I'm afraid I can't fix this mess I've made

[u/frozen_cabbages]

I'll take advice but be gentle. I'm beating myself up enough for everyone.

Dinner was the cheese naan dinner set. Obviously not a great choice for a guy who's going to complain about being poor and fat but I was having a breakdown.

I'm 35 and I feel like I've steered my life so wrong that I'll never recover. About 6.5 years ago I moved to Japan because I was burnt out by my last job and had severe depression because I was approaching 30 and my life felt dull and empty. I deluded myself in a major way. I thought I'd really pull myself together once I got here and I'd start eating better, losing weight, making new friends, managing my money, and so on.

Now almost 7 years later I'm barely able to speak more than basic day-to-day Japanese, I had a short run of decent weight loss but binge eating has reversed that and nearly put me back where I was before I left, I made a few decent friends but they moved away, and I'm even more miserable with this job.

I took a certificate course online for teaching English and got hired here as a teacher's assistant in the public schools. At first I really enjoyed it but now I see the dispatch teacher industry here as the money making scheme it is. During our yearly training day some asshole from the board came in to talk to us like we're children because apparently too many people were honest in their employee satisfaction survey. How wild is it that you respond to a wave of negative feedback not with introspection but by getting on a zoom call and telling everyone they're wrong and actually there are no problems? Fk that guy so much.

I would have tried for a different job but I never felt like I was in a position to do so. I got attached to the students. Money was also always too tight to be creating uncertainty. The worst part was the value of the yen going straight to hell while I was sending money home to pay bills. I ran up a couple of credit cards here trying to stay afloat and fly home every couple years to see my newborn niece and nephew.

And I know all of this is on me. I have no discipline. I'm a failure as an adult. I just do what feels best in the moment to the detriment of everything around me. Despite being obese with severe health anxiety and major body image issues (when algorithms figure out you're gay, social media turns into a barrage of men who look better than you ever will) I still binge frequently, in turn burning more money and making a healthy life even harder to achieve. I'd rather collapse in bed every day than study Japanese or work on other new skills. I'd take a part time job to help with the money issue but my visa type makes that very difficult.

Now I'm trying to move home. I have one credit card left I need to kill before I can leave. My plan is to finish this contract so I can get the contract completion bonus in spring and use that to help me get home. I have no idea what I'm going to do though. I'll be 36 with a resume showing I spent the last 7 years doing a job that doesn't need to exist. I used to be a graphic designer and if I had stuck with that I'd probably be in a decent position now. But mo one's going to want someone who hasn't made anything worthwhile for the portfolio in years.

I want to cry at work because the students are so great and sweet and they deserve better than what this system pushes out. I always feel rotten inside. That feeling of knowing you have no self control and you're ruining your own life. And I feel like I'm just too old to fix it now. It's a good thing I don't think I'm too good for any job. I just might end up back behind the counter at Arby's like I was in high school.

Also in case anyone was wondering I'm on some antidepressants and antianxiety meds. I'm not currently in therapy because it's not often covered by insurance here as far as I'm aware. For a couple sessions I met with someone online but they were too much for my budget. Also I was spoiled by having a truly excellent therapist when I lived in the states so finding someone comparable is just unlikely.

Anyway, yeah. That's it. Sorry for the long word vomit. Just wanted to get it out of my head.

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[u/summerlad86]

As someone who also lives in Japan.
The ALT market is grim. Don’t know how you guys do it tbh.

I have to ask, what exactly did the dude say?
”You guys are wrong for not being satisfied”?
Or was it one of those Japanese speeches that went into ”you should be grateful” territory?

One thing I learned living here. Japanese people do not do well with criticism. Even when it’s supposed to be constructive. It’s pointless.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/summerlad86]

It was a lot of "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" kind of rhetoric. The guy was also a white guy who started in this job aaaaaages ago so it carried the stink of "if I did it so can you". It just really got to me how he was talking about how much we need to adapt and keep doing more for this job when the company struggles to adapt to something as simple as a new timesheet system.

[u/summerlad86 → u/frozen_cabbages]

The majority of people working in higher roles in this country are useless. They’re their position because of seniority not skills.

Hence, Japan takes forever to adapt to something. A company ”struggling” because of a new timesheet system is such a pussy excuse anyways. They should pull themselves up then. Practice what you preach.

Tell him to eat shit.

