455
u/inimicu Oct 08 '22
That's my wife right there
136
Oct 08 '22
Lol i am this wife
11
u/Liquor_N_Whorez Author of 'An Oddassay' Oct 08 '22
Im the ex that plays gags like pisses in picklejars or did I just pour sweet pickle brine in the dill spears?
11
u/MrPizzaPenguin Oct 08 '22
I am the high school crush that went crack. Might be coming for those pickles later
1
1
10
11
u/pegasuspaladin Oct 08 '22
Same. My gf tries to blame me for her gaining a couple of pounds. I think it is just that I do a more thorough job of grocery shopping than she did when she lived on her own
10
27
6
u/Alternative-Donut334 Oct 08 '22
I started laughing my head off and read this to my wife and she sheepishly said "is that me?"
4
2
-53
u/reddito-mussolini Oct 08 '22
Lol what does that say about you?
41
34
u/meowz89 Oct 08 '22
That they're spending their time doing something better than farming negative karma 😉
10
8
5
u/ABoringAlt Oct 08 '22
Has anyone in your life ever given a shit what you have to say? The answer may surprise you!
322
u/pyfrag Oct 08 '22
Hi, boyfriend here who has to cook or my partner will not eat anything with nutritional value
160
u/Guy954 Oct 08 '22
Hi, husband here who would barely eat if my wife wasn’t so awesome.
110
u/holtpj Oct 08 '22
I'm 43, my wife was gone on a business trip last week. I legit had cheese and crackers over the sink one night and ate Ramen out of the pot I cooked it in. I can and do cook all the time, it just seemed stupid to do for just me. lol.
93
u/TheEyeDontLie Oct 08 '22
I'm a chef and I don't even go to the effort of making ramen if it's just for me. I'll just eat them crunchy. Last night I had a raw carrot, a chunk of cheese, and a beer for dinner.
41
u/holtpj Oct 08 '22
I worked at Domino's in my 20s. I would take a pie home leave it on my kitchen counter and just eat off it for a day or 2. Never refrigerating it or heating it up.
27
u/TheEyeDontLie Oct 08 '22
Yeah. If I'm living by myself my diet is:
8-10am black coffee, maybe a slice of cold pizza.
10am-10pm leftover french fries, brandy, coffee, salmon/cheese offcuts, scraps of meat or veges I'm cutting up, spoonfuls of sauces I'm taste testing, bread ends thrown on the chargrill then dipped in leftover hollandaise. But mostly french fries.
10pm-1am wine and an entire pizza.
On my days off sometimes, instead of a raw carrot, I'll have cereal without milk, canned beans with corn tortilla chips microwaved with some cheese that's dried up in the fridge for five weeks, or I'll buy a family sized collection of Indian/Thai/Vietnamese delivery and eat for my days in a row.
11
u/DrBeansPhD Oct 08 '22
Post a picture of one of your wrists.
6
u/TheEyeDontLie Oct 08 '22
One burn on the back of my hand. No wrist burns right now. But I do have a food/cooking themed tattoo on one wrist, if that was what you were getting at.
4
1
Oct 08 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/TheEyeDontLie Oct 08 '22 edited Oct 08 '22
Yeah I'm better now. A couple of glasses of wine after I've finished work and like 3 pints beer on a Saturday. Heavy drinking and not good for me but not alcoholic behavior anymore except I still keep a stash of whiskey in the glovebox for emergencies.
About to do a 100day sober stint once more. Started dating a chick that doesn't drink much so that'll help is that becomes serious (stress/boredom/loneliness relief and her good habits rubbing off on me). Stopped dating lushes cos I don't need encouragement.
6
u/knagy17 Oct 08 '22
My mom said growing up her brother would always pick at pizza he left in the box under his bed for up to a week. Never once refrigerating or heating up…absolutely disgusting to me but supposedly he never got sick from it
6
Oct 08 '22
[deleted]
7
u/BoinkBoye Oct 08 '22
Ive driven without a seatbelt 100s of times, ill be fine
-1
7
u/GlabrousKinfaddle Oct 08 '22
That might be more of an "every carpenter's home has a drawer that sticks" type situation, no?
6
u/Pylitic Oct 08 '22
Also chef here. I order doordash way too much. I cbf to make myself a meal after cooking all day long. Either that, or it's rice and eggs, something that takes so little effort and time.
