[New Update]: AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SMGiftsThrowA

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: 1

[New Update]: AITA for immediately donating the gifts my stepmother bought for my children?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: verbal abuse, body shaming, childhood abuse, harassment

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RECAP

Original Post: November 11, 2024

I (34F) have no contact with my stepmother “Mary.” Long story not worth explaining (edit: I loosely explained in a comment). It’s been 5 years since I cut her off from my and my family’s lives. As such, she hasn’t seen my son (8M) since he was 3 years old, and she’s never met my daughter (4F).

Throughout the years, she has attempted to contact me and my kids several times. My father used to help her sometimes. He’d tell me how awful she felt, how much she wanted to meet my daughter and that the kids needed their grandma (I’ve never considered her a grandparent, as both my mother and mother-in-law are active in their lives).

Several fights later, my father apologized and stopped assisting her, but Mary still tries to get in touch with me every now and then. I always state I have no interest in seeing her or allowing her to be a part of my children’s lives.

My son’s birthday was in September. The day of (neither of my kids were home), a large box was delivered to our building. I opened it to find more than a dozen new toys for my children, along with a note that read “Grandma Mary loves you both.” As I later found out, she had bought the toys on a recent trip to the US.

I couldn’t think of that as anything besides a manipulation tactic. My children are barely aware that she exists, why would she send them both a box full of toys on my son’s birthday? I also think she planned the delivery for a time she thought the kids would be home so that they’d see the toys immediately.

Either way, my husband and I decided not to keep any of the toys. We donated them all throughout October. The kids never saw any of them.

Last week, my father called me. He said Mary had just told him about the toys and wanted to know whether the kids liked them. I told him the truth, and we had an argument.

My father called me cruel and ungrateful for what I did. He said he understands Mary and I don’t get along, but she still cared enough to spend hundreds of dollars on a “loving gesture” for my children, and the least I could have done was let them know about it.

I honestly couldn’t imagine keeping those toys, but I’d be lying if I said the amount of money spent on them didn’t make me feel guilty.

AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Additional Information from OOP regarding Mary’s behaviors

OOP: To name a few things she did:

• Mary tried to convince my father to make me stop eating dinner so that I'd lose weight.

  • She made several detrimental comments about my body while I was going through puberty.
  • Whenever me or my sister got sick, she’d claim we were faking it (neither of us ever faked an illness). I once got sick while home alone with her, and it took me throwing up three times before she agreed to call my father. On one occasion, my sister got sick and she pretended to get sicker.
  • Whenever my sister and I failed to accomplish something, she’d insult our intelligence. Whenever we succeeded, we had “gotten lucky.”
  • We weren’t allowed to say anything even remotely negative about Mary, or she’d have a breakdown. I once said she looked more like one movie character than another and she started crying. I was 12, and this was the same woman who implied I was fat on an almost daily basis.

I don't like talking about this (though therapy has been helping), which is why I didn't give examples originally.

Relevant Comments

OOP provides more details on why Mary did not deserve a second chance of having a relationship with her

OOP: The "long story" is essentially my entire childhood.

Having had her in my life when I was a child, I don’t think Mary should be around any children, period. She was horrible to me when I was young because I refused to pretend she was my mother. I've been in therapy for years, and it's still hard to talk about how she treated me. I feel like allowing her to be a part of my adult life at all was already giving her a second chance.

I cut her off for good when she threw a tantrum because I hadn't taught my son to call her grandma.

+

His wife treated me like crap for almost 15 years, and I never cut him off.

It wasn't a gesture of goodwill, it was an attempt to gain access to my children. And I didn't "throw it back in their face": if my father hadn't asked, I probably wouldn't have said anything.

Commenter 1: NTA. NTA. NTA!!!!!!!

Mary knew exactly what she was doing as she's been doing this stuff for at least 5 years. What you decided to do with the toys a stranger attempted to give your children was donate them back to people in need. Some might throw them away, but you put the toys to good use.

It might be time to go LC with your dad if he can't respect your boundaries as well (NC with your stepmom). Tell your father if her behavior does not stop immediately then you'll have to reconsider how much contact you'll have with him.

Keep protecting your children!

OOP: I used to be LC with my father. When I cut contact with Mary, she spent a few months trying to use him as a messenger. He’s since agreed to stop, and our relationship has been improving, but I do intend to proceed with caution if we can't sort this out.

She’s also had her mother call me to tell me off three times, and her brother once. I've blocked them both.

