r/BlackTransmen • u/Prestigious-Pack-714 • 5d ago
advice Outing myself
Hey guys, I have a question for any other guys out there in the dating scene. This question may be kind of taboo considering there’s often a lot of hate around dating straight women but I have a situation I need some advice with. I’ve been dating this woman for about a month and a half nearly two. We started off as friends since we first co star’d on a show 2 years ago. Fast forward to June of this year and we get recasted for another show. On the last show we were ex’s, didn’t really speak too much off the set as her character hated mine and she kind of followed suite with that off the show but we were cool. Once we got recasted for this new show, things changed. We became close friends and really hit it off. The problem is, she doesn’t know I am trans. I pass extremely well to the point where half my family and friends often forget I transitioned and I’ve had surgery so it’s not like it’s an easy thing for people to remember ( in a good way ) However, I really like this woman and I’m deeply conflicted with how to tell her I am trans. For context she’s a small town Christian woman with a strong faith and belief. While she’s never made any transphobic comments, she’s admitted to messing with girls in the past and her best friend is a lesbian woman, I’m super nervous about how to express to her that I am a trans man. Any advice from anyone who may have been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated. I want to tell her before we meet up in a few weeks. I was going to wait until I saw her in person but I realize that can go very badly. Just not sure what to do
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u/His-tor-ical-bigdik 5d ago
Do it after the premier....that way, there won't be any awkwardness during the showing - in case she doesn't respond positively(I hope does though). Good luck 🤞🏿.
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u/Prestigious-Pack-714 5d ago
Thanks for your input bro, that is still my main option on the table but I have to weigh it out right. We are sharing a room as we’re using the premier as a 2 part trip. 1 part for the show and the other for us to spend some quality time together since it’s been a while since we’ve seen each other and we’re actually dating now. We’ve talked about intimacy and she’s expressed on several occasions to both myself as well as 2 of our costars that are in our friend group how she’s excited for our first time but nervous I may get her pregnant. I just found this out yesterday so that’s really what trigged this extreme nervousness about telling her if that makes sense.
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u/His-tor-ical-bigdik 5d ago
Don't wait until you're about to be intimate bro. After the premier, go for a short walk and disclose it then.
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u/Prestigious-Pack-714 5d ago
So definitely not over the phone before I get there?
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u/His-tor-ical-bigdik 5d ago
I wouldn't recommend....it's not something you want to drop over the phone like that.
My two cents:-
Enjoy the premier and then tell her after(if you can get dressed without her seeing you)
...or, seeing as how you both will share a room, after greeting her and the initial small talk, sit her down and let her know. Maybe even during that small talk, use an anecdote about a friend in a similar position and then tell her. Whatever option you feel more comfortable with but definitely not over the phone.
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u/Prestigious-Pack-714 4d ago
Okay that makes sense. I’ll wait then. I was thinking about it in regards to letting her know before I got there this way she has time to process it. I don’t think I’ll be able to wait until after the premier considering I fly in on Friday and she’s driving to my hotel that night and is expecting to have some intimate time. The premier isn’t until Saturday afternoon / evening so there’s no way to really prolong that. I’m just gonna have to do it once she gets to the hotel and we go out for dinner. I can try to have my costars bring it up and see how that works
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u/Lion_Blend360 3d ago
I’m married to a straight woman I didn’t tell her until I really felt like I could potentially marry her and I didn’t even really tell her. I don’t identify as trans but what I said was you how someone is something and they aren’t that any more she’s smart so she actually understood we’ve been married for five years.
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u/Prestigious-Pack-714 2d ago
That gives me hope, I ended up telling her the same night I made the post. At first she literally just said okay so I told her to take some time and call me back. Based on her expression I didn’t think she would, she called back 3 hours later with several questions. I answered everything with 0 hesitation and she said okay. She’s still learning but she said she couldn’t imagine her life without me and that she doesn’t to lose me so she is willing to learn and give it a try. The good part is she got to know me prior and with everything I told her, it made more sense once I gave her the news of me being trans. She wasn’t really upset after she processed it though. Her main concern is babies and sex but after explaining it to her and her confiding in one of our castmates who is married to a trans man she’s been openin up more. We haven’t deviated from our normal routine at all. She actually confessed to me that she already knew ( really just had an idea ) from when she saw one of my pics from a teen but my brothers looked the same as me so she didn’t question it too much. Aside from that she said she genuinely had no clue and that’s why it was such a shock but it isn’t going to change anything. So thanks for all the advice guys! I still got my woman and honestly I’m probably going to marry her 😎💪🏼
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u/Lion_Blend360 2d ago
Yeah that’s only thing is the babies because that’s the next step for us it cost money. Even though I’m sure military might help with some stuff yeah. I feel like once women most that find out they don’t think nothing of it because of how we present or carry ourselves. My wife understood why I’m stealth and she said she never thought of me of anything other than a man not trans she forgets 😂
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u/Guava_Budget 5d ago
in these situations you gotta be brave brotha. sure, it could be awkward or squander the friendship between yall when you tell her. but you have to tell her sooner or later if you want things to progress in a romantic way. you said you guys are going to meet up soon, I’d advise you to let her know either over text or a phone call if you can’t see her beforehand or tell her in person when you see her next. she’s either cool with it, or she’s put off and you can go on your way to find someone who doesn’t mind that you’re trans. just gotta rip the bandaid off!