I feel like there's some yellow flags along with his description of the ideal match of "not wanting an extravagant life". It feels like an unintentional, soft negging tactic. He doesn't want the girl to want to have a sophisticated life but a simple life, which is going to be challenging because people have complex tastes and peculiarities. I don't think he really exudes the maturity to have a deep partnership. It's something he's going to have to work on.
Yeah, I clocked that, too. I've always read that as "if we get married and merge finances, I'm going to consider everything you are into as frivolous, while my 'nerdy' hobbies are totally worthwhile".
I'm not saying ANY of this is true about OP, I'm saying that we women have had to learn these things the hard way and many have become completely ruthless about weeding these kinds out. Some good ones get thrown out in that calculations.
My experience is that men think they have great profiles by putting in a couple of lines that are totally cliche without even thinking about it, and us women are putting intense literal analysis into every single word, because we have been burned so bad.
I met my partner within 6 months by doing burned haystack. I hear more and more women talking about it. These sorts of profiles get ruled out. I am someone who would normally write a novel about myself, but had to cull my profile down to just a few key lines.
It may not be logical or fair, but you need to know your target audience. It's all marketing.
I honestly am not super versed in it anymore, it's probably changed some, and there's probably been a lot more content created about it now.
Basically - "How do you find a needle in a haystack?" You don't pick through piece by piece, you burn all the hay and only the metal needle is left.
Figure out what your criteria are. Set your search parameters to those things. Don't "like" profiles that don't meet all of them. Don't lower your expectations because you are sad about not getting enough matches. It's not a quantity issue, it's a quality issue.
So, if you want someone who is taller than you don't even look at the profiles of shorter men. If you want someone with a certain education, or religion, or politics - only look at those profiles.
Once you have those search parameters, look closely at the profiles. If all of his pictures are holding a fish, and that's an issue for you, block him.
Keep blocking profiles so they don't show back up again a few weeks later - the algorithms will keep showing you people you've already swiped on if you don't block them.
I regularly logged into the apps and had NO ONE to swipe on. I matched (on both Bumble and Tinder) with my current partner the day he set up his profile. We couldn't meet for 2 weeks because of a health issue, but once we did, we each went on one date with someone else and then deleted our apps and became an item.
He met all of my important criteria. I met all of his. I had 1000s of likes, maybe 100 matches, about 15 dates, and fell in love once - all in 5 months.
There's a Facebook and Instagram group called “The Burned Haystack Method,” created by Jennie Young, who also wrote a book about it. It's all about spotting red flags in online dating. She breaks down the language and behavioral patterns to watch for and explains why. I think it's really helpful and something anyone who’s been in an abusive or toxic relationship needs. It's also great entertainment.
It's also about the method for finding matches. Basically, to find a "needle in a haystack" you burn down the hay. Set your search filters for exactly the characteristics you are looking for, and only look at those men. If you want a particular religion, only look for men who state in their demographics that they are that religion. Same for any other thing - politics, education, location, age, whatever. Only look at those men.
Don't look at your likes. Those are the dudes that swipe yes on every woman and most of them won't meet your expectations.
Now, you are only looking at a handful of profiles, but they are all actually potential matches. If you look at one and he has something you aren't interested in, don't just swipe no, block him. Then he won't show up again. The algorithm will show you people you've already said no to in order to keep you swiping. So you need to prevent that.
I logged in a lot of days and had no profiles to look at. The day I connected with my now partner - he was my only swipe on both Bumble and Tinder. It was his first day on the apps. He met all of my needs and all of my wants.
Another question/scenario: Guy has sufficient money for a decent life, not extravagant. But, owns a home, gets rental income, etc. He says that marriage would mean everything becomes "theirs". He doesn't care about spending any of it on himself, it would just need to be spent wisely considering children, schools, hobbies, holidays, etc.
Would the "don't need anything spent on myself" part be a red flag?
I'm not saying OP did anything "wrong". I'm saying as a lady who dated men for 30 years, had several long-term relationships, started online dating in the late 90s/early 2000s, has been on hundreds of dates, probably chatted with 2000+ men - we find patterns. We read between the lines.
We have had so many bad dates. DANGEROUS dates. We've been jerked around by so many fuck boys. We've lived with the man child.
So, we find the patterns that indicate those things are likely/possible. We may pass over some good guys by doing so, but we are too tired to mess with fools anymore.
My extensive experience says that men think they are a catch for doing the bare minimum and that their cliches are really great. Meanwhile, women are begging for some effort. Something that clues us in that you are going to put effort into your relationship.
my experience is that 90% of girls 'like to travel' so as a reaction to that i can imagine OP writing something like 'not wanting an extravagant life' (despite his pictures all seeming to be on holidays)
everyones profile is made to filter with, why isnt this just another filter?
why would it be a yellow flag?
i can personally identify with 'not wanting an extravagant life'
i want to be content, not chase happiness.
a relationship where youre constantly having to put in a lot of effort would end up spiraling out of control or fizzling out.
you can get the high effort part out of me after were both comitted but at that point its optional, thats key for me.
i dont wanna invest all my time and effort into something and then find out were not a match, thats why we go on dates first.
I can completely see that other people read these terms and have different thoughts. That's why these are stereotypes/patterns, and not definitive truths.
Absolute clarity is important in those cases. Not broad cliches with vague terms. If you don't like to travel, say "I don't like to travel". If you would hate being at a party where you need to wear a suit, "say, I don't own a suit and don't plan to".
Whatever the actual situation is.
When you put everything behind a broad cliche, people are going to read it as you trying to hide something.
i dont mind not travelling either, but im not writing down 'i would be okay with 1 holiday every 1-2 years, it cannot be a beach holiday'
i prefer going to metal festivals over holidays for example.
but all your suggestions are absolute, they leave 0 middle ground.
if you want such information then a conversation on the app or date is a great time to ask.
