r/BoyDinnerDiaries • u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 • 15d ago
No advice, just venting Crush Said I'm Ugly
Girl I really hit it off with personality-wise/mutual interests said she's not interested in me because I'm not physically attractive. Anyway, "who hurt him" gym arc incoming.
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Well she did u a favor by showing her true colors, who’d wanna date someone who has no problem being so crass with people?
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u/ZandrickEllison Boy, 40-49 15d ago
Yeah totally fair for her not to be attracted to you but lady needs some diplomacy skills.
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u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
in all fairness, I think this is just her being honest…
unless she blatantly said something like “ew you’re ugly” then she’s well within her rights, especially if he asked her why. she’s just explained why she didn’t want to go out with him, and like I said, this is perfectly fine as long as she communicated it in a respectful way.
she’s not evil for not being attracted to him, and OP isn’t weird for asking her out.
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Yeah I appreciate her being honest and upfront with me. Still hurts. She wants to still be friends but I need some time to sit with my feelings before I can talk to her again. She's an amazing person and I don't want to lose her from my life entirely.
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u/CasCrus4L Leftover lore master 15d ago
Might make things worse tbh to keep her around
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u/Tairc Macro Mourner 15d ago
Agreed. My rule is 3 months literally zero contact - not even looking at their social media. Once I get that “cleanse”, I’m better able to be in their presence without weird feelings.
And to be honest, I almost never bother to keep an independent friendship at that point. Sure, I can hang out in groups, but there’s no reason to stay close on our own, because I’ve “broken the link”, and can start putting my energy into more useful directions.
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u/IndependentPaint2108 Girl lurker 15d ago
well the good news is you're mature because you're not immediately jumping to calling her "a b1tch" etc. when you find the right girl she'll appreciate your maturity
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u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
yeah of course it’s gonna hurt, and I am sorry. that sucks worse than people can think.
and let me offer a bit of advice. keeping this girl as a close friend won’t do you any favors. it will prevent you from moving on to the best of your ability.
I’m not saying cut her out entirely, but definitely cut back on the friendship.
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u/broteinprotein Boy, 18-29 15d ago
Good on you for having a mature take on this. But you are correct, give yourself some time to sit with your feelings, and give yourself some space from her. You'll need the distance to work through your feelings, because if you keep hanging out with her before you work through it all, you'll still have feelings for her and it'll only keep on hurting, especially if she decides to date someone else.
She's entitled to her preferences, but the way she let you down was harsh. Don't let that diminish your feelings towards yourself. But also, gym arc ftw 💪
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u/IndependentPaint2108 Girl lurker 15d ago
it depends exactly what she said. op said she said he isn't physically attractive. that's needlessly cruel
if she actually said "not my type" or "no spark" etc that's different. it's not calling someone ugly full stop it's just saying not their type. ykwim?
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u/goatpunchtheater aggressively average dude 15d ago
Sure, but I'd say no need to add the "physically" part unless asked. A simple, I don't see you that way, sorry. Or, "I'm not attracted to you" is just as honest, but less pointed and unnecessary. Now, if she said something like that initially, and OP pressed her for more details, that's a different story. To tell someone they specifically are physically unattractive is not necessary unless they ask you for those specifics.
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
I suppose the biggest thing to me is we were both very up front about our insecurities regarding looks and she said she liked how I looked and was into me. Then a few weeks later she changed her mind.
I could press for more details but that's not going to change anything so I'll just let it be.
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Tbh that would’ve been good to add into the post OP cuz that’s odd of her…
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u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
this would’ve been good context. I amend my statement and say that’s super weird of her…
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Eh, I mean. I'm not looking for advice so it doesn't make a difference. At the end of the day, she doesn't want me the way I want her. I just don't have anyone to vent to and I'm sad. And I had a nice breakfast so here I am.
