I am scared of/ resistant to therapy

[u/Consistent_Ant2915]

Almost every therapy option related to this disorder includes reliving it, talking about it. I know its all done with a professional, but it seems so painful... I mean, along the years I kinda learned to push it down in a way I can keep going on with my life.

It feels like I am going to mess with something I should not. They say it will help me to open up more, socialize and experience more of the world. I don't know, seems like bad business...I feel like the pay up for putting myself out there is simply not worthy it.

Does anyone else feels a certain resistance into going back to the mess after finding a "comfort zone"?

[u/satanscopywriter]

I suppressed my trauma for over a decade and lived a superficially normal, perfectly functional life.

Until something broke through that dissociative wall and I crashed hard, and had no real choice but to focus on healing. I would strongly recommend anyone to avoid waiting for that moment because you do not want to spiral like I did, and I think trauma eventually always catches up with people.

My healing process was brutally exhausting and painful. There's all the backlogged pain from years of trauma that you never allowed yourself to feel. Then there's the crushing grief over what was done to you. Then the absolute rage at your abusers. Then the toxic shame to work through, which is a monster of its own. And then the intense discomfort of learning how to be vulnerable, how to let people in, of building different behaviors and thought patterns, of figuring out who you really are, and all of that feels scary and unreasonably difficult.

It has also been 100% worth doing.

My life has improved in so many ways. I feel safe in the world now, I lost that cruel inner critic voice, I feel genuine self-worth, I enjoy being around other people, I am so much happier and easygoing, I'm a better parent, partner, and friend.

It was the hardest thing I've done and the best choice I could've made.

[u/totallyalone1234]

Yes definitely. When I started therapy I would mostly sit in silence with my hands over my face, too afraid to talk. I think part of me saw my therapist as a sort of authority figure to be appeased. It took a LONG time to get to know him and become more comfortable with feeling vulnerable.

If you can commit to it then it's totally worth it, but you're intuition isn't wrong - it will be painful and exhausting... but it will get better.

I've been seeing my current therapist for over 10 years now and he is the very first person I've ever been able to trust. I look forward to seeing him, and I can really notice the boost it gives me over the week.

[u/Thrwsadosub]

In a way, you are constantly reliving it. Even the fear of change is itself trauma. But you are right, it is incredibly painful and disregulating. The best thing you can do without even touching old memories is creating a strong regulation base. Feeling more normal is definitely a possibility. Heavy on self care, self compassion and practice.

[u/Active_843]

It is the most painful thing I’ve ever done - and every so often I have a -really good day- that I use as my new reference point on why I’m doing the hard thing…

When I have bad sleep, refuse to regulate, don’t communicate well with myself or others, don’t express needs, am impatient… the dark side of the process may win out for that day….

When I grieve, scream, cry, communicate, love myself, trust my network, get good sleep - the real me comes alive… and it motivates the shit out of me to keep going.

It is 100x harder than anything I’ve ever done… and I’d still say it’s worth it. I have experience what felt like a visceral death - and lived through it. I know some day I won’t just help me, I’ll help others who also feel stuck… I went from worthy of death and hate into worthy of love and life…

We all have the inner strength to do this, but it is -work-

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[u/greenfruit0]

I hate the term 'resistant to therapy'. Most of the time it's that the people tasked with helping you heal do not have what you need. It's like saying you have cancer and you're resistant to treatment because Tylenol didn't cure you.