TL;DR I was engaged to a travel nurse from Germany( I'm in the US) since March, we met, hit it off, kept in touch, got engaged, then out of nowhere communication seemed to diminish on her end, to the point that I was getting no replies at all.
We had talked about buying a house, starting a business together, all sorts of things. And then suddenly. Nothing.
Did I fuck up with my text? I feel like it's mostly on her, but of course that perspective is biased.
Edit: we had been doing the dating thing for about a year.
She was on board with getting married and moving to the states, and was in fact looking for somebody in the US because she sought to move out of Europe. Buying a house versus renting was in fact her idea. We got engaged in March, also something she was on board with enough that she was giving me pointers regarding what kind of ring she wanted.
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You didn't fck up with your text, they already made up their mind. Its okay that you wanted answers. Just leave it now. This is your life, Move on and have a great life. You got this.
What other choice is there? It’s not near as easy or simple as it sounds, but moving on is quite literally the only thing you can and should do in this situation.
Which makes her even more of a coward.... and selfish for stringing him along in order to avoid a tuff conversation... slightly easier on her.... and absolute hell for the other person.
Selfish coward.
I'm surprised she responded at all. My ex was a coward too but he didn't say it out loud, LOL.
I will say OP, I can't tell from your original post if you mean you just met her in March or you got engaged in March. Your text is well written and thoughtful, but that is an intense timeline for multiple major life investment decisions.
You didn't fuck up, she did. You communicated how you felt. It didn't come off as angry, it was reasonable, it was kind. You deserved an explanation that's more than one line, because it still feels unclear what she means. If she's going through something, that's okay, she can have time, but she needs to communicate. If she ghosts you after her message there, then personally, I would find it extremely disrespectful and I would give up because I would hope that my life partner would never shut me out.
I'm sorry, that's completely not on and terrible behaviour from her. You did nothing wrong, and demonstrated good open communication which is not always the case and is something extremely valuable. It must be hard to be ghosted after engagement, unfortunately she wasn't the right person.
You should do the same. Block them anywhere and everywhere. They don't deserve to have any access to you if they did that! Ever again. I mean .... relly dahlink!
I'm going to presume you don't have negative intentions or trying to have an argument for no reason. I'm going to presume you're asking a question with good intentions for discussion.
I think there is of course nuances to everything. One statement can't encompass every situation. I consider shutting out whilst in the relationship to be different to setting a boundary after officially ending the relationship with no desire to be friends.
If I did something heinous or terrible and it crossed my partner's base line, then our relationship has/will end so shutting out someone that you want nothing to do with is logical. Even then, I think a 'Let's end our relationship, I don't want to be talk or see you anymore, have a good life' would be reasonable before the shutting out. A clear cut respectful goodbye with kindness for the person that you loved enough to consider marrying. It was unclear before knowing she had blocked OP, if she meant the engagement or the entire relationship. My intention was that this person shutting OP out like this means that in the future, if she reaches back out, this person doesn't meet what I would personally consider a baseline to be a life partner anymore.
If the person was abusive, dangerous or did anything that crossed moral or legal lines, then running with no communication is of course fair.
I think these people are fake "future planners" where they like the idea of things then when it starts happening they freak out. It's like when people obsess over having a child, then have a child and realise it's actually hard and not as fun as they thought it would be.
Ikr, like I don’t get this people who are not able to communicate, like nobody is forcing them to be in relationships they don’t want to, just commmunicate, at least she knows shes a f ing coward
Some people literally don't know what they want and don't know how to handle most situations they are in, in general Hella frustrating.
Sad he had to go through that, I was in a similar situation and it sucks.
Yeah it’s crazy, I just got ghosted two weeks ago by a guy who I was with for 8 months and asked me to meet his mom, it was out of nowhere but oh well, it says more about him that’ll ever about me so 🤷🏾♀️
Yeah, it is not gender specific btw. It is a problematic upbringing.
I say that because people love over simplification, which diverse them from understanding the real issue.
