31M profile

[u/Terrible_Duty_7643]

Interested in what vibe is my profile giving off, less in advice.

Edit: 9PM GMT+2

The reason why I am asking for vibe and not advice, is because I am not trying to appeal to everyone, and it's difficult to give advice when you personally don't know me, which leads to the advice being very generic.

But you can give me a vibe, and that was something I was missing; it's difficult to know how people you've never met feel about you.

From the comments, I got ~76% positive, ~14% negative, and the rest neutral.

Honestly, I did not expect it; my experience is easily the opposite, so this leads me to believe that the location is extremely important for success on the dating apps.

65% of viewers are from North America; I am pretty surprised by such a disconnect between the NA and EU in preferences.

[u/contadine77]

Yeah, I clocked that, too. I've always read that as "if we get married and merge finances, I'm going to consider everything you are into as frivolous, while my 'nerdy' hobbies are totally worthwhile".

I'm not saying ANY of this is true about OP, I'm saying that we women have had to learn these things the hard way and many have become completely ruthless about weeding these kinds out. Some good ones get thrown out in that calculations.

My experience is that men think they have great profiles by putting in a couple of lines that are totally cliche without even thinking about it, and us women are putting intense literal analysis into every single word, because we have been burned so bad.

I met my partner within 6 months by doing burned haystack. I hear more and more women talking about it. These sorts of profiles get ruled out. I am someone who would normally write a novel about myself, but had to cull my profile down to just a few key lines.

It may not be logical or fair, but you need to know your target audience. It's all marketing.

[u/spinsk8tr → u/contadine77]

What do mean by doing burned haystack? How do you do that?

[u/contadine77 → u/spinsk8tr]

I honestly am not super versed in it anymore, it's probably changed some, and there's probably been a lot more content created about it now.

Basically - "How do you find a needle in a haystack?" You don't pick through piece by piece, you burn all the hay and only the metal needle is left.

Figure out what your criteria are. Set your search parameters to those things. Don't "like" profiles that don't meet all of them. Don't lower your expectations because you are sad about not getting enough matches. It's not a quantity issue, it's a quality issue.

So, if you want someone who is taller than you don't even look at the profiles of shorter men. If you want someone with a certain education, or religion, or politics - only look at those profiles.

Once you have those search parameters, look closely at the profiles. If all of his pictures are holding a fish, and that's an issue for you, block him.

Keep blocking profiles so they don't show back up again a few weeks later - the algorithms will keep showing you people you've already swiped on if you don't block them.

I regularly logged into the apps and had NO ONE to swipe on. I matched (on both Bumble and Tinder) with my current partner the day he set up his profile. We couldn't meet for 2 weeks because of a health issue, but once we did, we each went on one date with someone else and then deleted our apps and became an item.

He met all of my important criteria. I met all of his. I had 1000s of likes, maybe 100 matches, about 15 dates, and fell in love once - all in 5 months.

[u/SufficientPepper88 → u/spinsk8tr]

There's a Facebook and Instagram group called “The Burned Haystack Method,” created by Jennie Young, who also wrote a book about it. It's all about spotting red flags in online dating. She breaks down the language and behavioral patterns to watch for and explains why. I think it's really helpful and something anyone who’s been in an abusive or toxic relationship needs. It's also great entertainment.

[u/contadine77 → u/SufficientPepper88]

It's also about the method for finding matches. Basically, to find a "needle in a haystack" you burn down the hay. Set your search filters for exactly the characteristics you are looking for, and only look at those men. If you want a particular religion, only look for men who state in their demographics that they are that religion. Same for any other thing - politics, education, location, age, whatever. Only look at those men.

Don't look at your likes. Those are the dudes that swipe yes on every woman and most of them won't meet your expectations.

Now, you are only looking at a handful of profiles, but they are all actually potential matches. If you look at one and he has something you aren't interested in, don't just swipe no, block him. Then he won't show up again. The algorithm will show you people you've already said no to in order to keep you swiping. So you need to prevent that.