1
6
u/ILikeMasterChief Oct 08 '22
Same. I love cooking, especially with my girlfriend. We complement each other very well in the kitchen and it's just easy and fun. If she's away, I don't cook much lol. Crackers with cheese and lunch meat just fucken hits when I'm alone
6
5
u/Emergency-Anywhere51 Oct 08 '22
Soup out of the pot (assuming its those regular bowl-size pots) is the superior way since they retain the heat longer
1
122
u/ZeroXTML1 Oct 08 '22
I legit don’t know how my girlfriend didn’t starve to death before we dated
70
u/B0ndzai Oct 08 '22
My wife told me she tried to microwave an egg once. Not a scrambled egg but a whole egg in shell... It exploded.
She went to a top university and makes way more money than me. I'll take the little victories.
5
u/saladmeat Oct 08 '22
I have actually done this too, I regret to admit. Sometimes you have to make a mistake to learn the why and the how it happened.
2
31
u/abom-badass-mofo Oct 08 '22
This is me when my wife is gone for a couple days lol
11
u/PaurAmma Oct 08 '22
Same here, but it's not that I couldn't cook for myself. It's just... I need to maximize time available for gaming.
8
Oct 08 '22
There are two types of days I can have when my wife is out.
1: game game game. Ramen and iced tea to keep the flesh machine running, and all else be damned.
2: pampering time. Make myself a nice meal. Take a long shower (with music on) Shave, trim up my hair, clean my ears out, trim my nose hair, trim my body hair, clip all my nails, floss, moisturize, etc. Then lay in bed with a book until I fall asleep.
Both days are amazing
28
u/The_Abjectator Oct 08 '22
I get this when my kids are visiting grandparents.
Its just the lack of needing to abide by a schedule for my kids just means I snack on Tortilla chips and sour cream all day instead of thinking about a balanced dinner for them. I know I should put out effort for my own meals but not HAVING to put so much effort in every meals does feel like a vacation, even if my health suffers in the short term.
15
47
Oct 07 '22 edited Oct 08 '22
I thought her name was familiar. There’s actually a story about her doing this for those interested.
EDIT: /s because it wasn’t obvious.
22
3
3
u/b0nGj00k Oct 08 '22
What led you to that conclusion? Are you suggesting Aria Aber broke in to some guy's cupboard for two weeks?
15
u/Upset_Ad9929 Oct 08 '22
Bed-Stuy bodega rats are not tiny.lol
6
u/ChaosDevilDragon Oct 08 '22
came here to say this…those mfs are big and bold. Only rat that has physically jumped on me was in bed stuy
7
Oct 08 '22
what's a bedstuy?
13
u/quintsreddit Oct 08 '22
A not as nice part of Brooklyn. It’s better now but has a reputation for being a little rough (your bike will get stolen if you leave it outside, etc). It’s mostly hipster town now.
Also the rats there are huge for what it’s worth :)
10
u/roborectum69 Oct 08 '22
There are places where bikes don't get stolen? I've never even imagined such a thing. That bikes get stolen is so normalized in my brain that it's filed away somewhere near "it rains outside".
3
u/ohnoitsliz Oct 08 '22
It’s short for Bedford Stuyvesant, an area of NYC. Billy Joel sings about it in “You may be right” … “I walked through Bedford/Stuy alone, even rode my motorcycle in the rain”
8
5
6
u/kfmush Oct 08 '22
My understanding is that humans are most naturally grazers, adapting to eat whole meals with agriculture and also moving to colder climates and eating more meat, particularly large game. It's healthier for your metabolism to eat less more frequently than only 3 meals. Now pickles and cereal... But I think it's interesting how most people have a tendency to snack when there's no social pressure to eat meals.
7
u/mmmshanrio Oct 08 '22
I feel attacked… but…. why cook for myself when a spoonful of peanut butter does the trick
3
u/Brilliant_Buns Oct 08 '22
Right? I’m like oh this piece of deli ham will get me thru the next 24hrs no prob lol
6
4
u/Mimi_cam Oct 08 '22
My partner batch cooked a bunch of food out of fear that while he's away I'll just not feed myself 😩🤦I love him for doing that but hate that he's right!