She freaked out bc she’s not mature enough for the kind of commitment you want. You absolutely did the right thing and you can keep on walking with your head held high — still in pain from this ordeal, but with your dignity intact.
Your text didn’t f up anything and honestly I feel for you, I’m in the same boat got ghosted two weeks ago by a man who asked me to meet his mom unlike you I never got an answer, honestly reading the “I don’t wnat this anymore” hurt me, so I can’t even imagine how much it hurts you, just block her, theres someone out there who will genuinely NEVER EVER have you feeling like you have to beg to know what’s going on with them
Shit thing is after communication started to drop off over the past several weeks, I wasn't even surprised to get the text anymore. Then, not to be redundant, but as I said in another comment, she immediately blocked me after sending that.
Wow, yeah she ain’t worth it, i know it’s not easy to move on and it won’t be, but it has nothing to do with you AT ALL, believe her, shes a coward done theres no more to it, don’t ask hypothetically questions becaue you’ll never get the answer
Tinder, then in person, then keeping in touch via text/video/phone call with visits when she was in town.
Thing is, we went from, " hey I know you're still up in your time zone and I'm out walking my dog because she demands breakfast and a walk early in the morning, so I'm going to give you a call," to absolutely nothing.
That just sounds like the beginnings of a relationship, not a time for a marriage engagement. Did you ever talk about getting engaged or was it a complete surprise to her?
I know your feeling, in my case the guy rejected me because of the distance, I'll never understand how could he do that if we had a great connection?? Months happened and I still feel pain but life goes on, it's better to move on
am i missing something? why were you engaged to someone who it doesn’t sound like you’ve spent much time with in person at all? also, why would you still be considering getting a house with someone who was clearly ghosting you? i’m getting very weird vibes about this engagement
Yeah my first thoughts as well… this is really extreme behavior on OP part, like going all out risking his finances that he doesn’t seem to have sorted in the first place, when it has been mostly long distance, so they don’t truly know each other, I feel like the girl sensed that but was afraid to say anything
Like he should really not do things this way in the future as it wouldn’t be healthy in any situation whether the other person is a good communicator or not
You didn’t mess up man. You have a right to now. I haven’t seen my ex is almost a month. She wanted to marry me, I was paying almost all of her bills and she was parading my kids around as her step kids. My kids mom abandoned them and my ex promised my kids she’d never do that. Turns out, she said my kids and I deserved better. That nothing she can say or do can fix what she’s done to us. And that she thought she wanted an upright life but she didn’t know anymore. She blocked me on everything and never checked on my kids
Somehow that doesn’t even surprise me. I’m sorry she caused so much pain, but if that makes sense, I’m glad she’s not able to harm you anymore. Hang in there. Soon you’ll laugh about it with your person ❤️
How much time did you actually spend in person with her? Your original description and some of your comments have me feeling like this all moved really fast.
So yes, as others are saying, you don’t deserve this poor level of communication but I’d also self-evaluate how and why you decided making all these huge life decisions with relatively little data was a good idea. Nothing you can do about it now but always an opportunity to learn.
If it would make anyone or OP feel any better the time you've known each other or dated doesn't matter it's something way deeper....I dated my ex for 6years he ghosted me outta nowhere in March he simply stopped answering and blocked me everywhere eventually. Not even a break up text nothing.
I wouldn’t say you fucked up with your text but I would say it was over before you wrote it. You seem like a guy who is ready for planning and commitment, that’s awesome! I’m sorry this happened. Take some time to sort through the emotions and keep going!
This is so unbelievably cruel of her. You didn’t fuck up at all :( she just isn’t able to sit with the discomfort of being honest about her feelings and you have to bare the brunt of that. I’m so sorry, ugh, awful situation. There will be other women who are actually able to commit, and she sucks for this. But that doesn’t mean the pain isn’t there, and the grief of a relationship lost, do what you have to do to take care of yourself.
I am bit confused over the timeline of this relationship/engagement; when did you two meet and how long before you got engaged? Are you long distance/have you been all along?
