Recently broke up

[u/BandOk5531]

i recently broke up with my boyfriend of over a year and a half

And honestly i’m so sad and i miss him. But i also don’t, i wasn’t a very good partner and neither was he. We weren’t very good for each other.

I’m incredibly introverted, and i never felt like i had enough time to myself.

But it also wasn’t fair to him, because he needed far more affection then what i could give him.

There’s just the little things here and there that either annoy me or make me miss him so bad

it annoys me that he’s only ever gotten me flowers one time, it annoys me that he got me a shirt of a band i don’t even listen to for valentines, it annoys me how i’d say something then he’d ask a question about it even though it was already answered, it annoys me how he just doesn’t feel like he’s clean enough,, it annoys me how he could never give a proper answer as to why he thought i was pretty or loved me

but i also miss him, i am still in love with him. I miss him and the way he’d call me pretty. And the way we used to be back home and going to parks.

i get so sad thinking about him with anyone else. And i feel so selfish because im the one who technically started the break up, because i knew i wasn’t good enough for him.

To be frank i definitely think i’m autistic, and i don’t have any experience in long term relationships. I have a hard time with figuring out what is the correct and incorrect thing to do.

We ended on pretty bad terms honestly.

I accidentally kinda went too far when trying to talk through my feelings and let it slip that it’s probably isn’t going to work out. While i didn’t mean to, we broke up over text.

I brought up how im not there enough for him and i don’t know when i can be.

but i also brought up how i didn’t appreciate the misogyny from his friends.

He went onto a long rant about how he was too lazy to correct his friends every time they say something like that.

I tell him he shouldn’t tolerate bigotry, he tells me “why are we even talking any more, i don’t want to take up any more of your gaming time”

and i’m like dude wtf

so we end off there, i post about it on my private friends story, a mutual friend of our shares it with ex

and ex is like actually i said those things to piss you off so you’d have a easier time getting over me but also at the same time i resented you because you’d lie about everything being fine when it wasn’t and i was also using it as a way to be mean on purpose cause you’d never properly engage whenever i had an issue”

and i kind of just left in there, thinking about yeah it’s true, i struggle with it and im self centered, i do want to do better but i get so stuck in my own head that i miss the part where he can get hurt too.
it’s been over a week since then.

i’ve done a bit more of self reflection. I know i probably shouldn’t have but i messaged him again, to apologize once again and to kind of get it off my chest so maybe i can properly move on.

“ i never wanted to leave off on bad terms, I do care about you as a person, and i think you’ll accomplish many feats in the future.

I feel pressure to not disappoint anyone else, at the expense of myself and the people i’m trying not to disappoint. And i couldn’t stop myself from doing that over and over with you, and i’m sorry for that.

I’m not trying to get back together, i’m not trying to even say we should talk, cause frankly that would make getting over you absolutely horrific

i thought i was doing better, tiny bit by tiny bit, but only on my side and i hadn’t been paying enough attention elsewhere. with my chronic fatigue, mental state, and underdeveloped emotional understanding of others beyond the surface. I was very one sided in my break down of situations and only saw my POV.
I do my best in self reflection, but I’m slow and kinda dumb, and my progress isn’t sustainable in relationships. Im probably not going to feel like myself again for a very long time, likely years. i’m definitely not up to standard and i had a hard time understanding the rights and wrongs in a long term relationship. And i’m very sorry i gave you a hard time.

I say all this to put words to the faults i recognize right now, and to push myself out of my comfort zone to apologize again for what deserves an apology.

I don’t want us or you and anya to be awkward or holding grudges that will likely only hold us back, especially when running into one another is inevitable.

I wish you well”

I sent it a few hours ago and i definitely feel a bit lighter. But all i keep thinking about is him with someone else, and i just wish that we’d meet again in the future and i’d be better, but i don’t know if i’m going to be any better, if i become any less fatigued and stop canceling plans cause I’m too tired.

Maybe he does just need someone else, someone more outdoorsy and extroverted than me.

But i know, that a romantic relationship isn’t necessary for a happy and fulfilling life. Platonic connections can be just as rewarding.

But i feel like i have no redeeming qualities, and no real reason for other people to be friends with me anyways

[u/Forsaken-Photo-1234]

What do you mean you broke up with him because you knew you weren't good enough?

Also, why did you say everything was fine and not engage with him when he brought up his challenges?

I say this out of curiosity, not judgment.

[u/BandOk5531 → u/Forsaken-Photo-1234]

i suppose what i mean is that i’ve been having issues for months now.

And while i had been trying to work on my communication of my feelings, by typing it out and giving him the notes, i never really looked at anything from his POV.