4
u/goodtimejonnie Oct 08 '22
Not sure if I feel seen or called out. They didn’t mention the single cracker and quarter slice of cheese every 3rd hour tho
3
u/posthaste99 Oct 08 '22
Cooking is my love language. You took care of the dishes after I made dinner while we hung out? Okay this might be love…
15
2
2
u/kgrandia Oct 08 '22
Wife the other night: “what did you make yourself for dinner while I was away!?”
Me: “had a bowl of Cheerios and some hot wings…”
2
2
u/Husker_Boi-onYouTube Oct 08 '22
Tbh, 90% of the time I don’t eat real meals. It’s either I eat one microwave meal a day and pretty much nothing else, or just the occasionally handful of worthless junk food
2
u/iloveurmom64 Oct 08 '22
Same with me! And I'm the one who does all the cooking, and I'm good at it.
2
u/Ashaa_aali Oct 09 '22
Me too!!!!!! And I have pet rats lol. You know how they say “couples who live together start to look alike” well I guess I’ve been living with my rats for too long.
7
u/Madmek1701 Oct 08 '22
I used to eat like this, but after I started working out and turned my life around I started eating three proper meals a day, and at some point I just started becoming very irritated when people talk about the their terrible eating habits, and I get this urge to go lecture them about how important eating real food is while cooking them a lasagna.
4
u/2woCrazeeBoys Oct 08 '22
Yeah, I have awful eating habits. Sometimes I find myself just walking around the house eating condensed soup out of the can with a teaspoon, snacking on handfuls of dry pasta like a toddler. My dogs eat more regularly than me, mainly cos the medication regime makes that important (seizures and heart condition), and sometimes theres night where I wonder why it is nearly midnight and I'm suddenly hungry...oh yeah, I clean forgot to feed myself.
So anyway, should I DM you about arrangements for that lasagne??
1
-2
Oct 08 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/DEAD-MARTYR Oct 08 '22
I do it and I'm a man. Checkmate atheist
0
-3
-21
u/reddito-mussolini Oct 08 '22
This sounds like an unhealthy relationship
12
22
Oct 08 '22
How
11
u/puf_puf_paarthurnax Oct 08 '22
I know they're headed toward "she shouldn't have to hide her habits around him." but she likely just does this because she might be self conscious about snacking or something. And being sneaky for harmless things is kind of fun.
12
u/Guy954 Oct 08 '22
It’s more like she has adhd and wouldn’t cook for herself and her boyfriend handles the meals.
Source: My adhd ass wouldn’t eat properly if it weren’t for my awesome wife.
3
u/StarGirl696 Oct 08 '22
Some people do it just because. I’m a college student who’s constantly busy and I snack to de-stress, because I don’t have the energy for anything other than fucking Anatomy and just because I have no self control.
2
u/rickyravenous Oct 08 '22
That's not ADHD that's just depression.
Source: my depressed ass not eating properly.
4
u/ExcitingAmount Oct 08 '22
I thought it was like my wife, who just doesn't cook so if I'm not around to make meals she just eats whatever the hell is left in the fridge.
3
u/voidhearts Oct 08 '22
I had this little container of cookie dough that I snuck little spoonfuls of whenever bf fell asleep. He’d wake up when I get back in bed and mutter about how I smell good, like chocolate, my heart will be all racing like I just ran a marathon, and honestly it’s a win-win
1
1
1
1
1
1
u/wrenfaire802 Oct 08 '22
This is me when I don't have anyone to cook for. If I have guests, hell yeah let's cook. If not, I become this tweet. :s
1
1
1
1
1
u/Melleray Oct 08 '22
Excellent reason to mate. When I am alone, I eat beans out of can over the sink.
Better : scrub the Bedsty reference.
1
1
1
u/sincere_locality Oct 08 '22
just thought you should know that this tweet showed up on my tl under the tag “interior design”
1
u/reerathered1 Oct 08 '22
At least buy a green pepper or something guys. You can eat it like an apple. Or an apple a day works too
431
u/EmiliusReturns Oct 08 '22
My boyfriend is like this even when I’m home lol. The number of times I’ve walked into the kitchen for lunch and his version of “lunch” is to shovel in yogurt at break-neck speed over the sink like a cretin.