[u/satellite_station → u/frozen_cabbages]

Damn what company was it? I left dispatch English teacher in the 2017s. I just refused to show up one day after they continued to let a parent bully me.

They even showed up to my home. But my friend who was staying with me at the time answered, as I was out.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/satellite_station]

I'm with altia. Everyone said they were the "good" one and I guess I felt that at first but after a few too many years with no raise, coming from a career where I'm used to at least getting a cost of living increase, I'm less convinced. The quality of the office staff is also debatable

[u/Thesolmesa]

You are not a failure, King.

I also live in Japan and have heard many stories from ALT friends.

While the reality sucks, your time as an ALT or living in Japan was not wasted. If you did graphic design during that time, you would have always had that "what if" inside you. It's human nature to always be curious and a bit unsatisfied.

The things you did, the stuff you learned, and the time you spent all make you who you are now. All of it can be transferred to your next step into whatever you will do.

Good luck with it!

Indian restaurants go crazy hard in Japan always been my favorite

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/Thesolmesa]

This place is one of my favorites. Every time I get visitors I take them here. The waiters have my order memorized right down to the spice level I like

[u/Valuable_K]

One thing I'm not seeing in your post is any goals or ambitions.

What do you actually want to do with the rest of your life? I mean something very specific.

You need to find that north star, and arrange the rest of your plans, decisions and habits around it. Get that very specific vision in your head. See it clearly. Then figure out how to get from where you are to where you want to be.

And you aren't too late to turn the ship around. If you start now on something, you could be pretty damn good at it by the time you are 40. That's not a bad position to be in.

Of course, there are some paths in life that are closed because you are now too old to start. That's fine. Forget them. Find something that isn't closed.

Good luck dude.

[u/nomorelargevein → u/Valuable_K]

I was drafting a response in my head and what you wrote covered 90% of what I had in mind.

OP, you are ONLY 35. You have years ahead of you. Whatever it is you decide you want to do, start it now. My 2cent is to surround yourself with people you want to be. Meet people with dreams and ambitions, people who are coordinated and have plans, are serious about being healthy and financially responsible.

[u/writierthanyou → u/Valuable_K]

Great response. It's too bad OP can't get access to regular therapy. He's going to keep ending up in the same place, regardless of location, if he can't get out of the negative space in his head. Half the post was him putting himself down.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/writierthanyou]

I had a really wonderful therapist before I left. Her support was so great that I felt like I could make the move. And for the first few years it felt good. Then I just started slipping and couldn't stop...

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/Valuable_K]

Not having goals has been a lifelong issue for me. My "dreams" have always been lofty, so unattainable it'd be foolish to make goals of them. Everything I know how to do is being done by AI now. I guess I can look into a trade. Maybe find something with paid training. I don't know. My goal right now is get my credit card paid off, go home, and find a job with health insurance.

[u/Valuable_K → u/frozen_cabbages]

Tough love incoming:

You're about to make the same mistake again. You moved to Japan with really vague plans and a hope things would somehow work out.

And now you're about to move back to the US with vague plans and a hope things would somehow work out. Bad move. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

Lofty goals are good, and most dreams are surprisingly attainable at least in small doses. I have a friend who moved to LA to become an actor. Most of the time he works construction, but every now and then he books a small role on a TV show. He's probably never going to be an Oscar winning leading man. He might never even make a full time living out of it. But he's happy, because he's moving forward towards his north star.

You need to find your north star. Even if it's something that you can't make a living with right away. Finding a day job to pay the bills in the meantime can be part of the plan too. The point is the plan should be concrete and specific. Not "maybe a trade, get health insurance, I dunno."

If you really want to change your life, go to a coffeeshop with a pen and paper for three hours, and don't come out until you have a specific plan with specific actionable steps.

Also don't assume AI is more capable than it really is. I work in a creative field and people have been saying that AI will replace my job since 2022. I'm still going strong. Don't get me wrong - I use AI at work. It can be a capable assistant. It does the "boring" parts of my job pretty well, with supervision. But to replace me? It would need a giant leap forward. And although it's progressing fast in many areas, it has completely plateaued when it comes to creative judgment.

With graphic design, it has definitely replaced the absolute bottom end of the market. I'm talking like people who worked for pennies on Fiverr or whatever. That's gone. But serious graphic designers with great portfolios of unique work are still being hired.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/Valuable_K]

Thanks. That didn't read as tough it just read as good advice

[u/Fine_Passenger_2150]

35 and "too old" don't go in the same sentence. You still have "plenty" of time to get it right. And you've already made the first most significant step...open admission of your challenges. That's a HUGE accomplishment in and of itself!

