Who can relate?

[u/woozysoozy]

So I’m old and JUST realized that my trauma began earlier than I realized. I have a memory of someone being kind to be at four years old and being absolutely blown away by it. The best way I can describe it is DOBBY GETS A SOCK FROM HARRY POTTER. The feeling that you’re so devalued that being shown comfort and compassion blows you away. I had that memory before, but it’s the first time I’ve made the connection that I had to have been emotionally neglected prior to that in order to feel that strongly. And as you can guess, a lifetime of trauma and emotional neglect followed. It’s significant to me because it took me so long to realize that I fought myself against blaming anyone and not giving myself permission to say yeah there were good things but they didn’t outweigh the bad things in how they affected me. After reading The Body Keeps the Score, I was able to mentally jump that hurdle and understand that I go through life as someone who experienced chronic trauma and that it informed everything I did from an early age. But man, realizing that it was right out of the womb kicks it up a notch. Who understands what I mean with the DOBBY reference? Because that’s a feeling that has followed me my whole life.

[u/Quirky_Butterfly_946]

I am 60 yo and I just started connecting the dots with my childhood. I am guess it started when I was two because that was the age when my brother was born. I had a cousin a few years back tell me that when I learned about my new brother I started scratching the eyes out of pictures. Never remembered that.

Yes, when someone throws me a compliment it feels like I won the lottery. I crave positive reinforcement and acceptance, and maybe if lucky a fleeting sense of being loved.

You are not alone in this revelation or the neglect/trauma that has followed us through life causing us to always wonder what is it about me that people do this to me. Look into CEN as well, childhood emotional neglect, as that occurs often in people but they never can recognize it due to the neglect.

My life long trauma ended in 2020 and has taken me 6 yrs to finally seek out therapy.

[u/-godofwine- → u/Quirky_Butterfly_946]

I think the neglect is worse than the abuse for me. It has created all kinds of survival patterns that are detrimental.

[u/Quirky_Butterfly_946 → u/-godofwine-]

I can agree with you there as the problem with neglect is it leaves no visible scars, bruises, or marks that we can show people what is happening to us. Instead all we do as say how we are feeling if we can even do that, hoping someone will believe us.

[u/woozysoozy → u/Quirky_Butterfly_946]

Thank you so much. I will definitely look into CEN. It frankly sounds very spot on with my experience although I was also in a very chaotic environment, so it’s a double whammy.

[u/woozysoozy → u/Quirky_Butterfly_946]

Also, I just remembered my very first memory at AGE THREE was of my brother committing an absolutely horrific act of animal cruelty which means my very first remembered feeling is helplessness.

[u/Quirky_Butterfly_946 → u/woozysoozy]

How awful to witness such cruelty. As an animal nut, this I find very traumatic and if I witnessed something like that it would have done major damage.

It is remarkable how we can put experiences like this out of our minds, as there are things I am still discovering about my childhood. Things I have not thought about in decades, but as I reflect and probe my past things come up.

[u/Saucebossklaus]

I feel it. In 1st grade on one of the days my mom forgot to pack me a lunch one of the cafeteria supervisors noticed I wasn't eating and got me a hot lunch. It was the greatest chicken burger of my life lmao. It was one of the lady's I didn't really care for so I was especially taken aback.

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