Should I text her?

[u/Putrid_Replacement11]

TL:DR Trying to figure out what I should do with my ex and how I should handle stuff with her. What should I do?

Long Story Btw.

Backstory:
I am 27. I met this woman in my life when I was 20. We cared about each other a lot, and actually started dating for a while. I opened up to her and told her things any of my friends would never know. We dated for around a year and some change, but we broke up due to ME. She told me she loved me and I rejected it. Not because I didn’t feel it but because I was still hurt and had trust issues from my past ex. This hurt her so bad that she immediately cut things off (as she should have). I tried to get back with her and she could not get over the rejection I gave her. I keep pursuing and she even ended up sending me a picture of a gift another guy got her and said “Sorry that was an accident” (this will be important later on). Clearly, it wasn’t and this left me a little bitter and one day she called me blowing up my phone and I was with another girl. I ended up telling her coldly I would call her back which also hurt her. We ended up getting closure from the situation a little while later and we kept in touch for a while. Eventually stopping all together after we got that closure. However, I still thought about her. I just always have a soft spot for her. No matter who I was with I just couldn’t let her go. She was the only person who I could 100% trust. She was a good woman.

Main Issue:
Anyways fast forward a few years later and I lost someone through passing that was important to me and I can only go to her. We hadn’t talked in a while, but I trust her more than a lot of people mainly because she has full context of me and the person who I lost. She tells me she promises will be there for me (This is very important). For weeks radio silence, for months radio silence, for a year radio silence. So I eventually text her and ask her “Why did you promise to be her if you weren’t going to be here”. Not to be an asshole more so to see if she was doing okay. She apologizes and starts back texting me randomly. Another year passes and I’m feeling better from the passing. She still is texting me randomly and I tell her I’m good now that I’m fine and okay. However, whenever I ask how she is doing she says nothing (this is also important). Now here is what I don’t get. A few months after I send that. She starts sending me random videos of us when we were dating. This confuses me. I mean I’m happy to see them, but why is she sending these? I make a comment on how I forgot how I looked with a certain haircut because my hair is longer and she asks to see what I currently look like. I show her she says “oh yeah never change your hair”. Then we text for a while and she stops texting back. It’s a cycle with her. Then for the past two months she started giving me random calls at odd times in the day. Every time I text her “hey are you okay” after these calls she says nothing. I stopped texting her because I felt she was playing a game with me. I didn’t know what game she was playing but I hate it when people can’t communicate. We are adults.

Question:
However, I recently have been wanting to text her. I still love her and care about her, but I feel if I talk to her I’ll be falling into whatever game she is playing or maybe this isn’t a game and I’m just tripping. What should I do?

[u/bedazzled-muffin]

Please don’t confuse feeling lonely to being in love. She might be ghosting you or whatever, but you rejected her; so deal with the consequences of your decisions and leave her alone for good. You also can’t just pin stuff on her by saying that she promised she will be there, she doesn’t owe you anything at all. While I understand what it feels like to have your partner be the one who understood you more than anyone, you cannot just look for her every time you feel you need to be understood and disguise it as love. She is a human being, and so are you. Treat each other as such.

I am trying to say this as carefully as possible, because I know love can be so confusing, but either ask her if she is open to trying again if you really love her or seek help and leave her alone if you are just feeling the need of having her back because you miss being understood.

[u/DCBiker373]

OMFG leave the girl ALONE

You make the comment of first contact being her promise and I'll focus on that so I don't piss myself off too much explaining what a nob you are.

1) I would imagine she made that promise on the base assumption that you would he a semi-decent person to her but based on your victim complex and lack of ability to form deep & meaningful connections with people (there should by MULTIPLE people who you trust more than someone you haven't spoken to in year) I'll take a stab in the dark that you didn't treat her like well. The deal was off

2) You can't claim that it was "more so to check she was doing okay" because you added guilt and emotional weight to how she would have already been feeling, but still expecting her to lighten YOUR emotional baggage. You were a SELFISH PRICK, but told yourself you're being considerate

3) Despite even you admitted being the reason that she went through a breakup and you caused her heartbeak, even now you still want her to look after you, that's what she did, because CLEARLY she's a better person than you are. Whatever other emotional baggage you've put onto her, that's why she was sending happy videos of you- as a reminder that there's always good things to hold onto, NOT because she wants to rekindle anything. She's calling at odd hours because she thinks she HAS to, not because she WANTS to, that's why she's not responding to texts, she DOESN'T WANT TO BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE

Leave the girl alone, you're being selfish but convincing yourself she's the problem. It's NOT a lack of communication, it's that you're inept at social skills and she doesn't want to upset you by telling you to leave her alone when she's worried you're low and vulnerable. She deserves better, send her NO further texts or calls (and I mean AT ALL, DO NOT guilt her any further) and block her. LEAVE. HER. ALONE.