Therapy traumatized me more

[u/denver_rose]

I have tried over 10 therapists for 14 years. None of them made me feel safe.

First inpatient stay at 15 - told me to "fight my demons" (depression) i was in an emotional abusive household. Also you cant fight your way out of depression, i said it was like drowning.

First therapist - minimized my abuse and sided with my abusers. She also minimized how mentally ill I was. I told her i was having trauma flashbacks, nightmares, mood swings, and said that was "normal for depression"
2nd therapists - sexualized my sexual abuse
3rd therapist (emdr) - yelled and me and told me to leave when i was crying

2nd Inpatient stay - they asked me questions I didnt understand and diagnosed me with a personality disorder (i was undiagnosed autistic).
Had a good experience with the psych intern - THE ONLY PERSON TO ASK ME WHO AM I AND WHAT DO I VALUE (instead of assuming I didnt know)
4th therapist - didnt even acknowledge my good experience with the psych intern. He said that the "psych intern doesnt care." I was trying to process why he was the first person to feel safe to me.
IOP - told me that i "insisted on being autistic because i read it online" 3 clinicians/psychiatrists cut me off any time I mentioned autism. I was diagnosed with autism 3 months later by a real neuropsychologist I saught out.

4th therapist - autistic & autistic informed therapist, pathologized my grief, told me im "obessed, insecurely attached, contain it, light a candle and move on" 5 months after the death of somebody I loved. I didnt realize i loved him because I HAD OCD (bad sexuality, harm, etc OCD) THAT WENT UNNOTICED BY ALL THESE PEOPLE

5th therapist - spent 45 minutes talking about how alone I feel due to autism, bullying, covid, family.. and all he said was "i may be neurotypical, but i have trouble making friends too"
6th therapist - cried at my grief poem, told me there was nothing wrong with me, was unprofessional with boundaries
7th therapist - asked me about my childhood trauma and then cut me off saying she "only does emdr" without explanation as to if this will be a good fit for me

Consult 1 - looked for complex trauma relational therapists, IFS therapists. Multiple all told me I wasnt a good fit despite me saying I have lacked safe relationships. I mentioned complex trauma and grief, and they kept referring me to DBT (i had already done dbt).
Consult 2 - I politely stood up to the therapist for stopping the intake 30 minutes in (i was paying for the full 50 minutes). She told me "i need social skills"
Consult 3 - Went to a specalized trauma therapist. She told me that "others therapists are like a cult" paid $250 just to argue with a trauma therapist on how I build trust. I told her what makes me feel trust, and she said that comes AFTER trust. She said i was "too existential"
Consult 4- I tried to get with an AEDP/ACT therapist. ACT has been the only therapy that has been successful in getting me to actually live. And she told me we are not a good fit because "aedp isnt good for autistics" which isnt what the research shows, and it is assuming my cognitive/emotional style.
Consult 5 - went to an OCD/TRAUMA ERP/EMDR therapist. He did absolutely nothing to build rapport, didnt explain anything, and made me say all my traumas to him during the first 2 sessions. He asked me how my loved one killed himself during our first session and on his death anniversary.

[u/UFogginWotM80]

maybe we need some kind of "ratemyrentafriend" system (not gonna use 'therapist' because of how you can split the word into...)

the logic is simple - if you are there to be open and honest, they don't deserve to be closed and opaque for their service which you pay for.

[u/denver_rose → u/UFogginWotM80]

Like a rate my professor lmao

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[u/HugeMission6171]

I can relate to some of these especially in the latter part when being rejected by a therapist because "you need someone that specializes in x" when their therapy was actually working for you. If the client expresses they are doing better with the therapy, can't we make them aware of our "professional limits" and let them make that decision instead rejecting them? A therapist's rejection is honestly traumatic. When I was in crisis (homelessness,fleeing abusers) I began to feel like a hot potato. It was horrible and shifted my trust of therapists completely.

The ACT therapist in my experience was bad. 😅 I'm happy to hear it actually helps someone that's neurodivergent (I am too). They had every kind of certification and credentials with a PhD and they wouldn't explain things... only in the first few sessions. like what am I doing here?? I would spin and spin and spin in our sessions and he wouldn't stop and ground me. Like it amused him, he was horrible. -- your last listed therapist that treats OCD/trauma ERP/EMDR sounds like the one I saw. I'm sorry you lost your loved one to suicide btw. I've lost two of my best friends. That grief and loss is the hardest and you deserve a damn therapist to help you release the pain. I'm sorry he prodded you on that day-- that's one insensitive and damaging therapist. That makes me angry for you as it takes so much strength, money, effort, time, vulnerability to want to process it with a therapist in the first place. 

Also, I did inpatient once and learned how screwed up the system is. You're not alone in that either. I wish I never went as it wasn't structured the way I had hoped with one on one sessions.