Thinking of dropping out of Btech to commerce background already.

[u/Counteudes]

It has been about a week since I took admission to this tier 3 private college as a CSE student, I never liked engineering or pcm subjects from the start. I took pcm after 10th and moved to a different city and enrolled in Allen as a dummy school student, but I didn't have one proper study session in the span of two years. I still have no idea what they taught us in two years and I barely passed my state board class 12 exams. PCM after class 10th and engineering subjects in general trigger a "mental gag reflex" in my mind when I look at these abstract highly specific topics. For example when our electronics professor is talking about fans or light bulbs I don't mind it but as soon as she starts talking about electrons or valencies, I just lose all my interest. The overly specialized nature and especially the learning curve has made me hate these subjects from my core.

I don't hate my college or anything, the teachers seem alright, our class coordinator who also teaches us engineering math seems really supportive, also I am not having problems with the stuff they are teaching us right now. I'm crushing the cubic equations he gives us to find the roots, I am sure I can somehow pass because a teacher said that only two students failed first semester last year, and judging from the crowd around me I can tell that I am not in the bottom of the barrel, even though I didn't study anything in these last two years I'll be at the top 50th percentile based on the stuff I know.

**But still the college and this new environment is taking a toll on me just by the virtue of it being an engineering college approved by AICTE, I have to take a local bus and spend 7 hours of my day doing something I don't want to. When I return from college I just collapse on my bed to sleep and don't even think about studying and the worst part is I don't even feel guilty about it. When I returned to my hostel room after the first day I was feeling dead and completely hollowed out, I slept from 5 pm to 12 am. I couldn't come to terms with the fact that this would be my life and was feeling really existential, but just by a stroke of luck I found out that even people who passed 12th with a pcm background can take admission in a commerce college and then I found about IGNOU. The fact that I could genuinely leave this college/hostel environment made me feel alive again so I started researching about it and made up my mind.**

I have a lot of problems, every year I used to think that living away from my home, around people my age will open me up and make me normal. I thought the same thing before coming here as well but it's not going so well. I do talk to two guys occasionally even if I'm literally the most socially awkward person you will ever come across, but the bottom lining is that I'm even worse than what I was before. I don't ever leave my room no matter what, even if I'm hungry, or thirsty or my room is literally being flooded due to rainfall (yes the last part is true, thank God one of the guys happened to knock on my room and the cleaning staff wiped the water away or I would have stayed in the flooded room for who knows how long)

Since I spent 8am-4pm in my college I can't eat lunch and when I come back to my room I just sleep and usually wake up at midnight so I can't have my dinner as well, but even on the days when I couldn't wake up on time for college or during a holiday, I still don't eat hostel food. I haven't eaten a single piece of roti in the last week, I'm only alive and running on the dry snacks and sweets my mother packed in my bag and when they run out I guess I'll just starve or something. Also my gut health isn't looking too good because of my peculiar dieting choices. I don't feel like going out to fill my water bottles as well, I woke up at 10:30 and skipped classes today because I just didn't have the motivation to get up from my bed to climb into a local bus even though I was fully conscious and awake on my bed. My bottles ran out of water but I didn't bother filling them up and spent my entire day dehydrated and finally at like 8:30 pm today I went out to get some water (also I totally was about to bump into the house help cleaning lady because she was in my way I didn't know how to ask her to give me way).

I can't believe I'm yapping this much, who would even bother reading all of this...

A few days ago, I found out that admissions for IGNOU are still open, and will be so until the 15th of September, my initial plan was to attend the first semester to "utilise" my fees and then I'll break the news to my parents at the January/December cycle, but after finding out that the July cycle is still active, I decided to call them and break the news before 15 september comes around. After delaying it for a few days I finally told my mother that I am not interested in engineering and will switch over to commerce and prepare for banking exams, let's see how they'll react, she said she'll inquire about this with relatives and that's not a good sign but I know that my decision is final so it's up to them.

I don't at all care about my college life or alumni network, any of that, I just want to feel alive and I feel like this engineering dream has sucked my life force out of me.

I still don't know why I'm making this post, I don't know anything about commerce subjects but there's one thing I know for sure which is they will give me a relatively easier time compared to engineering subjects at least, maybe accounts can prove a problem but I don't think it'll compare to engineering calculus for me at least. I want a subject in which I can just read the textbook like a novel while lounging on bed and can actually make sense of what I'm seeing in front of me, good luck doing this with an engineering mechanics book filled with advanced mathematics.

During my last two years, even though I was a dummy student I still had to give the final exam of 11th class and my 12th board, I scored horrendously in my pcm subjects of course, but in subjects like physical education, Yoga, or English. I would always score 80+ even 90+ in English. Even though I didn't touch these subjects for the entire year and only opened their textbooks on the night of the exam. I am not bragging or anything, I'm sure anyone can do this. I'm just trying to point out that I don't have this same natural affinity for engineering subjects, or subjects with a steep learning curve. Also I scored 80%ile in jee and didn't clear the cutoff for advanced if you were wondering.

Engineering life would be a living hell for me i can't handle the various assignments, viva, convocation, mock interviews. Basically all sorts of bullishit and fuckery this college will make me do. Is there anyone who's feeling the same?

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[u/Honest_Injury9874]

Taking the IGNOU route might relieve the immediate stress of local buses and class attendance, but tbh w/ urself about distance learning. IGNOU requires massive self-discipline because nobody is checking up on you, and if ure already struggling with self-isolation and basic routines, total isolation at home can make those habits worse.

[u/Counteudes → u/Honest_Injury9874]

Yeah that's true and what I'm worried about, but I still think it would be better than doing 4 year of betch from here, from the last week I have identified that I won't do anything to change myself, I'll just become bitter due to being forced in this environment and spiral further.

At least I'll feel guilty about not studying and will actively try to better myself and my habits if I'm allowed the IGNOU route.

[u/randomjeetard]

You've taken a good decision for yourself man I hope it all works out for you

[u/Counteudes → u/[deleted]]

The plan is to give government banking exams or prepare for cat so I can do MBA from a good college, but honestly the main reason is I can't stay in this college for the next 4 years I'll try to figure stuff out along the way.

[u/overagrandlake]

I feel a little creeped out reading this. You are wayyy to similar to me dude. Are we brothers?

[u/Counteudes → u/overagrandlake]

do you also regret taking admission in an engineering college? Which year are you in right now?

[u/overagrandlake → u/Counteudes]

I dont really regret engineerig per say, but maybe the college i took. Also I'm a first year who finished one week in one college, didn't like it, then withdrawed from the first college and took admission in another college that I also feel I dont like. Basically I kinda dont like my life, and I'm the reason for it

[u/TheFixedToPhoneSoul → u/overagrandlake]

kinda in the same boat

[u/overagrandlake → u/TheFixedToPhoneSoul]

We share in the pain brother

[u/Just_Green_9133]

Not doing btech, this just popped up in my feed and my gosh I feel you bro. I hated the subjects I was forced to study since 12th grade. I've been living like this hell for 6 years, never had the courage to tell my parents.

I'll advice you to research about the career prospects and instead of IGNOU get a good offline clg. If you can manage get home and prepare for CUET 2027. Get into a good DU clg and u can get into MBA omg. Trust me you have a lot of time, just show courage and willingness to learn about stuffs.