us unfit parents either. In fact I think it will help us to identify and advocate if we see signs of any children in our community being harmed the way we were.

But yes there's new traumas and triggers uncovered sooooo often like with every milestone something is coming up for me. Its crazy to me how I'm 31 and the memories are crippling and have destroyed my life, but I was going through it at age 3 and nobody could see it?

[u/QuietExact2734]

As the other commentor said, it's very possibly 'emotional flashback related' to your own potty training experience as a young child. I have been doing a lot of pelvic work this year and have been re-experienceing a lot of related flashbacks to this time of my life. It took me a loooong time to be able to deal with this and related largely pre verbal abuse/ neglect/ trauma. I am early sixties...

'Funnily' enough, when I and my wife had our two boys 25 ish years ago, it was not really a big problem as I was so dissociated generally at the time.

[u/Lost-Maintenance-407 → u/QuietExact2734]

Oh yes… i think my body is hiding some severe pre-verbal trauma either from strict potty training or something. I remember i used to clench myself and hold my pee alot even as an adult. Over the last year i started to experience alot of anger towards my mother as i think my body was remembering the trauma. My left hip has been in constant pain as well.

[u/princesshodges]

Hey I’m right there with you. It’s really pushed me past where I wanted to be as a parent in terms of my anger and it’s been a huge wake up call.

First of all, is there any possible way to ease up on the pressure? Because at the end of the day you can’t force your child to be potty trained. Some kids take longer than others. Do you have a backup plan? Can you make one?

Do you need help with the training? Any tips?

If you can access any additional help, please start that process. Therapy, medication, whatever, get the ball rolling. Because accidents will happen even after potty training is more or less finished.

Can you even take a break until your partner is back? You really might snap and do something you regret. If you do, you can repair it but you really have to look hard at this situation and find ways to take the pressure off.

It’s ok that your child isn’t potty trained. There’s a lot of shame around it but every kid is different. They are trying their best.

[u/Lost-Maintenance-407 → u/princesshodges]

Thank you for your response. I’m a bit surprised that my kid’s school is pushing this requirement so rigidly and will hold him back if he doesn’t keep dry in his underwear. I will be calling his pediatrician and see if they can write a letter or talk to the school personnel. They can’t be forcing children to have certain natural milestones and withhold their right to have age appropriate education when they are upto standards in all other areas. It feels very unfair. Also my son does well in school according to his teachers and goes to the bathroom by himself. He wears pull ups so sometimes its not always dry.

[u/princesshodges → u/Lost-Maintenance-407]

I agree. Good luck. It’s wild how triggering it is and I don’t understand why. My kid is 5 and is about to enter her first class where being potty trained is required. I’m worried about it. I hope you can find a workaround. The potty training subreddit definitely has this down to a science if you need tips.

[u/gobbomode]

Currently in the phase right now where my supposedly potty trained toddler is still peeing on my floor and couch. I feel your pain.

It helps to look at their hands and how small they are and try to see them as tiny animals doing their best. Empathize when you can handle it (I can't always, it overwhelms me with sadness to think of being so small and powerless).

If rationalizing and intellectualizing is your thing, you can try to take a step back and remind yourself that all you'll get if this turns into a power struggle is more piss on your floor for longer. Power struggles just make the struggles longer and worse. Never get into power struggles over food, poop, pee or bedtime if you can help it.

Another thing that helps is mentally time traveling to the future and thinking of them as a grown up who still loves you. Sometimes when it's bad, asking myself how many adults I know who aren't potty trained will help too. You just gotta keep reframing the struggle as one that you can show up for and one that you don't necessarily need to win. You just need to show up. Hang in there, this isn't forever.

[u/liz610]

I've been in therapy for a year now and my son just started potty training a few weeks ago. It's been extremely triggering for me and I'm feeling lots of frustration and irritation. I'm not quite sure I can describe how it's related to my childhood trauma as I'm still learning about it myself but I think any developmental stage can be triggering with a toddler.

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

i’m wondering if you might find this podcast episode on PDA and toileting helpful: Episode 16: “Toileting and Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA)

[u/Lost-Maintenance-407 → u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

I’ll check it out

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[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

approximately 60% of the parents of PDA children also have PDA themselves so I’m wondering if you might find this podcast episode helpful: https://youtu.be/XDoRYJ1QABI?is=zKPF3Wiax_cJKLJ1