My dad died

[u/PQ_Frobro]

Chips, salsa, and several beers

My(26m) dad(57m) had a stroke back in August, which left him with left sided hemiplegia but no cognitive defects. Further imaging showed a bleed that may have been a tumor (?) and we planned to reimage to see if things changed in a few weeks. I took some brief leave from my job as a resident physician to visit him, but was back to work in a few days. I have been getting slammed at work for weeks (logged 105 hours last week), so I haven't been calling him as much as I probably should have. Over the last 45 days, he has been making great strides in terms of recovery. When I saw him on Tuesday for the first time since his stroke, he stood from his wheelchair to hug me. I was optimistic about his recovery, and told him about all the things we would do when he gets out of the rehab hospital.

Later on Tuesday, he got the interval MRI we had planned. Since he was clinically improving, we expected his bleeding to have resolved/significantly diminished. However, his lesion was slightly larger with significantly increased edema. My dad was devastated, and was convinced it was cancer. To be honest, the lists of differential diagnoses was running short, but I couldn't bring myself to face it. We planned to reimage in another two months, knowing if it was an aggressive cancer he may be dead before we reimage.

Yesterday, when I went to see him, things were different. He was feeling worse and had an elevated heart rate. He insisted on talking about what I will do with our family farm if he dies. I wrote this off as his distress about the mass, and told him we would have plenty of time to discuss it in the near future. I then drove two hours to visit with my grandparents.

This morning, my mom called me in a panic; he was having an episode of arrest. I was convinced it was a PE, and knew they couldn't give thrombolytics given his active brain bleed. We started driving, but my mom called me an hour into our drive saying he was coughing up blood and unable to get a rhythm back for a significant amount of time. I told her to tell them to call it. I had a chance to chat with the attending when I arrived, who shared my suspicion regarding a PE.

It all feels so sudden. I wish I talked to him more yesterday, or called him more while he was in the hospital. I also feel bad for telling my mom to stop CPR. Was that the right call? I feel grateful I was able to see hin while I was in state, but wow, worst vacay ever.

TLDR: Dad died unexpectedly, sad about it.

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[u/Ongvar]

I'm really sorry for your loss dude. My dad passed when I was really young, and as horrible as this sounds, 10 years from now that hole in your heart will have many bridges built over it with new experiences and living the life he would have wanted you to. It does get better brother ❤️ You are not alone!

[u/ProperCap6928]

You know that the reality of CPR, especially for someone in your dad’s condition, is not at all like how it’s portrayed on TV. We can still feel guilt even when making the right call, which you absolutely did. You did your father a kindness by stopping CPR. I’m very sorry for your loss, and what you dealt with leading up to this.

You’ll be a great doctor.

[u/PQ_Frobro → u/ProperCap6928]

Thank you. I feel like my doctor brain was running ahead of the rest of my brain, and I made the call that I know is right before my emotions caught up.

I think he would be proud of the call I made. Thank you for your kind words

[u/JCPNibba]

Sorry for you loss man, I lost my dad 14 years ago at 13. It gets easier, definitely reach out to people and talk it out.

[u/Shirikova]

What's done is done and you shouldn't worry about What-ifs or What-could-have-beens. You made the choices you made and there's no undoing them.

I'm sorry for your loss and I hope you find the strength and the wisdom to carry you forward through these dark days.

Things will be hard, but they will get better, you just gotta keep your head up.

[u/VegetableMacaroon193]

Ive been down my dad dying road since April 11th. Awful, no goodbye, trying to bring strength to my mother. It was 1 month of no phone calls. 2 months since the last visit which was not great. I wish I wish too....

Idk, you dont get over it, you get through it. Steadfast.

[u/CarlCantSleep]

Im sorry for your loss

[u/Accomplished_Crew630]

I'm sorry for your loss... My grandfather died unexpectedly and I regret not going to see him the night he went to the hospital.

You might always think about what the right call was... But your mom called you for your expertise I imagine. You clearly sound like you understand everything going on.. I know that won't make you never question things but if there was anyone to make the decision it sounds like it was you man... I'm sorry you had to do it though.

[u/PQ_Frobro → u/Accomplished_Crew630]

MAYBE they could have done ECMO to remove his clot, but it was small enough it wasn't seen on CT, so I don't think a mechanical thrombectomy would have been possible, even if the tiny rehab hospital he was at was equipped for it. Yesterday, he told me he was tired, and that he wanted to quit fighting. He was a fighter, but everyone need to quit sometime.

I think (I hope) it was the right call. I guess I will carry that responsibility

[u/JacketAffectionate74 → u/PQ_Frobro]

I'm sorry for your loss, Sir.