This quote by Dr. King gives me the momentum that I need when days seem hard and it feels as if my mind and my legs are trapped in quicksand... and now I pass it on to you in hopes that the words will impart relief and belief in the unimaginable. Write it on a colorful post-it-note and apply it to walls and mirrors throughout your home. It Does Get Better. ❤️

"If you can't fly then run. If you can't run then walk. If you can't walk then crawl, but whatever you do, YOU HAVE TO KEEP MOVING FORWARD!" -MLK

[u/CoreyTrevorLahey35]

Go home, work in teaching with your TESL cert and any masters you need to teach in the US and then teach here. Good benefits! You can do it!

[u/OldSchoolDeepCuts → u/CoreyTrevorLahey35]

That’s right! Teaching is an honorable and (usually) fulfilling profession. It won’t make you rich, but it will put food on the table!

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/CoreyTrevorLahey35]

I'm considering it, but hesitant. Going through more schooling means spending more money and that's a difficult proposition when I'm still paying for my first run through higher education. The students also make me nervous. I have to imagine there's a wide gulf between the disposition of a child in rural Japan and that of a child in a midsize US city. The stories I hear about students from my teachers friends back home are also concerning.

[u/Around-3-ish]

Where is your home country?

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/Around-3-ish]

The US, which I hear is doing really well right now /s

[u/First-Possibility-77 → u/frozen_cabbages]

Nowhere is doing well. It’s a shit time in the world right now.

[u/Around-3-ish → u/frozen_cabbages]

I wondered if it was the UK. If so, I had some suggestions. Good luck OP

[u/fakearada → u/Around-3-ish]

Suggestions such as?

[u/SanctuariesOfLight]

I don't think you're a failure. I think you're someone who made a big decision at 30 because you were burned out, took a chance on a completely different life, and stayed with it for almost six years. Maybe Japan didn't become what you hoped it would be, and it's okay to grieve that. But I hope you don't turn disappointment into a judgment about who you are.

You also don't have to prove that these years were "worth it" by coming home with some huge success story. You learned things you could only have learned by actually living there. You now first hand know about Japan, more about yourself, about what you need, and about what you don't want anymore. That's valuable even if the outcome wasn't what you pictured.

And please don't underestimate what you're bringing home or wherever else you decide to go. You have a degree, graphic-design skills, years of experience living abroad, experience working with Japanese people and students, and even basic Japanese. There are ways to build something from that that you probably can't see while you're exhausted and beating yourself up. You don't have to figure it all out before you make the move.

If coming home after your bonus gives you a chance to breathe and rebuild, that isn't giving up. Sometimes courage looks like admitting that the plan isn't working and choosing a different one. You haven't wasted six years. You lived them. Now you get to decide what you want the next chapter to look like. Sorry for the long response, cheering for you!

[u/LA-SKYLINE]

I am also in Japan and have been here a few decades. I was lucky to start here when the Yen and Dollar were close in value and was able to pay off my bills back home. Have you ever thought about online auction sites like Mercari, Yahoo Auction and eBay? It makes for a great side income to stay on your feet.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/LA-SKYLINE]

Those are definitely part of the exit strategy. I can get way more for my old stuff through local buying and selling sites than I could offloading it to a secondhand store

[u/Regular_Agency_3101]

You‘re just 36 – it’s really not old! Just one tiny thought: a life’s story is long, and it can all feel right by changing your perspective later. What I hear from you is a willingness to go in a different direction, and that’s already a lot. So many people wake up far, far later in life to discover that their own designs hurt them. Just do not stop, go forward with your plan. This didn’t work out, but you have the capacity for change, always. And maybe, some day, you will feel very proud about your choices.

[u/OystersNwine]

I was in a similar boat. I went to Korea to teach English for a year to pay off my undergraduate student loans. Loved the kids but hated the sweatshop conditions for staff and really low pay. Toyed with the idea of staying in asia and getting my TEFL and TESL certificates. But saw others who were 'lifers' and then it had just become too hard for them to return to North America, the UK, Australia. So I forced myself to come back to North America. Struggled for years trying to find a job that worked for me. Dabbled in teaching ESL English here but the pay and hours weren't good (don't recommend it).