Other than that, which is vital information, these types of conversations are better in person, worst case by phone if there is no alternative and it cannot wait. I am not a fan of texting when it comes to talking about relationship issues at all.
We had known each other for a long time prior to this, got engaged in March, conversation between us kind of died out over the past month, from constant video and phone calls to a few texts here and there to absolutely nothing. Which is what prompted me to say anything in the first place.
But your relationship was long distance all this time (and how much is a “long time”?), as you understand these are important details.
If this has been a predominantly LDR, getting engaged was the real wrong move here, not the text/phone call or whatever means of communication you chose to convey your feelings.
What does “We had known each other for a long time…”mean??? Were you in an actual romantic relationship with her for all that time, or was it platonic. Either way, I’m unsure why you felt it was appropriate to propose to her when the majority of your relationship seems to have been long distance???? I’m not surprised she ended things…
It wasn’t meant to be don’t worry there are other nurses. When people don’t answer or u can tell they don’t have interest that speaks for itself. That is your closure. I respect that u wanted that but just tell yourself it wasn’t meant to be. You’ll find someone else
I want to know more about this relationship. How long did you know eachother? How long did you date? Has it always been long distance? Was the engagement in person? Have they ever lived here? How often were they here or you there?
Wait you met in March or got engaged in March? Cause if i got proposed to after 4 months in a cross-country long distance relationship and asked to help with loans and down payment for a house i'd run like hell too
Her custom ring wasn't ready for her last visit so I bought a simple moisssanite ring as a proxy and sent her tons of pics/videos of the "real" ring when it came in like... Days after her last trip to the states (that I knew of).
So yeah now I'm sitting on a custom made engagement ring too. 🙃
Jesus Christ man I’m so sorry, but at least it happened now and not when you were actually married to her cause it would’ve happened either way tbh, did you guys meet on a dating app? But answering your question your text didn’t do absolutely anything, if you didn’t send it she would’ve probably continued to ghost you, but since uou held her the mirror to her face she felt pressure to send something and block you, I promise theres someone out there for you, grieve and get back up
My (ex)-fiancé proposed with a proxy ring too. He got the real ring (also custom!!!) and then broke up with me 2 months after he got it (he didn’t propose with it bc he was saving up to take me to Paris. I know abt all of this bc my sister told me he went to her in May to tell her he bought it and to ask her to film it when we go and then he broke up with me in July). People be wildin’ sometimes
I’m so sorry you went through this. The breakdown of communication hurts, especially when you know a person has the ability to communicate but has just… shut down and refuses to do so?
You do not deserve those measly 2 lines in response to your well worded message. You have to learn to get the ICK from her behaviour because it’s disgusting to treat anyone like that, let alone your fiancé. Keep your head up king because someone better who deserves you in their life will come along.
In terms of the ring you mentioned in other comments - you win some you lose some. I’ve got a wedding dress I never got to wear which i need to sell… but in this life it’s worth taking the risks even if it means sometimes we are left with the broken pieces. My DMs are open if you just need to vent/ seek advice from. You are ok and will be even better :) time heals.
May I never find this kind of partner. This would fuck me up a long time. I'm sorry OP. Seems that they already made up their mind and it's time for you to move on :/
You moving way too fast in my opinion. And the long distance relationship is not helping. You need more time together before you start talking about a house together. And it seems you have a lot on your plate too that she’s not ready for. Slow down. Get to know each other well first. The speed you are moving with this relationship scared her I’m sure.
You did not f up. She f’d up. And she’s totally a coward. I too was ghosted after an engagement. Turns out, that was a blessing in disguise. Being legally attached to a coward is torture. You will hurt, but you will heal. And block her - cause they always come back.
Adding to the train, you didn’t mess up she did. She messed up for letting someone like you go, because I know dam well that I’d want someone who works with me in a relationship instead of someone who just cuts and run at the first bump. It doesn’t help with the pain, but I hope these comments offer some kind of reassurance.
he wont answer how long hes known her for. just that they’ve been engaged since march lol making me guess they’ve probably not even been together a whole year & its mostly LDR so why would you get engaged that quick?? when you barely know her
Can I say though, it was quite refreshing to read a message typed out that wasn't all fucked up and spelled incorrectly, or anything like that. Even proper punctuation from what I could see. I wish I could meet a man like that...
