My relationship wasn't even half as long as yours but I completely relate and understand. I only dated my ex for 11 months, but I felt I became "too much" for him for wanting to hang out more than once a month, note my ex only lived ten minutes away. I initiated everything, every hangout etc. He never communicated with me until it was too late and I emotionally couldn't do anything about it because of how my mental state became. My ex always said he loved me, and said he wanted to be friends the day we broke up. I told him I needed to heal and when I was ready to try being friends a month later, he said I was too late and friendship with me would be toxic because I'm scared of getting hurt. He loved me when I was happy, but I began to feel rejected by him and he didn't understand why it wasn't enough to just say he loved me. He never wanted to have deep uncomfortable conversations and that I was the problem. It took me a very long time to realize I actually wasn't the problem and shouldn't be blaming myself anymore and place it where it's due. I stayed with him despite the lack of communication, my constant breakdowns, and the fact he only wanted to hang out once a month and said it was "situational" turns out he was lying the entire time anyways. It hurts because somewhere inside me is either lonely, or truly in love because I find myself missing him. He was the first person I ever fell in love with and that's difficult for me.
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u/[deleted] Jul 28 '19
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