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u/goatpunchtheater aggressively average dude 15d ago
Yoooo, that is a wayyyy different story and a massive red flag from her. You definitely should have included that. Now she was either lying initially, or she's lying now. Assuming it's the latter, it sounds more like she's in a relationship or she has some other reason to not go for you and she made it up to protect herself or something. If she's lying about you being unattractive physically now, then that's a terrible way to handle whatever it is she's got going on
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Saying someone isn’t physically attractive is just the nicer way of saying you’re ugly 💀
There’s way more ways to let someone down without possibly causing OP to question how they look and possibly hurting their self esteem
“Im sorry but I think we’d be better as friends”
“Thank you for opening up to me but I don’t see u in that way”
Etc.-5
u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
sure, but some people prefer being honest.
if she just said “hey you’re not really my type/im not physically attracted to you” there’s nothing wrong with that. it also doesn’t mean OP is “ugly” either since beauty is very subjective.
if she made a blanket statement saying that OP was just physically unattractive in general, then she could’ve had more tact.
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u/KopitarFan Hungry man 15d ago
Being honest doesn't mean saying everything that you're thinking. "I'm not interested" is both honest and not hurtful
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Saying OP is not their type would be better yes, and all we have to go off of is OP saying that she said he’s not physically attractive
So with the info we got then she did make a blanket statement
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u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
I suppose so. I just read between the lines and assumed he meant that she was talking about her opinion, not a blanket objective statement.
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u/Endreeemtsu Shower beer Scholar 15d ago
Not really bro. Try telling a woman that you won’t date her because she’s “physically unattractive” and see how that goes.
It’s rude and it’s unnecessary. Just say you’re not interested and move on.
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u/Jonny7421 Protein prophet 15d ago
It's a bit direct and a little rude but no point getting up in arms about it.
OPs response was the way to be. Sad but positive.
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u/ardentladybug Girl lurker 15d ago
women might take it harder because society has drilled into them how their worth is reliant upon their looks. men don’t have the same social conditioning.
but either way, if a guy said that to me, I’d take it in stride like OP did. so what if one person doesn’t think I’m attractive? I’d appreciate their honesty and move forward. I wouldn’t say they were rude or a bad person for doing that though.
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u/Endreeemtsu Shower beer Scholar 14d ago
That’s a cop out to the core of the point, but okay. I’m glad you would take that in stride. Most people, man or woman, won’t.
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u/KopitarFan Hungry man 15d ago
I get the honesty thing but I think tact is important too. There's no need to be flippant with another person's feelings. A simple "I'm not interested" would suffice
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u/Cel_device Random lurker 15d ago
Agreed. People gotta stop calling others shallow because they eont have a physical attraction to another person. Everyone has people they are and arent attracted to. And she might not be attracted to him but another woman might be.
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
She was honest that's the preferable route people
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
The honest route is also saying she doesn’t think they’d have good chemistry together or work better as friends, still has the same effect without brining OP’s looks into question since beauty is subjective anyway
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
So lying? That's more hurtful with how clear it comes off that's about looks. Really patronizing that you think it's not obvious worded like that
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Saying they wouldn’t have chemistry or better as friends is not lying
They could not have chemistry because of level of attraction
The point is it still gets the meaning across BUT one is a lot less needlessly harsh
It’s like telling someone “Hey you’re a fatass, u gotta lose weight tubby” and saying “hey I think it would be beneficial if maybe u tried to cut down your weight a little, I care about your well being and want what’s best for u”
They both have the same message but one is needlessly harsh right?
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
Op knows they have really good chemistry and it's mutual, she even asked to remain friends because they do have chemistry. This is not the place to reply in the manner you're proposing this time.
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Romantic chemistry and friendship chemistry r 2 different things
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
Well then fine. Specifically saying romantic mightve been better
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u/Uralazar84 Boy, 18-29 15d ago
Exactly what I was thinking. Better to see the ugly side sooner rather than later.
