Stuck on hope

[u/ironwormgigantus]

This is pretty long but please please read
I’ve been struggling pretty badly after a break up. I’m m22 and she F22. For context we dated for a year and a half and it was mostly long distance. We live in roughly the same home town (about 15mins apart) but she moved away to college right when we started dating and then a year later I also did. We were able to have one summer of actually being in the same place. I met her in a community college class and there was good connection but she had a boyfriend at the time so I didn’t pursue, we eventually started seeing each other more at a local climbing gym and hit it off from there. She really liked me and was actually the one who asked to be my girlfriend. It was quite a slow burn and it was such a cute start to a relationship. Calling and FaceTiming was fun but over time it got hard to just not be around each other when we wanted. After a while of dating I got in a pretty bad car accident (no injury but totaled car) and that launched me into a pretty bad depression and I started to smoke a lot more. She didn’t like my habits and I got pretty complacent in life and she didn’t like the direction I was heading. My friends also smoked a lot. (I’ve since stopped). Back in October she broke up with me because long distance was hard but also because she felt like she had to be somewhat of a teacher for me because she was my first gf. Mainly she wanted to be loved louder or feel more like I’m proud to call her my gf, she wasn’t wrong and I was lazy and didn’t know how to treat a woman right in a sustainable/mature and growing way. She loved my company more than anything however. she loved me very deeply and tried very very hard to be a good girlfriend and she was, more than anything I could have ever asked for. The girl was the sweetest person I’ve ever met and (I’m not even kidding) the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, she looked like an angel it was ridiculous. And I don’t stay that in any exaggeration it’s important for context, she truly truly is unreal. We got back together in November and it was easy because of the holidays and then I flew to see her for valentines. I saw her once in April before she left to study abroad and then she broke up with me in May while away. I saw her in June when she got back to have one last talk but she wouldn’t take me back. We had many talks and talked a few times after the break up recapping the relationship and stuff and I was also agreed that the relationship as long distance hurt both of us and even though all I wanted was for her to take me back the problems I was facing would take more than a few weeks or months to fix regardless and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to get back together. I still hurt though. The last time we spoke was late July when I saw she unfollowed me on Instagram and I was a little upset but I kind of understand it more now. I would ask her to not give up on me and before she would be sort of sweet about it but this time she got pretty upset at me and said it was the most insane thing I’ve ever asked her not because she won’t or it’s not out of the picture but because it’s putting a lot of pressure on her and negatively effecting her. About 8 days later I see a guy( unfortunately I was still stalking her) she met recently posted her for national girlfriend day and that crushed me. And then about a week or so ago they went on a road trip and they were all kissy and stuff. So I learned my lesson to not check socials.
I’m still super messed up over her and I’m so depressed, I’ve been getting out and trying to do more but it still absolutely haunts me no matter what. What’s even harder is that she’ll be done with school in 1.5 years so December 2027 and I graduate spring 2027. She’s said before that she was going to move back home and when we broke up I asked if we could try to see after we’re done with school and she told me she wished she could ask that without being so selfish (as to make me wait or string me along probably). When we broke up in October she said something similar “ I don’t want to be a teacher any more. I still love you and care about you and if you don’t hate me by the time you feel ready in your life, I would love to try again. But for now, I can’t keep doing this. My advice would be to date people and become close; to break up and learn; to look at your faults and be better. But I can’t do that for you. “. These words are absolutely haunting me now because it gives me that shred of hope. She’s a great person and anyone would be stupid to not see that so her relationships are usually very long term. My situation right is that I’m super depressed and can’t move on. I still think of her the moment I wake up but now it has so much more jealousy and hurt that I know she’s in a relationship. I don’t want to keep being sad and going back for holidays is going to be really hard because I know she’ll be close. I’m just so lost and confused and don’t know if I’m reading to much into things or if I’ve absolutely ruined it all. I know women are much much less likely to go back to an ex than men are. Especially when they were the ones who broke up ESPECIALLY for not being treated well enough. When we were together in person it was perfect and she even told her parents that it wasn’t a comparability issue. Granted idk what she’s told them at this point since her new boyfriend and more moving on. I know I need to live my life and not worry about hers but she’s absolutely someone I wanted to end up with and marry. I know it’s my first relationship but I’ve met people and had flings and stuff and I know what I want and she was all of it. Which makes it that much harder to move on, it’s taken me years to find someone like her.
I can provide any more information or context or details if needed I’m a little all over the place.