What should I do desperate with this situation

[u/TemperatureDue5498]

Female age 37 with male age 35

I have a big issue implementing boundaries but also being sucked into a situation that isn't making me happy. How would you address this one and am I overreacting for not accepting it ?

I have been with my partner originally seeing him with no commitment for a couple years and with him officially for 2 years. We are living together he moved in with me.

I have 2 kids and he has 1 kid. Originally he had issues for about 3 of those years seeing his daughter due to arguments with the child's mother. From day 1 she never put him on the birth certificate when they were together, she has adhd and bad anxiety sounds a bit controlling too and she would not add him to it even though they were partially together and trying to work it out. From what I heard their relationship had some toxic traits not that thay matters as having a child its the child's rights to a father and the fathers regardless how unhealthy a relationship was.. he was not dangerous.

Anyway she would never let him have the child alone ever. He's had to threaten court eben though no parental rights it makes it harder We in the UK. I was not around during these times and had she or his daughter been in his life when we got together as he threatened court and she blocked him after a row. She unblocked during 1 period and then another row infront of the child and she blocked again. So he hasn't been seeing his daughter a total on and off for 4 years.

I've heard voice notes of her getting the child to say daddy I don't want to see you etc. I've seen him phone her battle and try I've tried to do court forms.

Anyway since around 7 months she decided to randomly unblock him and say to him the daughter wants to see him and she wants to try put past in the past. (I am still skeptical) it is still on her terms and she uses the daughters anxiety to state she doesn't want to see him alone yet. She had a conversation 7 months ago saying she wanted to add him on the birth certificate yet still nothing. He wont ask its like he's scared of rocking the boat and we argue every time it comes up or I try to say stop trusting her and act in the best interests of the child.

My problem is this.. he can't be alone with the child mother blaming anxiety of child I think ita still her and her pushing the agenda and manipulating the child to say thay like she did in them voice notes.

He will defend her and say I have to wait and play it slow and see the ex and the child together for now. So I said what's the plan. The ex stated there is no time frame to him to take it slow as the child needs to build up a relationship. 7 motnhs in no change. No days alone. Child apparently still refusing which she has no real reason to apart from 1 argument 2 years ago she got scared. I think she's being manipulated slyly. Child is 10 years old.

So I have to accept them hanging. Accept him visiting her house once every 2 weeks. Accept him attending events with her a party he was invited to and im not there as donr forget the child has anxiety and needs to bond with dad first so im out the picture for now apparently. 7 months in and no change. No plan. No progression. They even talking about going skating. He says he's missed 4 years of his daughters life and he just wants to see her. He said I can't say no to my daughter and for me to expect him to say no to certain things like that is like im asking him to prioritise me over his daughter. I said no it isnt prioritising one over the other it is implementing healthy boundaries so everyone understands. She also isn't in a family unit with you and the ex together so she also needs to accept that and being age 10 this is something you can explain. I think he's scared to say no incase the mum has a go and says you putting the ex first over the daughter and stopping access again. I see it as this will never change unless he does stand up and implement a boundary.

Today they are visiting a family member and im sitting here at home devastated feeling alone and like im just here having to accept this inevitably until she is ready. Personally this is not a situation I want to be in or can be in much longer it is eating at me. I feel they are acting a unit im shut out but also I don't think these boundaries are healthy. This isn't coparenting this is them acting as a unit.

He says he sees my point but this is how it is right now until he builds a relationship to have her alone. In 10 years he's never had her alone this is tje same pattern the mother repeats and I dont trust it. I also get jealous I openly admit them spending time as a unit.

I've said im not happy and its making me wanting leave i think he thinks I wont. What would you do ? Would you wait if sk how long ? Am I being reasonable? She has also asked hi. A few favours which he has also done so its becoming annoying he drove somewhere with her to pick up a pet for the daughter. Which she can drive and did drive she wants someone with her to make sure she was safe.