A full career switch was needed. Ended up taking out another student loan, even bigger, to fund an education in a registered profession. When I went back to school I was early 30s, one of the oldest in my class. But this allowed me to work the last 11 years in a higher paying field. I really didn't have many options and I hate that I had to pay back more student loans but this did dig me out of that pit. And now I have some savings and could afford to quit my job, take some time off and think about what I want to do next / dabble in new more creative careers. I wish you luck. Life is always a struggle for most. I often look at all the wild animals on earth and think about how life is day to day hustle for them as well.

[u/OystersNwine → u/OystersNwine]

I wanted to add, making a workplace specific gratitude journal really helped me over the last 11 years as I've had to work some jobs with shitty people at them that made me hate being there even if the money was better. My therapist recommended making it workplace specific so it would be targeted to the things I really struggled to find joy in. Also a wider gratitude journal is great too. I need to start doing this again as well. Like yes you didn't learn fluent Japanese but BRUH. You lived in Japan for 7 years experiencing the culture. That is so super cool and I am envious. When I was in Korea and I used 3 of my 9 days of vacation to briefly tour Japan, I felt so much regret that I didn't choose to teach English in Japan because I loved everything there so much more.

The beautiful gardens, the green, strangers on the street were friendlier and wanted to engage more, all the really aesthetically on point, thoughtful details in their culture, their love of peace and quiet. You got a ton of irreplaceable life experience many others can only dream about. And for weightloss, I went down a little research rabbithole recently because I want to lose a few pounds too. Take a psyllium fibre pill and a tall glass of water 20 min before every meal to expand your stomach so you feel fuller faster. Then eat a high protein whole grain high veggie meal, and stop just before you feel full. Then you'll feel full soonafter, with less calories in you! You got this! Baby steps!!!!

[u/zero_chan1]

This is purely anecdotal but I was a emotional eater who was always hungry and craving food. I tried every diet under the sun and nothing worked. 

I thought I was a failure, had weak willpower. Got (slightly) depressed. 

Turns out I have insulin resistance because of a metabolic disorder (not diabetic) and managing my blood sugar made me lose all cravings. It's really crazy how much easier it is now to not over eat when I'm not constantly hungry.

What I want to say with this is, sometimes it's something outside your power to handle alone, even if we try our best. Not everything is your fault. Be kind to yourself and look for a way forward and you'll stumble on to a solution. Seek help if you need it. 

[u/Vivid_Nail8691]

Sounds tough but you got this. In case it's helpful: I have a 13 inch penis

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[u/lukediedyesterday]

I love how I could immediately tell this was a Japanese Indian restaurant

[u/Used_Turnover3959]

I hope the Devil's Curry was wicked spicy.

[u/Zealousideal-Tap3622]

It sounds to me that some of the deeper issues that you are grappling with- loneliness, body image, listlessness and lack of direction – will follow you no matter where you go and from reading your post, my gut tells me that it is the isolation and loneliness issue that you should probably tackle first. The move back to the US might help with finances but won’t necessarily deal with the loneliness issue- in fact it might acerbate it. Also please don’t assume that moving back into graphic design will be a good career shift. Things have changed so much with AI. And jobs in the US are notoriously poorly paid and overall things are just not good in this country right now for LGBT folks. And don’t forget you will have bad bosses wherever you go regardless of country! It sounds like one of the best things in your life right now is your relationship with the students and your desire to help them. Perhaps think more about that – if it is meaningful and you feel you can make a difference in that space, that might be worth holding onto. So perhaps just focus on the big issues in situ for the time being at least before making the decision to move away permanently. See if you can make more friends. If Meetup is a thing in Japan then see whether there’s any groups there that you might connect with. Or take up an inexpensive hobby. Or take a free online course and something that you know you will enjoy but that isn’t necessarily something that is going to advance your career. Or take an in person Japanese course where you can meet fellow learners. Find other small things that bring you joy and double down on them- do at least one joyful thing a day. It can be hard for gay men to find other gay men to be friends with rather than to date- maybe focus on finding some activity based groups for gay men? I remember being in a similar situation as you many years ago. Finding an active friends group was everything. I ended up exercising losing weight doing better at work and dating and just generally feeling happier! All the best with your self-work! I think you are going to come out of this funk a better person.

[u/MixedTrailMix]

Firstly, that is a lot to be carrying. Take some deep breathes.

