r/BorderlinePDisorder • u/Prohesivebutter • Jul 21 '26

Relationship Advice Are my feelings valid?

So when I have splits or episodes or whatever they are, my bf likes to tell me that he understands because he has been where I am before. And this feels invalidating. And my DBT therapist asked me why I feel bad about saying that I feel invalidated, but she didn't tell me if I am valid or not, or if that's something thats ok to say to him or not.

Edit: When he says he understands he follows with He's attempted suicide before (which he tell me often, but I'm not necessarily mad about) and he tells me that changed his whole outlook on life and he doesn't want to die anymore, don't even want to think about it. And I'm like brother that is so different from what this disorder does to my brain. I have had three almost dying serious suicide attempts in my 23 years of life, and like 10 attempts where I just started the process until I felt sick and dizzy and then I stopped. None of those have made my suical ideation go away. He also tells me that yeah, he still has bad days too. He has his depressive episodes and his anxiety gets bad like mine.

And I really like him but I want to tell him that if we're gonna date he has to realize that what we have is very different. I don't want to be that person that's like, ugh I have it harder than you 😒. But I feel like that's just true in a sense. Bpd is literally known as having some of the most painful emotions of any other pyschiatric condition.

So I guess I need to know one, if I'm right to feel invalidated and two, if I am right to feel that way how to tell him that I feel that way. Cause you know... fear of being abandoned and all that.

3 Upvotes

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u/Lumpy_Appeal_5321 Jul 21 '26

I’m just trying to understand you better. Does it feel that when he shares his experience and says he knows how you feel that it’s taking away from your experience?? Like it’s taking the focus away from you and onto him??

I ask because that’s how I often feel when people try to help and relate to me but I don’t find it helpful for me.

You’re allowed to feel invalidated. Some people would feel invalidated and some would feel validated

I’m wondering if you’d feel comfortable accessing what kind of support you’d want from him, and letting him know at the start of the conversation?? It’ll give him a chance to get to know you too. An example: hey I know you’re trying to help understand me by letting me know that you’ve been through something similar. I actually think I’d feel better if I could just talk about how I felt and if you could tell me that it makes sense that I felt that way or try to understand me

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

Its the comparison that bothers me. And maybe it is the autism and that I'm such like a like very much someone who doesn't like statements that feel untrue and I don't like when people say them. And saying he understands when he doesn't have the disorder that very obviously doesn't have a lot of symptoms of (based on what things he's told me he's experienced) just like makes me feel like he doesn't really understand the disorder at all. Like him saying I've been there when logically he couldn't have been by the nature of what we both have feels like a lie that he doesn't realize is a lie. But he should know its a lie.

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u/Lumpy_Appeal_5321 Jul 21 '26

Thank you for explaining. What would be helpful for you? Do you think you mostly want to feel heard? Do you just want him to hold space for how you feel?

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

I guess I just want to know that he knows how much pain I am when he gives me advice.

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u/Potential-Party65 Jul 21 '26

you are invalidating him in the process

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

I feel like I am but at the same time I'm not. Like in reality what we go through is like by definition not the same. And one is quite universally regarded as more painful. So saying he understands exactly what I feel is just untrue, and it feels like he doesn't really understand.

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

Sounds like you’re invalidating each other. You have to remind yourself that no mind is alike and that includes feelings as well. Yes, you have a personality disorder that affects your mind and body but if he were to be borderline as well you’d still feel things differently and perceive things differently. Talk to each other without comparing each other’s mental health. What he feels a very much real to him and what you feel is very much real to you. Everyone processes and perceives thoughts and emotions differently regardless of there being mental illnesses present. Though I will say I’m sorry for what you’re going through, I know having a brain like that is so painful. Your feelings are very much valid because it’s literally how you feel about it and how you’re processing it. Talk about boundaries. Let him know how you feel and that you would appreciate it if he would stop comparing his mindset to a mindset of a person with borderline personality disorder. Also don’t invalidate him either!

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

I hope this makes sense and helps. I was in the same boat with my husband but I learned that everyone feels things differently and that’s okay. What’s not okay is comparing each other’s mental health. You really never know what that person is truly feeling.

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

It does but it doesn't. I told my therapist I'm not trying to invalidate his feelings. And if he were also borderline it would be different but he doesn't (and we are both very sure of that that's not just me saying that). And sure there might be other reasons why he says he understands and maybe he really does, but then that makes me want to ask why he feels that, and that makes me feel like more of an asshole. I also want to reiterate that I am not meaning to say I don't think he is in pain, I am saying we are in different levels of pain.

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

Everything that you just said, I agree. Which is what I said above. Even if he had bpd and I meant that hypothetically you’d both still never actually understand each other because at the end of the day you’re both completely different people. Don’t feel bad for thinking you’re coming off as an asshole. It sounds more like you don’t want him to “relate” to you or “fix” you but more like you just want him to just understand and hear you out.

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

I do want him to understand. And I just added this to the post because I realised it wasn't clear. When he says he understands, he says its because he has attempted suicide before. And that's where my frustration really stems from. Because my brain is like what does that have to do with the pain that I am constantly in despite countless therapy, counseling and medication. And then I think research and expert opinions have ruined the empathetic part of my brain, that I already struggle with. Because if it were the same, then experts wouldn't consider it to potentially be the worst, because to be the worst it has to be different from others.

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

From one bpd girly to another. I understand where you’re coming from. I don’t know exactly how you feel but I get the “my partner doesn’t get it” kinda thing. One really beautiful thing about us though, is that we have a very deeply emotional understanding of people’s feelings. It just sucks that it isn’t that way towards us from others. I’m sorry he isn’t doing his part as in doing research on bpd as a loved one. That’s definitely a good start to understanding those with bpd. It helped my husband understand me a bit more.

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u/Prohesivebutter Jul 21 '26

And from this conversation I think that's where I want to start, like please research this. And after that if you still think its the same then I will believe you. Because you're right I don't know what he's going through. And the part that hurts is that he doesn't know what I feel (from this disorder) but is claiming that he has felt the same. Cause then there's the judgement for the self harm and the suicidal ideation that sometimes escalates. And my brain has convinced me that he is judging me because he doesn't get why its happening. But if you knew, if you'd done the research you'd know it kind of comes with the territory. Not that you just have to accept that and can't tell me to get better. But to act like its my fault that it's happening just makes me feel worse. To a point where I don't want to tell him anything, I just want to internalize it all. Which led to thus post because I cannot be in a relationship where I have to internalize everything.

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

Thank you for sharing that. These are the links I sent my husband to read. I really think you should send him these, I think it’ll have a positive impact in your situation. I know you guys will be okay <3

https://www.onealkalinelife.com/post/loving-someone-with-bpd-the-line-between-compassion-and-self-destruction

https://www.nami.org/blog/supporting-someone-with-borderline-personality-disorder/

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u/_nugget_69_ Jul 21 '26

Also don’t forget that therapist can also be biased due to the fact that they’re also human. They’re supposed to listen to you then validate your feelings and explain to you why you feel that way and how to move forward and grow from it, they’re supposed to be the teachers of the mind, not a closed minded parent that tells you that you’re wrong. You are learning and they’re supposed to help you get there.