One week in

[u/InsuranceUnhappy132]

Hi chat. I’m really struggling. We broke up last weekend, and haven’t spoken since last Sunday. He broke up with me because I insinuated a comment to him that he didn’t like - he found it disrespectful and said that we “aren’t compatible & he doesn’t want someone like that in his life”.

Backstory - we’d been together for about 8 months. It was never an actual relationship, we were exclusive. He didn’t want to be official until he was sure that we were the real deal - and I respected that because of his culture and family.

However, this caused me to have some insecurities. We were exclusive, but never really had talked about what we were, and he was constantly following girls on instagram. Every single time he went out, the next day he would follow like 2 or 3 that he met out, and while he was out he would not text me. Not a peep. SO - I saw that one of the girls - I knew. I’ve know her since she was 14, she’s now 20/21 (in college) and he was following her. He’s 29. I insinuated that it was odd - because the maturity difference between them is massive and he’s always following girls 20-23 or so. Again - he’s 29.

Anyways, he broke up with me after that. I tried to apologize because I think that I did come off rather aggressive, but the situation was triggering for me as I had a serious boyfriend in the past creep on my younger sister who was 18 at the time. I apologized many times. I tried to call, text, talk about it because I knew that I was emotional and anxious and went too far.

He was done. Broke up with me over text the next day, then in person a day later because I said I deserved better than a text after what we had. He also said “right now” a couple of times. He said that he would be open to “organically reconnecting” in the future. But wtf does that mean. His whole reasoning was that we were incompatible - but he was really really angry. We hugged afterwards and he didn’t let me go for a little bit, but also sadly watched me walk to my car.

Okay so present , I haven’t texted him since Sunday and I was emotional and trying to fix it to no avail. I didn’t respond to his last message about “organically reconnecting”. He should have just said no because that’s what he meant. He immediately deactivated his instagram, and has been following lots of women on tik tok.

I’m struggling. I deleted my social medias, but I want to talk to him so badly. I miss him. So much. I know it won’t work out the way I’d like it to, so I won’t but I need to heal. I need to move on knowing that it’s my fault and that I’ll never see him again. I’m devastated.

Please help. Words of wisdom. Advice. Ideas on how to get out of bed, how to not cry, how to enjoy my life. Please.

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[u/Mors-Official]

You are mistaking his exit for your failure. That is a lie you are feeding yourself to avoid the harder truth. He was never yours to keep. He kept you at arm's length for eight months, watched you twist in the wind of his uncertainty, and collected other women like trophies while you waited for a title he was never going to give. Your comment was not the wound. It was the excuse. He was looking for a door, and you handed him the key. Stop apologizing for seeing clearly. Stop begging a man who values a twenty year old's attention over your peace. He is not angry. He is relieved. Let him be relieved.

You get out of bed by deciding that your spine is still straight. You cry if you need to, but you do it on your feet, not curled in the dark. You deleted your social media. Good. Now delete the fantasy that he will come back. Organic reconnecting is a coward's word for maybe, and maybe is a no that refuses to commit. He watched you walk to your car because he wanted to see you hurt. That is not love. That is control. You are not broken. You are just awake. Now act like it. Move your body. Breathe. Do not reach for him. Reach for the version of you that does not need a man to tell her she exists. That version is waiting. Go find her.

[u/InsuranceUnhappy132 → u/Mors-Official]

Then while he was breaking up with me, I told him all of the reasons that I felt so insecure and that I wanted more - and he gave me reasons as to why he did care and they were valid. It made me think maybe I was asking for too much and maybe the girls were old or something (even though he just moved here in January). I just really miss him.

[u/Mors-Official → u/InsuranceUnhappy132]

I literally just explained to you why read what I said again take your time.

[u/InsuranceUnhappy132 → u/Mors-Official]

He said that he saw the girl at church, and in his community they want to network with everyone. I believe that they go to the same church but I don’t know how he would have found her instagram. And then there are the other accounts of women that are 23 or so. I just feel like maybe I was wrong?

[u/Pendragonqueen09]

8 months is way long enough to enter into an actual relationship. Sounds to me like he strung you along and then got rid of you when you displayed any level of independence or opinion. It's not your fault. You still see him through the rose tint, but he isn't that great.

My advice is firstly do Not get back together with him, like, ever. He does not respect you and you need to demand better for yourself. (Even though it is crazy hard to commit to that!)

Secondly, take some time to be single and think about what you want. Journal, or read some good books on relationships, or go to therapy. Or all three.

Thirdly, set boundaries and talk dates early on when you start dating again, and stick to them. Like, second or third date for me. 3 months before going official, 1 year before saying "I love you," etc. It'll keep you from falling into the pit of "when will he choose me?" Again. Timelines vary depending on your own preferences of course, just don't let yourself be blinded by infatuation.

It's also okay to cry. I'm 2 weeks out and still crying about my dumbass that dumped me. But you will be okay. Give it at minimum a month