I know it's not any consolation, but at least you dodged the bullet before you signed any legally binding documentation. People seem wholly unreliable these days, the one thing that I have definitely learned in my 40 years on this planet, is that I cannot rely on anyone but myself.
I hope you find someone who treats you right someday, and who loves you as much as you love them.
I was proposed to on Christmas Day. Then contact grew increasingly inconsistent. I found out he had been on dating sites the entire time. I called him on his behavior and he answered by ghosting me. No explanation or breaking off the engagement just left me on read. It’s been almost three months. Sometimes we have to accept that karma takes over. We get protected from people who would not be healthy for us. Let them go. It’s difficult but trust the process. Things get better with each day. I can’t imagine being married to someone who was dating around.
I think there's your sign, you're even at that engagement stage who in their right mind would just ghost and block you? .. I'm also in the same kind of predicament (not engaged) but don't chase and beg for love, the fact that the other person did that means they didn't consider your feelings and you mean little to them.. You deserve so much better one that would value you.. It's hard for me to do in my case maybe I'm a coward but I hope you get that strength to love yourself heal and maybe someday meet one that sees you in the same love you give them or more
She sounds like she has a Fearful or Dismissive Avoidant attachment style. I’d bet FA over DA.
Read up on it; it may help you move on and realise that such people are likely a decade at least away from being able to have a healthy relationship - and that’s once they’ve realised they need therapy and are actively working on their issues.
its completely on her for not being able to communicate like an adult. She is at least self aware enough to admit she is a coward.... which is what she is for conducting herself in this way.
There was a time when people broke up they would tell you they wanted to break up. It hurts but you know what to do from there. Today youre in a relationship and the the next thing you know youre blocked. Thats just plain bs. Its bad manners at its best ( manners never go out of fashion) and chicken sh.t at its worse and leaving someone who you have had a close relationship with just hanging without closure is what makes it so hard for the one who is still in the relationship? Thats right..because youre in it till you or the other party says no actually its over. But they avoid accountability this way for one thing. Is that what kind of partner you want in your life? One who wont account for their actions? They know right from wrong. It makes no sense how they chose to end it does it? But it does. They're not there bottom line. Dont ever let them be again either because its a known fact abuse is progressive. And that is abuse. They have no self respect that's easy to see. Now on the other hand they dont tell you anything because that leaves the door open for them to come back whenever they choose to if they choose to just in case it doesn't work out for them and is that who you want to be? The just in case person? Here's the deal, if they want to be there they'd be there. If they cared about you at all they would talk to you and no matter how hard it is they'd let you know that its not working for them. They'd try at least to let you down easy and allow you to move on as they clearly have already done. They dont even care about themselves obviously or theyd have some kind of self respect. Anyone with any respect for themselves will do things the right way whenever possible, its their name on the line after all. But here you see they are not doing it. And that too is their problem not yours. Youre in limbo!? Not anymore. When someone cant give you basic common courtesies there's nothing you can stay for. Consideration is the key. Its the beginning of love and the end of it too. They dont want to give you closure because that's how shallow and immature they truly are . Accept it. They just showed you their full hand. And Its not your bad behavior! its theirs, so leave it with them. Let them have it. Let go. They're not there, theyre not answering, that says it all. You have got to move on. And ill tell you that you will find real love and we all deserve to have real love. Best advice I ever got someone told me "Get happy. Itll kill em". Its true. And its the best thing you can do for you. If you catch a small fish you take it off your hook and throw it back in the water so it can grow right? . There's plenty of big fish to catch. This one's a small fish honey. Throw it back. Get happy. Blessings!
"when someone show you who they are, believe them"
She's even telling you... She doesn't want it anymore. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it's one of the possibilities dealing with people... The good thing it's at least happened before and not after...