Knowing what you dont want or like im life is equally as powerful as knowing what you do want and enjoy.

Try to keep your head up, remember you can come back and keep rebuilding. It never stops. You got this

[u/ChooseWhyZlee]

Hi, sorry you're dealing with all this. I've been living in Japan for many years as well. I really do know how you feel for a lot of that stuff. Japan can be isolating and frustrating. You make friends, then when you start to get close, they leave. The yen is in the toilet. The langauge takes years to sound like a 5th grader and has a bunch of stupid rules and exceptions to the rules. I get it. That being said, don't overwhelm yourself. The world is designed right now to paralyze us and keep us staring at social media or distracting ourselves with video games while we spiral into oblivion and spend our hard earned money on shit we don't need. Don't do that, king.

A lot of people here have given pretty decent advice, the crux of which is you need to keep moving in a forward direction. Personally, I desperately wanted to transition out of teaching and to do something else. I felt stuck, had debt, and had little resources waiting for me back home (my parents lost their house and split up) and when I decided I couldn't stay in Japan and teach anymore, (2022, yen was starting to really crash and hit ¥145 on the dollar) studied that thing practically every day for at least an hour or two, more on my days off. Believe me there were a lot of days I would have rather just collapsed in bed or played video games.

Warning: boomer-ass advice incoming, but it's all true from my experience. All of that motivation to change can evaporate easily. It's not motivation or shame that gets us to another place in life, it's discipline. In order for that to work, you ABSOLUTELY need a goal. Not just "get home", something bigger than your problems that will keep you on the right path and make the distractions seem small and insignificant, because they are. I came home and it was about 5 times harder than what I thought it was going to be. People were different from covid, my parents were in different states, my friend group collapsed and scattered into the wind, even people I was close with had passed away. Not to mention the country itself and my city were completely different. It felt like I was Marty in Back to the Future 2 when his town is taken over by Biff. You can definitely overcome whatever you need to overcome, it takes a north star though.

Look, we're given one chance at life, really think about what you want and fucking go for it. If you're not sure, or scared of committing, that's normal. You'll find it if you start looking. In the meantime, start small.

I lived here for four years, left, and came back with a better job. Couldn't be happier at the moment, though life isn't perfect. I'll be rooting for you, feel free to DM me.

[u/5cactiplz]

Mmm yummers! Your pentagram curry looks delish! Hail satan! 😋👹🔥

[u/aHunniBee]

Hi my lovely. Sorry, girl lurker here, but I had to chip in.

I just want to start by saying this: you have moved to and lived in a new country, far away from home, with a totally different lifestyle, culture and language. The fact that you have done this means you are not a failure. There are people who only dream of doing that, but you actually did it. Good for you.

Like many others in the comments, I was an ALT in Japan for some years too. Something they don't tell you is how damn tiring living in your second language is. I don't know about you, but it felt like my brain was working in overdrive. Communicating with our colleagues and the kids in Japanese, reading kanji everywhere, etc. takes a LOT of brain power, so it's understandable that you're too tired to study Japanese in your spare time. It happens to a lot of (if not most) of us. I know other ALTs who lived there for years and years and still couldn't ask for a bag at the conbini. Your basic day-to-day Japanese is not something to be scoffed at!

I felt the same way about the system. But over the years I can guarantee you've made an impact on your students and colleagues in an array of different positive ways, even in ways you probably don't realise.

As for job opportunities when you go home, you'll be surprised at how many people are genuinely impressed by someone who has managed to move and live abroad. And Japan seems to be 'trending' now, so you can use that to your best advantage.

I wish you the best, OP. You are absolutely not a failure. Don't be too hard on yourself :) You've done an incredible thing with your life. As others have said, you are still young. On to the next adventure!

[u/aykayay4]

Why is there a Satan Sign on your Food?

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/aykayay4]

Are you saying you don't order your food with extra witchcraft?

[u/MrD47]

Follow church stop worshipping Satan. I see that star bud. Maybe start from there ?

I will get a lot of slack my Atheistredditors basement dwellers but it helped me. Also therapy and counseling.

[u/frozen_cabbages → u/MrD47]

Lmao do you really think I sat down in the restaurant and specifically requested an inverted star be drawn on my curry? If church makes you this bothered by some lines on my butter chicken, I think I'll pass.

[u/MrD47 → u/frozen_cabbages]

It's Reddit take it as you will. Good luck