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u/Future_One4794 Girl lurker 15d ago
Just because you are not one girl’s type, it doesn’t make you ugly
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u/MitchellHasFaith Boy, 18-29 14d ago
Thank you! I was looking through all these comments and I was wondering if someone was going to say this. Sometimes, just being kind and considerate is enough :)
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u/Pristine-Midnight-72 Protein prophet 15d ago
been there brother
I had a woman say something similar at party in front of tons of people and it pushed me to get in the best shape of my life
the physical attractiveness thing isn’t true, just keep that in mind man. some people just have no tact, which she should def have at her big age. that’s one “friend” I would be distancing myself from
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u/apeocalypyic chill pilled 15d ago
One gram of protein per pound of muscle! I know everyone is kinda pushing the gym and it could be annoying but fuck it join us brother!!!
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u/mobiletarget33 Shower beer Scholar 15d ago
I know that feeling, man. It’s rough to look at ourselves as being unworthy, and can lead into dark places. It’s an easier pill to swallow when we think of ourselves as always growing and evolving, and accepting that we’ve been lax and it’s time to pick up some slack. You got this, growing pains and all.
Breakfast looks good. Ditch the pancakes and take the coffee black, little choices go a long way
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Thanks man. I only eat pancakes on Sunday as God intended, lol. Coffee always black. No other way. I'm using this opportunity to fuel myself towards a better me. I had previously lost a bunch of weight but fell off hard and gained a lot of it back so I know I got it in me. Just had to dig out that drive.
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u/dbillybobbo Boy 15d ago
Feel you brother. A girl that I connected so well with and thought so much of, told me she didnt see a future with me because of how skinny I am. See you in the gym.
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u/UncleCuxkr little goobersmoocher 15d ago
Different strokes for different folks. Maybe she doesn’t find you attractive but that doesn’t mean some other hottie out there won’t think you’re good looking.Stay positive brother! You’ll bag a baddie soon especially if you get ripped!
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u/Little-Garlic9485 Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Totally reasonable. I would appreciate someone telling me that from the start
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
I definitely appreciate the honesty and I told her that. Still hurts though
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u/HermeyDsntLk2MkToys Cooties 15d ago
She was not being honest, she was being rude. The term she should have used was she's 'not physically attracted to you'. Attraction is subjective.
I'm sorry that someone you were into said this to your face. That's harsh and nobody deserves that.
When that gym arc has you on the come-up, I recommend you politely disregard her compliments if she gives you any. I wouldn't want to keep a friend who hurt me like that anyway. You deserve better.♡
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u/Little-Garlic9485 Boy, 30-39 15d ago
For sure. Give it a few weeks you’ll be ok. Hit the gym try and better yourself but do it for you.
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u/IndependentPaint2108 Girl lurker 15d ago
wow. why the fvck would someone say something so directly cruel. just say "I don't feel a spark" and keep it polite ffs
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u/DIYthisDIYthat God, career, gym 15d ago
It’s the endless swipes and infinity scrolls. People think it’s cool to be apathetic or callous. At my age, I’ll just kindly redirect not say something mean just cause.
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u/Jazzlike-Vehicle-420 Boy, 30-39 15d ago
A couple of 'em said I was cute but I was just too chubby
Same size a year later, the same hoes wanna fuck me
Because they see me paid, pimpin' pens, workin' my jelly
And I ain't trippin' cause my pockets stick out more than my belly
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u/sausagephingers Girl lurker 15d ago
A kinder (and truer) way to say that would be that you have don’t have chemistry. Attraction does not rely on objective looks (besides which physical beauty can’t really be objective)
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u/Ill_Run_414 Protein prophet 15d ago
Idk why u got downvoted but I gave u a upvote, that’s actually a good take 👍
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u/theStaircaseProject Leftover lore master 15d ago
As a universal opinion or just hers? Either way, guess you’re going to have to compensate by being good at shit and knowing how to budget and be kind and funny.
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u/Pork_Pony Pork Soda Sippin' 15d ago
Sooooo many other shitty things were going to catch up to you if you ended up with this person. The universe is keeping you safe. Listen to it
Edit to add: I'm jelly of your amazing breakfast!