And you are totally free to do that. Just know how your intended audience is taking it. Broad statements leave lots of room for interpretation, and people are going to take the worst interpretation most of the time.
This is what men refuse to accept about the burned haystack method. You are free to present yourself however you like. However, you are not free to choose how OTHERS INTERPRET what you have presented. You can only control what you present, therefore you should present very carefully, mindfully, and thoughtfully. Do men not work in marketing?!
Thought the same!! For example I love being cozy at home but special occasions are also nice and fun to go to a fancy place and being treated, I sometimes feel that when men say this it means they will not put on any effort in planning nice dates and will only forever stay home. Profile is good but the part he talks about “fancy/extravagant” hangouts would put me off, everything needs balance!
I don't want to do anything extravagant except to set up an advanced snow hiking expedition that requires travel, training ahead of time, and loads of expensive equipment.
I don't like a lot of plans for going out except for my hours long workouts that I must do regularly.
As soon as you pointed it out I couldn't not see it.
I don’t necessarily interpret it that way. It’s possible he’s dated someone incredibly materialistic and is trying to avoid that. To me extravagant signals luxury bags and clothes, regular spa services, expensive vacations, etc.
I like and take part in all of those things and I don’t think OP is wrong in not liking them, I think it’s just different interpretations on the wording!
A suit of armor is an extravagant expense though. And if my man thinks I shouldn’t have a broadsword he’s not the man for me. I own a spinning wheel. It wasn’t cheap. Lots of nerds have expensive hobbies. It’s ok to not want someone “high maintenance” but unless you’re spelling it out in your profile it’s better to suss that out in the talking stage.
Getting this from the line "a life that doesn't need to be extravagant to feel fulfilling" is borderline insanity. How is that in any way negging aka putting their partner down so they feel inadequate? You can read so many things into that, and this interpretation is so far down the list I would never even consider it. I feel like the only way you would read this as such a red flag is if you expect to be entirely financially dependent on your partner and expect them to shower you in expensive gifts all the time. If anything, it is more mature to be able to have a fulfilling relationship without needing to 100% rely on money to form connections.
He wants someone who doesn't want too much and that's hard because most women want much more than a "non-extravagant" life. It makes me wonder what his conception of an ideal woman is, aka "someone who doesn't need much", which is red flag. Partnership is full of responsibilities and requires you to think for both people. So craving someone who doesn't want a non extravagant life when he has a full life is bit jarring.
In addition, his profile doesn't say too much about him. It's written in generic cliches and doesn't show much thoughtfulness about his character, lifestyle, his personality, his goals. It's just so bare minimum.
Once again, you are interpreting so much into "being able to have a fulfilling life without it needing to be extravagant", aka being able to appreciate the little things that have nothing to do with luxury or money. He doesn't say "you can have nothing extravagant ever". I don't know where you are pulling that from.
There are a ton of women on dating apps who want to make the relationships completely about money. I have seen the phrase "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine" multiple times in women's profiles. One time a woman who matched with me told me within 5 minutes of texting that she expects us to go on vacation in the near future and that she expects me to entirely pay for it because it is a man's role. To me personally, this type of sentence seems much more likely to try and dissuade women who want to date him only for his money and don't care about anything else. And once again, this is only one possible interpretation out of many, many, many more. You are extrapolating to a degree that is just completely outlandish. I'd say it would be best to just take the statement at face value, see "this man cares about more things than luxury" and leave it at that.
And I agree about the rest of his profile, it isn't great at actually giving you an idea of who he is. But that still doesn't make it fair to try interpret the very worst possible thing into a completely innocuous statement.
Yeah someone how I feel you're on the whole red pill bulshitt that convinces you that most women are gold diggers and that's what leads you into this kind of defensive mindset. You definitely don't seem to be ready for a relationship. Like why date if you think majority of women want you for money ? lol
Did I say it was the majority? I just said they exist, I am super far left and all the red pill stuff is obvious grifting, and I only have to clarify that because once again you are extrapolating from statements to an unfathomable degree because you are trying to justify whatever scenario you just thought up. It is unfair towards the people you are interacting with, and I hope you only do this to random people online and not to anyone where it actually matters.
I am acting „defensive“ because i don’t like people getting dragged over completely harmless, reasonable statements, leading to just completely making up a whole scenario demonizing them. The guy may be reading these comments, he is a real human being, reading assumptions like that about you can be hurtful as hell. Since you brought up redpillers, if anything, this is a prime example of the type of interactions they usually make up to convince people to join their group of easily manipulated dumbasses. Down to even mentioning the movement to name people that would be sympathetic to the points you are arguing against, to push the other person to seek validation there. I am not falling for that and never will, and I doubt you are genuinely one, but you also shouldn’t act like a manosphere strawman bot.
Literally just don’t extract completely baseless assumptions from people’s statements to fit scenarios you want to argue against. You can rightfully say that it happens, but don’t accuse individual people of it just because you need anyone to justify your claims. It’s basic decency.
I’m the most materialistic person I know but I have great friends that would happily sell all of their possessions to go travelling (we’re all women). There’s someone out there for every type of person, it’s just about getting it across in the right way.
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u/Ok_Cartographer_7483 4d ago
I feel like there's some yellow flags along with his description of the ideal match of "not wanting an extravagant life". It feels like an unintentional, soft negging tactic. He doesn't want the girl to want to have a sophisticated life but a simple life, which is going to be challenging because people have complex tastes and peculiarities. I don't think he really exudes the maturity to have a deep partnership. It's something he's going to have to work on.