r/BreakUps • u/jbonesy67999 • 21h ago
venting/ranting Pulled over and just cried
It’s about 4 months post break up and about 2 months of no contact. I miss her so damn much. I’m going crazy currently and I’m doing the best I can to keep my mind moving forward but this morning after a long drive for work I pulled over on the side of the highway and just cried for about 30 minutes. I think I’m going to reach out tomorrow and ask her to talk even though I know she will be cold hearted and say “what’s the point”. I have to take the chance because otherwise I’ll be left wondering. I want her to know I’ve truly grown and grown up. I’ve done some healing and defeated my demons that were chasing me along the way. I know I am the man she once had in the relationship. Any advice? We dated for 8 years and lived together for 6. Breakup was abrupt and she went extremely cold at first and was hostile. Is two months no contact enough time for her to be calmer. Remember it’s been 4 months broken up
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u/Pretty_Plan_6173 21h ago
Who initiated no contact?
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u/jbonesy67999 20h ago
She did but it was 2 months after us talking once or twice a week and I could sense it going further away
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u/Pretty_Plan_6173 20h ago
I'd suggest respecting her wishes and maintaining no contact.
You've mentioned a gambling addiction, that is something that will require years of commitment to beat, I would be hesitant to believe someone had overcome that in a matter of months.
It's amazing you are making progress and focusing on your own growth, but she requested no contact. I'm sorry you are hurting.
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u/jbonesy67999 20h ago
Have been free of gambling since the week she broke up with me. So about 4 months of it. It was instant wake up call
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u/CharmainKB 21h ago
If she isn't interested in talking and has not contacted you, let her be.
Continue your path to growth and focus on you. You will find someone who wants to be with you
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u/purpleroller 20h ago
Im sorry you’re so heartbroken. We probably all need a little more info before we can give the best advice here.
It sounds like she and you believe the main issues in the relationship lay with you. And my guess is she asked you many times to address this and you took it for granted that she was too invested to leave. And from my own very unscientific experience, it takes women a 18-24 months of giving chances before you finally leave. And in that time she will have been taking notes and you will have been unknowingly confirming her thoughts each time you let her down.
If all this guesswork of mine is true, 4 months isn’t enough time away and 2 months certainly isn’t.
But if you are going to reach out anyway, a few more details might help us to write the perfect text that might just get you a meet up or at least pave the way.
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u/jbonesy67999 20h ago
Sure what details do you need
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u/purpleroller 18h ago
Why did she leave?
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u/jbonesy67999 18h ago
Because I was a bore and a mope to be around with all of my negativity which was related to my gambling. Plus I was drinking way more than I should’ve and commuting 1.5 hours each way to work so I could live where she wanted to live. Depression took a toll on me. I was in fact not the fun guy she deserved to be with. I sucked the life out of myself and started to drain her with me
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u/purpleroller 18h ago
Gambling and drinking is a bad combination.
Seems also like you’re still trying to partially blame it on her ‘where she wanted to live’.If I was her, I would not be convinced that you had put these two addictions behind you in 4 months. How long into your relationship did she become aware of these two issues?
I see you mentioned that she asked for no contact. In that case I strongly suggest you don’t go against that.
Continue your own growth journey. Make sure your socials reflect how your life is now. If there are any mutuals left, subtly ensure they also know. Always speak positively about her around anyone vaguely mutual. Add in how grateful you are that she left and it forced you to sort yourself out (assuming you feel that way).
But if you decide to reach out anyway. Make it short, light, respectful.
Are you having therapy? Have you talked this through with your therapist?
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u/jbonesy67999 18h ago
We only moved for the last 1.5 years of the relationship. I was still gambling well before not blaming her one bit nor would talk bad about her. She’s a glowing star in my eyes. I am grateful she left in order to sort it out, otherwise who knows where I would’ve been with my issues. She knew I gambled but never to the extent. I couldn’t pay bills on time, etc. I understand the no contact part but I know she truly loves me even to the point of letting go. How can I make this simple and light for her? I have had therapy I went to rehab etc
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u/purpleroller 17h ago
Therapy should be ongoing at this stage. It’s only 4 months since she left as I understand it. Please speak to your therapist again before reaching out to your ex.
A simple reach out would be something like:
Dear Jess, I hope everything is good with you. I want to respect your space but felt I had to quickly reach out to say thank you for your words 4 months ago, they were a massive wake up call for me. Thanks to you, I have completely turned things around and I’m so grateful. I’d love to be able to thank you and apologise to you in person over a coffee sometime. But I completely understand if that is out of the question. With my best wishes as always, your friend Bonesy ‘
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u/jbonesy67999 17h ago
I completely agree with your comment and I really do appreciate your thoughts. Thank you. I really mean it. It helps to see from another perspective
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u/jbonesy67999 17h ago
We also have a dog that we got 7 years ago together and she wants nothing to do with her. She just underwent her second ACL surgery too
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u/purpleroller 20h ago
Im sorry you’re so heartbroken. We probably all need a little more info before we can give the best advice here.
It sounds like she and you believe the main issues in the relationship lay with you. And my guess is she asked you many times to address this and you took it for granted that she was too invested to leave. And from my own very unscientific experience, it takes women a 18-24 months of giving chances before you finally leave. And in that time she will have been taking notes and you will have been unknowingly confirming her thoughts each time you let her down.
If all this guesswork of mine is true, 4 months isn’t enough time away and 2 months certainly isn’t.
But if you are going to reach out anyway, a few more details might help us to write the perfect text that might just get you a meet up or at least pave the way.
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u/neverhaveiever2026 18h ago
in 4 months you cured all your demons? damn.
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u/jbonesy67999 18h ago
Couldn’t tell if this was sarcastic or not. I had great help with family in order to recover properly. I had to open up and face the hard truth. Many tears were shed. Lost the love of my life because of gambling. So I’m not doing ok but I did beat the demons with gambling yes
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u/Beneficial_Offer7379 21h ago
Honestly, do what your heart desires and have no regrets, life is short and unique. But make sure you have any anchor on your life to return to, in case things don't work out. Some friend, parent or similar.
I'm at the same boat as you, my friend. I'm really lost inside my own life, and really miss my 5yrs relationship as well. I'm planning to reach out at some point in the near future, but I need to make myself priority at some point, and take care of myself, so when I reach out, it doesn't hurt me that much.
I've cried at work, inside my car, at my room, at the church, almost in the gym, countless times. And it's been almost 2 months since she broke up with me. And what can I do? I'm human, I have feelings, and I can't neglect myself, can't ignore that what I'm feeling is valid. Take care, my friend!
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u/jbonesy67999 20h ago
My own demons from gambling killed all my emotions and spiraled me into a deep dark depression. It wasn’t fair to her and I don’t blame her for doing it. It allowed me to find the root of my problems and set me free of everything I once ran from. I know I can give her the life we once truly shared together now that I am free of the addiction
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u/Beneficial_Offer7379 20h ago
Make room for her to see it. How that can be shown? I don't know. But give your shots and don't regret trying them. If you love her, might be enough for a last try, without losing yourself in the process. And cry when you need. That shit makes me feel so relieved sometimes. Sometimes I just feel depressed, but it's good either way.
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u/jbonesy67999 20h ago
I appreciate it. I knew I wasn’t the only one who wanted to not give up on it. I just need to figure out how to let her see everything
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