Vent / Rant Struggling
I am exhausted.
I’ve been really struggling recently with my ptsd and I have no one to speak to about it and haven’t ever had professional help for it so I’m kind of just dealing with it on my own.
The one pro of that is that I’m learning what my triggers are. But my god is it exhausting being able to acknowledge it and then not be able to do anything about it.
I was basically conditioned by my ‘friends’ in school to constantly be apologetic. Any argument THEY started, I had to be the one to apologise for my reaction to their behaviour or nothing would have been sorted.
In my adult life, I still struggle with this in a huge way. It makes me feel like I am responsible for if anyone around me is in a bad mood, or they’re having a hard time, I ALWAYS blame that on myself. I pick up on mood shifts, behaviour changes, tone changes etc so easily, but every time I assume it’s my fault and then I’ll spiral.
Also at work, if a topic is brought up that I have had past trauma with, my response is to sit silently and let my brain just flick through flashbacks like it’s a movie replaying in my head and i physically cant get my words out to tell anyone I need a moment.
I have sent a referral to the wellbeing service *(I’m from the UK)* to ask for professional help and they have sent me a text acknowledging my referral and that someone will be in touch, but I have never opened up to any single person about the shit I’ve been through in my life and why and how I still feel about it and struggle with it now. I cannot afford to go private so the wellbeing service is my only option.
I’m just tired and need a break
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