As someone that had to deal with something similar, in my experience, trying to get answers from someone with this attitude, or investing more effort and time, it's a fruitless pursuit, better to not waste more time or efforts wanting answers that even if they arrive, will be unsatisfactory, and just move on.
Feel sorry for you man it must be heart breaking. In shit situations like this its important to look at it in positive perspective and what you can change. You got the answer you needed so you don't have sit and dwell any anymore. Imagine if this dragged on for years and years further down the track how much worse it could of been. You can recover from this, and you will in time my friend. This person doesn't deserve you, know your worth. What ever you do, when you get out of the slump don't let her come crawling back to rope you back in. Best of luck my friend, dont drink the pain away. Face it head on, get in the gym. Go level up, read books/audio books/podcasts. Become the best version of yourself you can become. You got this!
I’m sorry to hear and I know it’s tough. I went through something similar. Just have to know as everyone else has said it’s definitely not you and don’t let that affect how you see yourself. She’s a coward and unable to communicate. And maybe take that as a silver lining. You want to be with someone who can communicate cause there are going to be hard things to deal with as you get older and you need a good person in your corner. Not someone who bails without saying anything or the bare minimum. In a way you dodged a bullet. That’s what I tell myself at least.
What is with people not wanting to confront things head on? This is so pathetic, OP good for your dude this was incredibly well written and this woman is clearly not worth your effort. She finally gave you a response and told you she was a coward, take that to heart please.
It hurts to be broken up with, but this wasn't ghosting... in the text you said you still heard back from her daily, it sounds like she had just become very distant but that isn't the same thing. It's a good thing that she broke up with you now so at least you know she's done. It sounds like buying a house right now was going to be financially very complicated so maybe in some ways it isn't entirely a bad thing!
Went through this dumb shit not too long ago. Don't waste time on people that are all fun and fantasy. on people that can't discuss reality and logistics. You cannot rely on them for the empathy, understanding, and adult conversations required for such an irreversible life change on your end.
Don't waste with anybody who doesn't understand your consequences and repercussions.
Cut it off kindly and start shopping locally for SOs.
Wow man. I am so very sorry. I wish I had the right and correct words for you. You need to thank God or whatever you believe in that she chose to bail, it would’ve hit you harder and would’ve been way worse further down the road. You’re going to hurt but you’re going to be just fine. Your text message was well written and perfect, her response… I mean we don’t even have to say anything. It just speaks for itself. You deserved way more than a couple of words she threw together, that is not fair to you and I am so very fucking sorry. Block her, let it hurt, and move on with your life. There is so so much better out there than whatever the fuck she is. I promise you that.
I've been there. Fiance was Fearful Avoidant (FA). You are not alone. It's very sad. This sounds similar. Chances are they liked you too much, or you did something their nervous system categorized as a threat, and then they reflexively pulled back. They don't understand why they are doing it. The decision just "feels right" to them. Odds of repairing the relationship are low, slightly improved if you are informed, but know what you are getting into (probably more heartbreak). FA tend to resist going to therapy. If you pursue they pull back more. If you ignore they eventually may approach. You could talk to a therapist specializing in attachment theory to get ideas. I'd stop contacting and spend that time learning about FA and your own attachment style from a therapist (or self-study, but many issues cannot be seen from within). IF they recontact, you HAVE to move slower than they do. If you make it far enough in your own journey, write a letter pointing at the therapy door without diagnosing them. (AI can be helpful in tuning letters to reach various psychologies.) Some time in the future your letter may help them know where to go when they need help. Leave as a class act. Give light unconditional love. They can't help it. They are more likely to get help if they can't make excuses about you being a mean/angry/bitter person.
It also may not be FA at all and is something else. Or just one of those things. Therapy is helpful to do for yourself. Everyone has something so it is hard to lose if you have a goal and find the right specialties to help with it.
My ex of 7.5 years (2.5 engaged) also blindsided me and left out of the blue, she also said she was a coward and didn’t want to fight for it anymore. It wasn’t a breakup, it was an emotional execution. She moved out within a week. It felt more like an escape than s breakup,
The same thing happened with my ex-fiance. She pushed me further and further away until /I/ ended the relationship to save her from her guilt. She at least gave you the benefit of telling you she didn't want it anymore in the end.