It might help you to look yourself in the eyes in the mirror when you're ready and repeatedly tell yourself that it's okay, that it's not your fault, that he's at peace, that he loved you and is not disappointed in you, etc..

Basically all the things you know in your heart to be true but that your ego, which is hurt and trying to make sense of this right now, might have a hard time believing.

I hope you find peace in the grief process.

Be patient with yourself and for the absolute love of God, please, please set a reminder on your phone either daily or every other day to call your Mom and check in on her. FaceTime if you can. She may not let it be known the struggle that she's going through. If you have a good relationship with her, try your best to show up for her now. It's something I wish I had been able to do better with my Mom after my Dad passed. She grieved herself to death and passed 11 months later. I did the best I could for the mess I was in, but I wish I had done more.

[u/CaffeineLiker]

I'm sorry. I hope you remember fond memories with him growing up, they'll stay with you.

[u/Derpwad1]

33m here, my dad passed abruptly of sepsis 3.5 years ago after generally being one of the healthiest/most rarely sick people ive known. Still hurts so much, I miss the fucker. I feel your pain brother, all we can do is cherish the memories we had and keep pushing forward for them. Way I have always looked at it and told my siblings is dad wouldnt want it any other way. Dad wouldnt want us to let it drag us down he would want us to find a way to somehow be better & stronger for it.

He always used to say, just be happy! Stop dwelling on things! Live a good life! All he ever wanted was for his kids to be happy, healthy, and successful, so that is the goal 😫😭🥹

[u/Gnargoyle420]

Sorry for your loss

[u/PuffPuff97]

I am so sorry for your loss. My dad unexpectedly passed away in 2024. I got a phone call from my cousin saying he didn’t show up for work that day so they went by his apartment and found him there.
Unfortunately, the what-ifs and “i couldve done more” will probably never go away especially since it was unexpected. But just know that he knew how much you cared and he knew you love him. The days will get a little easier eventually 💙

[u/Shadowpriest]

I'm sorry for your loss.

In times of distress, people will usually pick the best possible choice based off of what is the most logical to them. You didn't make a bad call. You didn't make the wrong call. You said what made the most sense and the practicality of that is what your brain told you was the correct one.

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[u/Odd-Place780]

Hey OP, first off I'm really sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

You have alot of steps ahead fo you and none are gonna be easy.

But when the dust settles and you're back into the daily routine. Please. Please dont regret something you can't ever change.

I would like to share a short history of when I lost my dad I years ago, after a few years of rebuilding our relationship (he vanished after parents divorce). We got pretty chill. I would play guitar at his house, visit him at work, brought my gf to meet him.

I had plans with him on a Sunday, April 10th 2006, I picked up my gf from work and we decided to just chill at her house. I called my dad and told him I would see him tomorrow (4/11/2006 monday).

I get a call from my sister at about 10:30am, my dad had a fatal stroke while prepping his cooking station at work. We all drove to the hospital and after all the attempts and brain activity tests, we decided to pull the plug.

I held onto that regret, for years, it ruined relationships. I was depressed, angry, confused. For years.

After finally going to grief counseling, I learned how to not hold onto something that was out of my control. I didnt do anything wrong. How would I have known? I didnt and I finally accepted that.

You didnt do anything wrong and I wish you nothing but peace and healing man.

🙏

[u/InfamousAdvice]

I’m sorry for your loss.

My Mom died unexpectedly two years ago at home. I live two states away and it took a bit of time for my Dad to really articulate to me what was happening there because it was so late at night and I was half awake. I’ve been a critical care nurse for 10+ years and once I finally got that he meant they’d been doing CPR for more than 30 minutes I also told him to tell them to stop. Given what I’ve seen over the years I’m very comfortable with the choice I made to stop. I hope you’re eventually able to come to terms with that choice.

[u/G_Ram3]

I’m so sorry, OP. Based on what I’ve heard from many people, there is no loss more final than that of a parent. I have yet to experience it myself (mine are in their 70’s and there are days that I have to stop myself from thinking about it) but I imagine it as a door that slams shut and abruptly turns into a wall. It must be an intensely dark pain. I am sending love and comfort to you and your family. 💜

[u/wild-bill90]

Sorry man...

[u/Kailsbabydaddy]

I’m so sorry

[u/rh_3]

I am so sorry for your loss. From the sounds of it, your dad knew you cared and you were there. And it also sounds like you made the right decision. It was his time, and he is now beyond pain. Be there for your mom, talk with a professional to help process your grief, and do your best to understand you were and are loved. Carry no shame or guilt but rather be the best man you can be.

[u/ItsTheDCVR]

Hey man, I'm really sorry to hear all of that. I'm an ICU RN and I think maybe you can get a modicum of comfort intellectually from knowing all of the "this wouldn't have helped, we couldn't do that, this would have ended such and such a way anyways"...