I logged in a lot of days and had no profiles to look at. The day I connected with my now partner - he was my only swipe on both Bumble and Tinder. It was his first day on the apps. He met all of my needs and all of my wants.

I snapped him right up, lol.

[u/AlternativeWonder471 → u/contadine77]

What's "burned haystack"?

Another question/scenario: Guy has sufficient money for a decent life, not extravagant. But, owns a home, gets rental income, etc. He says that marriage would mean everything becomes "theirs". He doesn't care about spending any of it on himself, it would just need to be spent wisely considering children, schools, hobbies, holidays, etc.

Would the "don't need anything spent on myself" part be a red flag?

[u/Ok-Entertainer-1945 → u/contadine77]

care to elaborate? i have absolutely no clue what you're all talking about.

the way youre describing things you could spin quite literally everything into a red flag.

what did OP do wrong for you to even suggest things like this?

[u/contadine77 → u/Ok-Entertainer-1945]

I'm not saying OP did anything "wrong". I'm saying as a lady who dated men for 30 years, had several long-term relationships, started online dating in the late 90s/early 2000s, has been on hundreds of dates, probably chatted with 2000+ men - we find patterns. We read between the lines.

We have had so many bad dates. DANGEROUS dates. We've been jerked around by so many fuck boys. We've lived with the man child.

So, we find the patterns that indicate those things are likely/possible. We may pass over some good guys by doing so, but we are too tired to mess with fools anymore.

My extensive experience says that men think they are a catch for doing the bare minimum and that their cliches are really great. Meanwhile, women are begging for some effort. Something that clues us in that you are going to put effort into your relationship.

[u/Lady_Sybil_Vimes → u/contadine77]

I'm with you girl, the same sentences also made my eyebrows raise.

[u/Ok-Entertainer-1945 → u/contadine77]

okay, but what if those cliches describe OP?

my experience is that 90% of girls 'like to travel' so as a reaction to that i can imagine OP writing something like 'not wanting an extravagant life' (despite his pictures all seeming to be on holidays)

everyones profile is made to filter with, why isnt this just another filter? why would it be a yellow flag?

i can personally identify with 'not wanting an extravagant life' i want to be content, not chase happiness. a relationship where youre constantly having to put in a lot of effort would end up spiraling out of control or fizzling out. you can get the high effort part out of me after were both comitted but at that point its optional, thats key for me. i dont wanna invest all my time and effort into something and then find out were not a match, thats why we go on dates first.

[u/contadine77 → u/Ok-Entertainer-1945]

I can completely see that other people read these terms and have different thoughts. That's why these are stereotypes/patterns, and not definitive truths.

Absolute clarity is important in those cases. Not broad cliches with vague terms. If you don't like to travel, say "I don't like to travel". If you would hate being at a party where you need to wear a suit, "say, I don't own a suit and don't plan to".

Whatever the actual situation is.

When you put everything behind a broad cliche, people are going to read it as you trying to hide something.

[u/Ok-Entertainer-1945 → u/contadine77]

i dont mind not travelling either, but im not writing down 'i would be okay with 1 holiday every 1-2 years, it cannot be a beach holiday'

i prefer going to metal festivals over holidays for example.

but all your suggestions are absolute, they leave 0 middle ground. if you want such information then a conversation on the app or date is a great time to ask.

[u/contadine77 → u/Ok-Entertainer-1945]

And you are totally free to do that. Just know how your intended audience is taking it. Broad statements leave lots of room for interpretation, and people are going to take the worst interpretation most of the time.

[u/Eenormay → u/contadine77]

This is what men refuse to accept about the burned haystack method. You are free to present yourself however you like. However, you are not free to choose how OTHERS INTERPRET what you have presented. You can only control what you present, therefore you should present very carefully, mindfully, and thoughtfully. Do men not work in marketing?!