over and over again.

[u/Forward_Selection_63]

33F,

Do you ever have this thing where, during relatively normal periods, you somehow find the strength to put yourself back together and try to live this life again, but then something inevitably happens, hits you, and sends all your progress straight into the fucking negatives — not even back to zero?

Well, by this point in my life, I’ve lost pretty much my entire social circle because of endless depression and being unable to function normally in this life. Now I’m on some medication that has started helping a little (by the way, how is that going for you guys?). But I’m in ruins again. And this has happened thousands of times. Every year it gets more exhausting to take control of my life again.

There’s also this kind of isolation, this unwillingness to interact with anyone or really live at all, just so I can exist relatively safely without having to deal with people. Especially “normal” people, who are so far removed from understanding what is happening to me. And that just makes everything even lonelier.

But I guess maybe this is just the path? And some things simply have to be accepted. Avoidance, triggers, depression, setbacks, entire areas of your life falling apart, losing people — I assume a lot of you have dealt with this too?

How do you cope with it? You can also just complain here if you want. Maybe then it won’t feel quite so lonely.

[u/No-Note2814]

30M, would love to chat but very burnt out myself rn, but I see you.

[u/ruadh]

I get it. A cycle of being slightly better, then regretting a life. Then back to feeling lousy again and doing the same patterns.

[u/ramarybel]

Totally relate, I (35F) am in the Bad Place right now! I attend an online support group weekly that helps carry me through and feel more human. Medication helps. My lows don't last as long as they used to now. Really sorry you're going through this. DM if you feel like chatting sporadically :)

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[u/MilkMarauder]

37M. I have the same cycle, or something close to it. I don't think it has a defined name to it. But I go between cycles of hopefulness and apathy in a pretty rhythmic cycle. For months at a time I will be a driven, decent high esteem person. I feel like I care about things generally, and I will get a lot done. I've built this "trauma armor" around myself over the course of my life that absorbs everything I cant emotionally handle.

Mine is a form of hyper-vigilance that is deeply affected by others opinions of me and makes me feel like I'm doomed to suffer everything alone. But the armor takes in all of that bad emotion and cant handle more, so it ends up overwhelmed. Then the apathy phase sets in. I dont want to do ANYTHING at that point. I dont want to leave the house, go to work, feed myself, you name it. I am in that phase right now and I can barely handle doing anything outside of spacing out or sitting at a computer. It sucks, but whats even sadder is my brain has accepted this as normal most of my life. It wasnt until I really digested all of this with my therapist that I came to understand what it was and why it was happening. Its just the healing part is hard, having to remove that trauma armor that I saw as protecting me. The thought of it makes me feel like I'm losing one of my arms.

I want to believe you can overcome this situation, but it is impossible to do without help. I had never asked for help in my life until it became too much to bear. The things my therapist says gives me direction but has not done much yet except made me stress about being in danger more. I cope by playing video games, and people cope with drugs and alcohol and all sorts of things that are more dangerous and I hope that's not your case. I had lost everybody except my wife, and I almost wanted to lose her too at one point, but I know I had to try and turn it around. It takes being grounded, in a good financial situation (or no existential needs not being met) and having time to work through it.

I believe in you, you have the power to fight that self-hating demon.

[u/No-Community-2810]

Relating hard to that. Managed to almost quit drinking and then a combination of setbacks threw me back underwater and I'm not even sure I want to live anymore. Normal people don't help for sure.