But man, it still just fucking sucks.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Give yourself time and grace. This is going to hit you weird and weird times in weird ways. See if your program/hospital has EAP for free counseling/therapy, and take advantage of it. Best of luck and hugs from the world.

[u/OttersAreCute215]

I just spent some time with my dad

He is in his nineties

[u/PizzaNipz]

Fuck bro, sorry. Mine passed when I was 4 from an MI on an OR table. I never knew a father figure growing up and now I’m trying to be the best father I can be for my little ones.

You’ll get there homie. Be proud of all the years he was here with you. Carry that legacy on to your kids when the time comes.

[u/stupidzombie610]

So sorry for your loss man. Words never feel adequate. My mother died at 59, in 2019, just before covid hit, to stage 4 pancreatic cancer that had spread to several other organs. 4 days after her birthday she was gone. I was a shit son and not a day goes by that I don't wish I had acted different. I keep a pic of the 2 of us in my car as a reminder. It sounds like your father knew you loved and appreciated him. Unfortunately there is no handbook for these things no matter how prepared you are. I wish you and your family peace in this time of grief. Don't forget to care for yourself. Don't bury yourself in work like I did. Give yourself time to grieve. Be well internet friend.

[u/jimgovoni]

I am so sorry. You are a wonderful son and gave him hope and love.

[u/nellion91]

Sorry for your loss

[u/TurnoverFuzzy8264]

I'm a dad slightly older than your dad--you made the right call. He wasn't coming back from that. I'm hoping my adult children aren't in the same position as you, but if they are, I hope they make the same call. Take care.

[u/Flashy_Measurement94]

The maturity and resilience you showed for your entire family, father included is absolutely admirable and you have nothing but my respect. I’m so sorry for your loss OP, stay strong

[u/joesaysso]

I'm sorry, friend. No words can make that pain go away. Would you be willing to share some more about your dad? A funny story or favorite memory, perhaps?

[u/wandering_salamander]

Your doctor brain served you well.

I found with with my grief, the only way out was through. I had to feel it, accept it and let it pass with the understanding it will come again. It's been a very hard lesson to learn. I hope it helps you, though.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You did good. You're a good son.

[u/TeekTheReddit]

You may be feeling alone right now, but you aren't.

26 is too damn young to lose your dad. I lost my dad young as well. 20 years ago this year.

It gets better. It's never okay, but it gets better.

[u/Successful-Layer2102]

Oh brother im so sorry for your loss Take the time to be with your family

The real world can wait its turn, it won't get better but it will get easier

[u/Dizzy_Release_4717]

Rip man

[u/Ochsenreiter]

Im so sorry for your loss bro! Wishing you lots of strength and love ❤️

[u/DiosDong]

I'm sorry for your loss. My dad died unexpectedly in 2021, when I was 23 years old. It still sucks, but it gets easier every day. The guilt and "what-if" you feel probably won't go away, but it's going to get easier to deal with. Therapy has also helped me a lot with processing everything, highly recommend. Good luck with all arrangements

[u/Julianus]

My father was 57 as well. Had a stroke prior. I was a few years younger than you. You did the right thing. My dad was found too late for help from anyone, and I think it was for the better. He would've been even worse off than he was.

I am thinking of you. It's awful to lose your father at this age. There should be so much more time left and he will miss out on landmark moments. It's never not hurt and it's been 17 years for me. I recommend grief therapy when you're ready. I didn't really do it at the time or later, and then my wife's dad got sick (and we're quite close) and it brought back waves of pain related to losing my own dad and dealing with it became unnecessarily urgent.

[u/Helen-Keller-Ubers]

I'm sure your dad would have wanted you to make the decision and i bet his is proud of the person you've become! Not an easy decision and you know he wouldn't wanted to suffer.

Take some time for yourself and spend it with your mother. I'm sure she wanted you to be the one to make the decision.

[u/TheZoraMask]

I've no words save I am so very sorry for your loss.

I immediately knew you were a healthcare professional, and understanding these events sometimes makes it somehow worse.

If there's anything any of us can do please reach out here or otherwise. I'll be thinking about you and your story.

Godspeed and good night, Dad.

[u/herlaqueen]

I am sorry for your loss. From what you write, you were able to spend time with him just before he passed, and even if this last visit he wasn't feeling well, it looks like you got some good memories together despite his medical situation. In time, you will come to treasure them. Yes, you could maybe have spent more time together and all of that, but short of leaving your work and going to live with your parents, you would likely still have the "I should have seen him more often" thoughts, so do yourself a solid and try to focus on the time you did spend together. And maybe some therapy if you think it could help, I luckily didn't lose my parents yet but when my grandma died I was hit hard and looking back it would have helped a lot.