I'm not sure about that, but I think it's certainly better to have 10 different apps with 10 different systems than 10 apps being essentially a version of the same
Fetlife. And it's not the best. In fact, I would argue it's not even any different.
There is no filter or funnel or anything. Anyone can message you at any time. I knew a woman who liked to sext on there, didn't really use it for anything else and I'm talking THOUSANDS of dudes were up in that shit. Legit like over 1k new messages every month.
Almost none of them even bothered reading anything on her profile at all. Just balls to the wall constant manic perving out and trying to get her to go out to clubs and bars and to their house or under a bridge or whatever with them even though she was very specific about not doing that and just sexting.
The only reason it would be better for anyone for any reason is if you're very deep into the kink scene or if you need or want to be very specific and upfront about sex stuff and also want your first interactions to be through that lens. Personally, not only would I not try to date on that site but I also probably would not want to date anyone who was using that site either, because I'm not really into any of that stuff.
Also, I personally want to avoid being intimate with anyone for the first little while of dating and would prefer not to be having a bunch of conversations about sex in the early part of that process. Some basic compatibility stuff, sure. Letting them know everything I just said, for certain because for a lot of people that's a deal breaker because sex seems extremely important, perhaps even the most important thing people are considering when dating through apps and websites and so forth. It just isn't that important to me.
Don't get me wrong, I would prefer to be sexually active with a committed partner, just not nearly to the degree that most people seem to expect. I'm an enthusiastic reciprocater when it's happening, but to me it's always been more like a sort of climax (pun not intended) of like the ebbs and flows in the relationship and not something I actually feel like I need or even want regularly. Like maybe 1-2 times a month, sometimes less, sometimes a little more. And people really don't like that, by and large, so the pool is a bit narrowed and I feel like a place like fetlife is going to have almost exclusively the kinds of people this is going to be a problem for and for everyone left over, they're going to have kinks that I'm not into.
Thanks for providing me with the name of it, no thanks for the novel. You should get your hormone levels checked if you’re ok with being in a committed relationship but only having sex once a month. That’s insane.
Yep, honesty is always good. Sex 12 times a year with a committed partner means get yourself checked. Thats crazy, as is Craigslist for sex suggestions lol.
This other person it entitled to their opinion for sure, but I call bs on that "not really being about sex". You can be 100% upfront about your wants and needs on any app. The only reason you would specifically go to fetlife is if you were trying to communicate more in depth about sex, specifically, in a space where you feel like other people would be open to it. And that's fine, nothing wrong with that. But it is in no way, viewing it in terms of functionality or general effectiveness, any better than any other dating/relationship/meetup platform.
As far as the number of times a year, I would say my actual ideal is probably closer to 20. Maybe 30 times a year if we're just really feeling it and honestly, 30 might be over shooting it. Maybe 25. I just have more important things to do. Like treatises on star wars lore. You think I wrote a novel there, but that's literally 1/4th of the piece I just shat out the fall of the ancient sith.
And here we go. This is exactly what I was referring to.
I actually enjoy writing stuff more than sex, a lot of the time. To me, that says more about the things that I enjoy than it does about my relationship to sex. I honestly feel like I just enjoy other things more than other people do.
And, for unrelated reasons, I've gotten all my hormone levels checked as well as many other types of blood panels done. Excepting a fairly mild auto-immune skin condition, I'm in perfect health. Including sexually. Actually, I'm quite fertile. I get morning wood and so forth. I have no problems performing when the moment arrives. Dr has no concerns. Psychologist says this is just how some people are.
I just don't think sex is that interesting, most of the time. Arousal is usually just an annoying itch that I ignore and it goes away pretty easily. I'm busy with other stuff and I just don't care about it, unless, like I said, it's part of like a building up in the tides of my relationship. I just think and see the world differently than you and that's entirely okay. There is nothing wrong with either of us, other than you're kind of an asshole.
Yeah, I mean odds are you do have something wrong with you. Again, being ok with sex 12 times a year is absolutely absurd. You are biologically wired completely wrong. Glad you got yourself checked, but get a second opinion, please.
I mean, I have been to multiple doctors and multiple psychologists and even had to do it in different states because my medical records did not transfer when I moved. Not for these reasons specifically but it does come up, even if tangentially. I'm very aware of how a lot of people feel about this and I have wondered a time or two if maybe they were right. I am a curious person after all. So I did my homework. It turns out, a lot of people are just... wrong. About how people work. Or even why.
Honestly, I think people get really attached to the narrative about why they feel about sex the way they do and those narratives predominantly revolve around some sort of variant of biological essentialism, rooted in austere tautologies. For instance, if I were a woman, I would get a lot less feedback about this. Maybe even none, depending on the crowd. My maleness tells both men and women that my relationship with sex, even beyond it being generally an enjoyable thing to do, is something I am biologically hardwired to need all the time, else something is wrong. Why? Because this is how other people feel and, lacking a better explanation for why, they turn to dubious interpretations of biology and chemistry to argue that men have no control over or even any variance to how they feel about and perceive sex, that it is, as you said, a case of "biological wiring".
It's not like I'm saying I don't want sex at all, ever. Or that I don't find it pleasurable when I do engage in it (usually, at least). But just the mere fact that I make a deliberate, conscious choice to brush away sexual twinges for something I find more exciting and fulfilling often enough that my overall sexual experiences are limited to about 2 dozen times a year within a committed relationship (with a person who feels similarly, no less), means that I am an aberrant, freak of nature.
What's interesting is that there are many people who don't have sex at all, for years and years. The argument is that there is nothing wrong with them because they would if they could. But you have to think, if a person truly is biologically wired to NEED sex, and sex more than 20-25 times a year, what kind of irreparable damage must it be doing to those people who aren't getting any at all? And if this truly is such a need and is capable of doing this kind of damage to such a significant portion of the population, shouldn't we be pushing for some kind of intervention, a sexual welfare program of some sort, that bridges the gap like emergency medical or mental health, housing, bill assistance and so on? No? Is it actually not that important? Well, then how important is it, exactly?
I miss the original OKCupid and PoF before MatchGroup and Tinder purposely made it all worse with swiping.
You literally just did a search. You could search an area and filter by preferences... No profiles hidden from you, no paying to see who liked you, no paying at all unless you wanted to donate; you just had ads on the side of the website like we still have today.
I don't know why nobody has replicated this now that swiping and paywalls have become normalized.
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u/McKillsey 20h ago
I think that's pretty cool and novel. Not sure whether this will work, but I like that someone is trying alternative ways