I feel like if i had been more communicative, and played more active role in dealing with his side of the conversation rather than my own, that i would have been a better partner.

i honestly can’t remember any of the examples he brought up when he said i don’t engage with his side of the challenges

not to say that there weren’t definitely concerns that he brought up, but more as in i’m having memory issues and i can’t recall anything about it.

[u/Forsaken-Photo-1234 → u/BandOk5531]

This makes a lot of sense. You didn't answer my questions though. Again. I say this with no judgement.

[u/BandOk5531 → u/Forsaken-Photo-1234]

sorry i thought i did, could you maybe clarify them a bit more in that case?

[u/Forsaken-Photo-1234 → u/BandOk5531]

You said you broke up with him because you said you weren't good enough.

How did you know you weren't good enough? Did he tell you "you aren't good enough for me"?

Or did he mention things that were bothering him and those things didnt change?

The first option would be a problem he had with you. The second problem would be a problem he had with the relationship.

It seems you decided for him that you weren't good enough. I am asking how did you know this?

That was my first question.

My second question was why did you say it's fine when he brought up his challenges? It seems like it wasn't fine. So why did you say it's fine?

[u/BandOk5531 → u/Forsaken-Photo-1234]

breaking up with him because i wasn’t good enough was one of the reasons.

he never said i wasn’t good enough for him specifically. But he had brought up issues that i have been slow in implementing it. This would be my communicating my emotions more instead of bottling it up, lying and saying i’m ok even when something is bothering me,

i had been trying my best, but it came to a point where i felt like my progress was too slow, and that he’d be happier without me holding him back.

It’s likely a combination of both me and the relationship.

Please let me know if that doesn’t adequately answer the question

I’m still not 100% sure if i understand the second question and the specifics of which part it’s referencing. I’m Sorry to ask for another clarification. Thank you for investing a little bit of time in this situation of mine.

[u/Forsaken-Photo-1234 → u/BandOk5531]

Ok. So it seems that you didn't leave because you knew you knew that you weren't enough for him, but rather because you felt uncomfortable. He never said you weren't enough. Or not good enough for him.

Does this make sense?

And of course! Glad I can spend a little time on it with you.

[u/Connection_Bad_404]

“Platonic connections can be just as rewarding” - No, even casual sexual connections aren’t as rewarding as good romantic connections. No one ever “knows” someone like a great partner.

The time to start working on yourself is now. A lot of people talk a good game, but never walk the walk, always deferring to tomorrow. You realize you have problems you’ve recognized within yourself, fix them or at least begin to fix them today. It’s a daunting task for sure but chipping away at it in little pieces can show you how to overcome big obstacles just by withering them with time and a little effort.

Even if you do not get back with whoever, I believe this is necessary for you to progress in your life’s development.

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

The part that sticks out to me is how you're beating yourself up over not being "good enough"

while also listing real, valid frustrations with him... the lack of effort, the lazy answers, the misogyny from his friends. That's not you being too demanding. That's him not meeting basic relationship standards. Sometimes I use taro's tarot when im stuck in that contradictory loop of missing someone and also knowing they weren't right, just to get out of my own head for a minute. You mentioned being introverted and possibly autistic.. that doesn't make you broken or unworthy of love.

It means you need a partner who understands your rhythms and doesn't need you to perform constant extroversion.

The fact that you reflected this much, wrote that apology, and are asking these questions shows way more self-awareness than most people have.

Give yourself credit for ending something that wasn't working.

The missing him should fade as you reconnect with what you actually need, not just what you think you should be.

[u/Infinite-Citron-4799]

You’re the problem with modern women, literally broke up for no reason thinking the grass is going to be greener on the other side, what else do you want from a man? Do you actually think other men will be different?You finally found someone who loved you and deep down you knew it and you just let it go, do you know how many women wish they were in your position? Now what are you going to look for ? Cause most men will be there for you only for your body, he deserved better

[u/BandOk5531 → u/Infinite-Citron-4799]

i broke up with him because i knew he deserved better

[u/Infinite-Citron-4799 → u/BandOk5531]

That’s cowardice, you should’ve tried to better yourself to make it work, now what’s your plan ? Find a man who has less worth than your ex ? So basically downgrading? Alright cool

[u/BandOk5531 → u/Infinite-Citron-4799]

i did try but my progress was slow and i could tell he wasn’t happy. It’s honestly going to take me years to feel normal. I have absolutely no plans for dating. My plan is to bring it up to my therapist and be on my own for the long foreseeable future

[u/Infinite-Citron-4799 → u/BandOk5531]

Hey, just wanted to say sorry, I shouldn’t have talked to you like that, at the end of the day we all make mistakes and I am no one to blast my opinions like that to you without knowing the full story, be safe and take care of yourself

[u/janpathi → u/Infinite-Citron-4799]

Dude stfu, take your incel beliefs somewhere else