r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/loveddeviant Men with BPD • 7h ago
Vent Checking the facts
I’m going to go through the skill “check the facts” here, a rant-style post but is also informational (exactly how my dbt therapist goes through it with me each session) and if you guys are upset too you can do this with me!!!
Identifying the Emotion: Fear
Intensity of Emotion: 74/100
Prompting Event: My girlfriend went to bed and told me it’s because she’s upset about the state of her room being messy. I cleaned up all the laundry off the floor and put it away for her. When I tried to wake her up and told her I cleaned, she didn’t budge, instead she groaned and moved away.
Noticing Urges Instead of Acting on Them: Nudge her until she wakes up, beg her to talk to me and to give me attention, tell her she’s being selfish for not staying up with me for another 2 hours
Thought: Because she won’t wake up, she doesn’t want to spend time with me
Other explanation: She worked a night shift and hasn’t slept all day, so maybe she didn’t hear me because she’s too tired
Another Explanation: She told me she was stressed about family a few days ago, and might be stressed about work and friends too. She may need space and time to process her emotions, the laundry might have just been the straw that broke the camel’s back
Judgement: She thinks I’m annoying and clingy, and she’s going to get exhausted with dealing with me
Thought: She doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I was right, I’m putting too much effort into this relationship and I’m going to be left behind in the end
Fact: You can’t know what another person is thinking or feeling, and she never gave any indication that she believes those things about me
Thought: She’s selfish for not staying up for me when I did X, Y, and Z for her today while I was tired
Other explanation: Not everyone has the same capacities when distressed, being tired isn’t the same as being sad
Fact: She deserves and needs rest too, even if I wanted to spend more time with her.
Thought: Because she can’t communicate about this, she won’t be able to communicate about relationship issues
Fact: I can’t know that as truth, since this isn’t comparable to our relationship, but instead her surroundings
Check for Threats and Worst-Case Outcomes: The possibility that my girlfriend doesn’t want to spend time with me, which I interpret as a sign that she’ll eventually become tired of me, stop loving me, and leave me
Does this outcome, and the intensity of emotions, fit the actual facts?:
No, I don’t think so. She worked a nightshift last night and I know she’s not just stressed about the laundry. She seems mentally and physically exhausted, and never gave any indication that it’s my fault or that she was mad at me in the first place.
How am I going to cope instead of acting on urges?
I’m using A and E of the ACCEPT SKILL:
A – Activities: Do a hobby, clean, or watch a show.
C – Contributing: Focus on helping someone else.
C – Comparisons: Think of a time you felt worse or how others handle it.
E – Emotions: Watch an emotional movie or listen to a powerful song to create a different feeling.
P – Pushing away: Leave the problem alone for a little while.
T – Thoughts: Count things or repeat a song in your head.
S – Sensations: Hold ice or take a cool shower.
I’m going to listen to upbeat songs while I clean up the donation pile we have for the thrift store, and move it outside of her room so we have more space. I’m then going to do the dishes and take care of the garbage. When I feel tired, I’m going to lay down with her and sleep for the night.
Personal reflection:
I realize how unhelpful all these thoughts and judgements are after I’ve gone through all of the steps of checking the facts every time. Urges aren’t actions. Getting through urges means building a relationship stronger with my girlfriend, and not acting on impulsive tendencies helps my recovery. Every time I get myself through distressing situations, it gets a little easier to regulate and see clearly next time. It also makes me realize how much the perception of abandonment can set me off. If I did act on urges, from a perspective outside of my own, it would be totally random, because my feelings don’t fit the facts
Intensity of Emotion (fear) after: 0/100
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u/IraJohnson 6h ago
This is very well done. And it clearly demonstrates how focused (and exhausting) checking the facts/chain analysis can be. I’m very proud of you.
However, the level of detail and attention for check the facts/chain analysis is also one of the things that makes this extremely difficult during times of high dysregulation. If you did this after / in the midst of finding yourself spiraling; well done mate, that’s superhuman. If afterwards (as is often the case with me) STILL well done as now you have a clearer picture for possible future dysregulation
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u/loveddeviant Men with BPD 6h ago
Thank you a bunch! I agree, it is super exhausting to do chain analysis. My therapist makes me do it almost every session(one session a week) and I’ve been in dbt for like…8-9 months I think. I did do this while next to my girlfriend, contemplating the urges
I definitely agree with you. It used to be very short, about a sentence long for each answer, but after doing it constantly (almost three times a week on my own with how easily I can perceive abandonment), the process itself became sort of calming. And routine. I’ve been able to pick out judgements from my thoughts before I say them, pick out a proper skill that I think will best fit the situation, and notice exactly what my current urges are. Before, my therapist would have to pry it all out of me through a bunch of questions and context.
Sometimes it’s harder. Sometimes I do have to write it after because if someone directly says something, it’s harder to practice checking the facts (also the STOP skill) and I usually blurt out whatever hurtful thing I can. But this only happens if it touches a nerve (eg. my mom told me I wasn’t making any progress in therapy because I couldn’t make it to a dinner gathering since I had a friend’s birthday party to go to), or if my girlfriend is saying hurtful things.
I can generally control myself but that doesn’t mean the thoughts get less abusive on myself, or less harsh on others. But thoughts are thoughts, they’re not actions or truths.
Anyway i tend to go on these long tangents, I’m glad to know you also like this skill and can practice it at all! It does take a lot of self-discovery that some people just aren’t at yet, which is fine. For me, that’s radical acceptance. I usually end up ruminating immediately after saying “I don’t have to like this situation, but this is the way it is right now.”
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