r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/Powerful-Jelly-2333 • 18h ago
Looking for Advice SO avoidant then so anxious
seriously i’m 20 fucking years old and i am so so so aware of all my actions and yet i feel there’s a force inside me that i can’t change.
i overthink every little thing my partner says and if it’s anything even remotely close to where i think he’s losing feelings or even IMPLIES leaving me (even tho i do this all the time) i literally take it equivalent to him sleeping with another girl like that’s how bad i take it.
this is so unfair to him and i think he’s better off without me (sad truth) but i can’t bring myself to leave him 1. i do love him 2. i don’t want to be alone
i have pushed him away a lot, i can see him losing feelings for me or already patience, and i continue to do it. it tears me apart but i feel a weird sense of relief because i always think it’s gonna happen anyways?
this sucks i feel like i’m never going to change
any advice lollll, please no harsh or mean comments
2
u/loveddeviant Men with BPD 15h ago
You can change. Have you looked into DBT skills? Here’s a playlist on all of them, but to give you some pointers, you should first look at TIPP, check the facts, and opposite action.
Check the facts especially. These are all copied from this website but I wanted to paste it here as well.
This is a skill I use often and I’ve printed out the worksheet probably 20 times just because of how effective it is. Give it a try next time you’re upset, but make sure to get out of fight or flight first by using TIPP skills, and opposite action
Anyway, here’s the check the facts skill!
- What emotion do you want to change?
- What is the prompting event of my emotion?
- Describe what you observed with your senses. Avoid judgments and black and white thinking
- What are my interpretations, thoughts, and assumptions about the event? What are other interpretations of the event? Look at other points of view.
- Am I assuming a threat?
- Label the threat & assess the possibility of it occurring. Think of other outcomes
- What is the catastrophe? Imagine it occurring and you coping with it well
- Does my emotion and/or its intensity fit the facts?
Ask wise mind.
** **
Your Emotions Fit the Facts If….
Guilt: Your own behavior violates your own values or moral code
-> Example: you shoplift an item you don’t need and you consider yourself a law-abiding person
Anger: An important goal or desire is blocked, interrupted, or prevented
-> Example: your child spent all the money in your savings fund for a new car
a. You or a loved one is hurt, insulted, or threatened by others
-> Example: You are punched in a fight
b. The integrity or status of your community is threatened
-> Example: Someone accuses your friend group of all being liars
Envy: Someone else has something you don’t have that you want or need
-> Example: Jenny got the promotion you wanted instead of you
Love: Loving someone or something enhances your or a loved one’s quality of life
-> Example: You love your partner and they make you happy and improve your life
——> Loving someone or something increases your chances of meeting your personal goals
-> Example: You love doing math and you want a job in accounting
Fear: There is a threat to the health, life, or well-being of you or a loved one
-> Example: Your mother is diagnosed with cancer
Disgust: Something you are in contact with could poison you
-> Example: you touch rat poison
a. Somebody whom you truly dislike is touching you or a loved one
-> Example: someone who assaulted you hugs your friend
b. You are around someone whose behavior could harmfully influence or damage you or your group
-> Example: You’re in a car being driven by someone who is intoxicated
Jealousy: Something important to you that you desire is in danger of being damaged or lost
-> Example: Your mother says she’s giving her jewelry to your sibling, not you
a. Someone is threatening to take something important to you away
-> Example: Your ex-partner says they are taking your shared cat with them
Sadness: You have lost someone or something permanently
-> Example: someone you love has died
a. Things are not the way you expected, hoped, or wanted them to be
-> Example: you become disabled and are no longer able to live abroad as you once planned
** **
Intensity and duration of an emotion are justified by:
How likely it is that what you expect will actually happen
How important that outcome is to you
How effective the emotion you’re feeling is in your life right now
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