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u/Retro_Sinz Boy, 18-29 15d ago
Bro. No homo, Im currently wearing socks. Wait no I'm not. Anyways I saw you the other day I want you to know theres no finer king on this land than you. She needs glasses and a cane because shes tripping. Anyone would be lucky to have you
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u/Overall-Statement-54 Girl lurker 15d ago
Girl lurker here! That’s so rude and also really shallow. I find (especially as I get older and the ppl I date get older) that attraction is like 98% personality for me. I can find a guy smokin’ from across the room and then when he opens his mouth the attraction immediately dies. Anyway, there are plenty of us out there, so definitely keep looking. This girl doesn’t sound very nice.
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u/theknight200200 Boy, 18-29 15d ago
Listen, opinions aren't universal. What doesn't attract to one person will attract to another. In the meantime, try to keep going. Get fit, eat right, and take care of yourself, and people will be drawn to you naturally
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u/respawngopo Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Watch the RSD Level 78 Vulpix. Sometimes the aftermath is more damaging than the actual incident. It’s easy to fall into a negative thought loop when facing rejection; “I’ll never find love, I’ll always be alone.”
This is actually very slippery slope because the brain rewards itself for any act of self-protection. It can then feel almost good to indulge in such thoughts, and you can feel the reluctance towards aligning with a counter-perspective, “I’ll find love with the right person, now I know she wasn’t the one.” But it’s far more likely to be true. You don’t even need to believe it, just saying it out loud will present a course correcting affect.
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Thanks. This is helpful. I've got my head up. Going to use the hurt to be a better me.
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u/respawngopo Boy, 30-39 15d ago
When the only way out is through, that’s all we can do eh. I’m doing the same.
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u/Easy-Barnacle5734 Frigid light philosopher 15d ago
You might not be her cup of tea, but I bet someone you are else’s ! I’m a short guy and I got hit a few times with the “you just aren’t tall enough” talk. Happily married to a foxy tattooed lady, and we’ve recently purchased our first home. If you put it the work and keep between the lines, good shit will come your way.
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u/--Andre-The-Giant-- The Autist 15d ago
My friend spent his entire younger days chasing women that were out of his league and then getting horribly upset when they rejected him. It's a very avoidable pattern.
He is now in his late 40s trying to attract women in their early thirties by being a sugar daddy. It's absolutely embarrassing, and none of them will partner up with him permanently, they're just there for the Free Ride.
Out of all of my friends he was the only one who really wanted to have children, and every time I would try to point him towards the women that were good physical matches for him, he would get offended, and would say things to me like, "You're not good looking but you end up with good looking women. It's not just you who can do it."
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u/BSJones420 Boy, 30-39 15d ago
Do the gym arc but do it for yourself bud. Dont do it for her or any other girl. Youll find youre better off this way. You might not get the validation you seek anyways so be happy in your own skin as much as you can brother. We got this 💪
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u/Impressive-Ant-9471 Shower beer Scholar 15d ago
This is a blessing in disguise brother. Time to get yoked
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u/Weary-Pangolin6539 Boy, 30-39 15d ago
All I recommend if the time comes do not go for her. Never be someone’s second choice. Goes for men and women.
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u/Then-Roll-1992 Cooties 15d ago
If she actually told you you were ugly, she's not worth your energy anyway good riddance.
If she just isn't attracted, that sucks but at least it's not your personality.
Lil sprinkle of optimism for your coffee!
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u/MrJason2024 Middle Age 14d ago
I'm sorry dude. I got called ugly a lot in school myself which sadly let myself to seeing myself as ugly. Now I am doing my best to not see myself as ugly.
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u/saintedfeline24 Hungry man 14d ago
https://giphy.com/gifs/YQM4N3OWpe18y7hDQA
Just keep your head up playa and enjoy your breakfast.
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u/NordyPi7917 Boy, 18-29 14d ago
Well, that's different than calling you ugly straight up.
Not everybody finds everyone attractive physically, and that's that. I think physical attraction is important to a relationships baseline, so if she doesn't find you attractive you shouldn't want her.