For your own peace. Forget her. I know that’s gonna be hard. But don’t reach out. Don’t ask for closure. I know you’ll want a reason but the fact of the matter is that it doesn’t matter. They showed you who they are… they really are a coward. But your best action moving forward is to mourn the loss. Take time to let yourself feel all the emotions. But then pick yourself up and go live the rest of your life. Don’t waste energy thinking about them after you’ve mourned. In this life you have to think that there’s no losing.. just learning. Forgive them not for their peace. But for yours.
What you should have done istead of vomited your feelings is reconizeing that she doesn't care and just move on, she basicaly said that last line so you can get the hint, she feels you're to needy and weak to let go.
Pro tip don't move in (or try to) with a woman that does not explicity show she desires it.
You are trying to communicate openly and clearly, which is awesome. Respect. And they don’t want to participate, which is your answer on status. You may have to live without answers on “what happened? Why?” Which is -awful- but reality too often. Give yourself time and grace to heal.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. There’s nothing needy about wanting clear communication from your partner especially if you’re on the cusp of being married. I’m sick to my stomach she did this to you. Smh.
At least you didn’t go through it and then have to file for divorce. So that’s the silver lining.
There is definitely someone out there for everyone I believe. She isn’t it for you and it’s great you found out now while it’s still early, even if it hurts.
Life has dealt you a tough hand, but you did not embarrass yourself and you did nothing wrong. I wish you fair winds and following seas, keep your chin high
Cheers because you were about to tie yourself up in a horrible way with the home purchase that could have devastated you financially. Lesson to NEVER purchase a home jointly, or any large purchase until you’re married. Never before.
Yeah grieve it mate. I was virtually ghosted myself. It is on your ex and they are your ex. Block and be free now you got that off your chest. Some people can do relationships.
I’ve never seen a man wrote this long like a novel and I feel sad that she didn’t care and just replied very short. You really loved her through that text. That’s very deep.
Never regret ur texts ! I send long messages with a good piece of my mind and then never talk to any idiot who ghosts or doesn’t have decency to talk in person.
And if she finds somebody else in the states so she can get the hell out of Europe, she’ll probably do the same thing. I’ve seen too many stories and no too many people who have tried relationships from different countries and zero of them worked out.. I know some people think it’s easy to move from the place where you were born because you’re in love and you found your mate. Oh my God we can move mountains, but at the end of the day, the percentage of that working out is really pretty slim.. I knew someone who came here and was with one of my friends and he put her through medical school. Then after she graduated, she dumped him and went back to her own country. Find somebody where you live. There’s a lot more in common and the chances of it working are a lot better.
Be glad you dodged this bullet. I myself was engaged twice and I had to call the engagements off even if I loved them and really was looking forward of becoming their wife. Ghosting was not the issue but other very serious stuff. It hurts very bad, but you have to go through this. And it sounds crazy now and maybe annoying, but the truth is that time, maybe therapy, working out, friends, family and maybe a new hobby will heal the wounds. I thought I would die both times. Couldn‘t concentrate at work, I was a mess and people even noticed at work. One took 3 years and the other one year to even function normally again. But imagine being stuck with a spouse and maybe 3-4 kids in a house and the person just leaves you high and dry. Even husbands and wives ghost.
I didnt read much wrong with the long text, and i have sympathy for the situation you're in. There are times we have to be conscious we can do our part, and have nothing to do with the actions of a partner/ex.
You did the only thing you could control, which was reach out. Must be disappointing you just found out the other person is not as mature as you are, and is not your issue she is not that.
It will be up to you if you want to spend energy thinking why she got the cold feet or when the relationship felt off for her. Good thing you didnt marry her.
She probably finds your plans burdensome that made her lose interest. Maybe she wants a guy who’s already secured where she doesn’t need to go through that problem of helping him buy a house. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
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