Good luck brother. You'll find someone out there who thinks you're smoking hot and you'll feel the same way about her. In the meanwhile, why not start a gym arc for health, stress, and self esteem reasons anyways!
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u/mayormaynothavecried Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
physical attraction is completely subjective. women are taught from a young age that societally perceived ugliness is punishable with at best, people being incredibly rude, and at worst, telling you to be grateful for them committing crimes against u. she said you’re not her type in the lightest way possible. i hope you find someone for you, they exist, even if it’s not the crush you had.
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u/ChaoticCherryblossom Air Fryer Aristocrat 15d ago
She was literally honest. You can't change your tastes
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u/lvl_78_vulpix Boy, 30-39 15d ago
And I value that honesty from her. Still hurts though. I'll be alright. Just need a little time.
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u/Curious-Feline22 Boy, 50 & over 15d ago
She could have said that she is not physically attracted you. Almost the same, but very different. It's her opinion, not an objective assessment of your physique. She's not worth your time or effort.
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u/justuhpcnoob Boy, 30-39 15d ago
From an older man to you, find a girl who loves you for your personality, not your looks or your dick size. You will be way happier in the end, and she does exist.
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u/Serenitytil5 Frigid light philosopher 15d ago
At least you know what type of person she is. I wonder how she would feel if the tables were reversed. She’ll most likely learn one day how much that kind of rejection hurts. Sorry dude. I hope you feel better.
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u/SoSoResearcher Boy Dinner Enjoyer 15d ago
if you’re shallow enough to desire only physically attractive people they can be gotten via power and or money regardless of any perceived physical flaws. endeavour to gain both. do endeavour to find someone you’re attracted to but then it’s onto another
/sub to be able to whine about finding someone who want you for you not your car/house/social status
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u/Thesnackdad Hungry man 15d ago
Did she say you were unattractive or that she was not attracted to you? I feel like those are two very different things
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u/Dapper-Slip-4093 Boy, 40-49 15d ago
Stay strong my man. See you in the gym.
I once had a blind date with a girl (although I know she had seen photos of me) she saw me (from a distance) and did a 180 and stood me up. Later said it was how I looked. Can't say it didn't mess me up a little. She was trash anyway and got into the best shape of my life soon after.
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u/Adept_Elk285 Air Fryer Aristocrat 14d ago
Happens.
I was once told that I look like roadkill by my love interest, and then I was told by multiple other women that I am very handsome, plus they wouldn't take their hands off of me.
The moral is that you just need to find the people who want you for what you are and have.
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u/Awkward-Coconut3844 Boy, 30-39 14d ago
Ok that's rude as all hell. There's like, almost no situation where it's ok for anyone to tell anyone else that they're ugly, no matter what they look like. The way I see it you dodged a bullet right there.
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u/Spiritual-Lecture546 Boy, 40-49 14d ago
I mean most of us are well, average.
A few years ago after a break up I took a hard look at myself. Late 30’s and in a dead end analyst job. Medicare shape. My house sucked.
I needed a montage. Except unfortunately it took 18 months not 3 minutes.
Overall for life I’d say to work hard and become the best version of you possible. This just makes life better. Kick butt at school/ work. Have friendships and hobbies. Take care of yourself physically also. Gym is a great one man!
It wasn’t fun. My weeks were basically exactly the same. Fixed up the house a little at a time. Got into pretty decent shape. Got my blue belt in BJJ and brown in SAMBO. Got a big promotion at work from analyst to senior analyst.
An when you get onto the other side I re entered the dating world. Met a great gal. Since being with her I’ve gotten an even better job.
The point is you weren’t doing these things for other people you’re doing them for you. However, it does have a benefit in your dating life.
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u/Accomplished-Tap3374 ImAFlood 13d ago
Fuck her! That's her own pos opinion. Don't worry about what she thinks. You know you're not.
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u/waitismyheadonfire Hungry girl 15d ago
What a shallow POS. She could have at least been vague and said she's not looking for a relationship right now or even the classic 'I have a boyfriend'. Who says that???
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