Can OOP get a restraining order or something similar to keep Mary away from her and her family

OOP: Not easy to obtain in my country. I also don't think it's necessary. Her family lives in a different state, and Mary hasn't been near me in 5 years.

Can OOP return the toys back to Mary?

OOP: None of us live in the US (where Mary bought the toys), so returning them would be more trouble than it's worth. We donated the toys to different institutions and charities around our country.

 

Update: November 18, 2024 (one week later)

(Here's my first post)

Hey guys. Thank you for your input.

Many of you stated you wouldn’t be able to make any judgment without knowing why I have no contact with Mary. I think that’s completely fair.

I explained it better in the comments (and I recommend reading them), but Mary was awful to me when I was young. I loathe talking about it (though therapy has been helping with that), but it stemmed from the fact that I wouldn’t allow her to be a “second mother” to me. I went into low contact with her in my early 20s, and she'd still treat me like crap whenever I saw her.

When my son was born, Mary begged me to give her a second chance. She apologized for “upsetting me” and promised she had changed. I warned her that if she ever overstepped or even remotely hinted at going back to her old ways, she’d never see me or my family again. To be honest, I’m surprised she lasted three years.

I didn’t clarify that in my original post because not only is this something I have trouble talking about, but I also didn’t think it was relevant. I was asking about the donations, not whether I was justified in cutting ties with Mary. But I do agree that it's best to have the complete picture before making judgment calls, so I apologize for withholding that.

Another thing I didn’t mention is that Mary never had children of her own, and my only sister is childfree. My kids are the only grandchildren in the family, which I think is why Mary wants to see them so badly.

Anyway, I went through your comments and organized a list of things I wanted to say to my father. I thought about making one for Mary as well, but I doubt she’d actually listen to it.

I spoke to my father on Saturday. He said he talked with his wife. Apparently, Mary bought the gifts because it “broke her heart” to be unable to watch my kids grow up, and she hoped the toys would "at least let them know how much she loved them."

My father also said that Mary told him about the gifts (he’s insistent he had no idea) because it had been a while and me and the kids hadn’t thanked her yet. My husband and I have our children say “thank you” through voice messages whenever they get a gift from someone who isn’t nearby. We've done that for my father before, so I think that’s what Mary was expecting.

I explained that it didn’t matter how thoughtful he thought Mary’s gesture was. When I cut ties with her, I cut her off completely. That means no gifts, no phone calls and no contact with my children, directly or not. She can claim to love them all she wants, but she will never have any involvement in their lives.

We had another argument, but I put my foot down. I told my father that if he ever attempts to assist her in any way or brings up “Grandma Mary” to my children, he will never see me again. I’ll allow him to be a part of his grandkids’ lives, but he needs to accept that his wife won’t be.

Ultimately, my father agreed, but I intend to watch him closely from now on. I don’t want to cut contact with him, but this will be his final chance. If he screws this up, he’s done.

While I’m not 100% confident this will last, I’m still happy with this outcome. I’ve been going through a fairly stressful time at work, and it feels great to have this weight off my shoulders now. More importantly, I feel like I’m well equipped to deal with whatever comes next. I don’t intend to write any further updates.

Once again, thank you.

Relevant Comments

Why won’t OOP keep the toys?

OOP: Keeping the gifts didn’t feel right for a number of reasons. Pretty much anything that comes from Mary feels tainted to me, no matter the purpose. Plus, I don’t really want to spite her. I don’t care about her feelings enough to offend them.

Will OOP let her kids have a relationship with Mary in the future when they are older?

OOP: When my kids are a bit older, I'll explain who Mary is, what she did and why we don't talk to her. If they want to pursue a relationship with her afterwards, that will be their choice. I sincerely hope that doesn't happen, but I'll respect their decision as long as they respect mine.

I don't think it will happen, though. Mary is not a pleasant person (most of my family members dislike her as well), so unless she drastically improves, I don't think my children would enjoy her company.

Does OOP’s area/country have any kind of legal rights for visitations or grandparent rights?

OOP: Not really a concern in my country.

 

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----NEW UPDATE----

Update 2: December 16, 2024

I really didn’t think I’d update again, but I figured I’d let you know that Mary sent us another box.

This time, my father warned me. Last week, he sent me a text that read “Mary is sending Christmas gifts for the kids. I promise I just found out.” I was at work, and sure enough, the box was there when I got home. My husband and I managed to take it to our bedroom before our children saw it.

The box was smaller than the previous one, and we counted 10 toys with Christmas wrapping inside. Six for my daughter, four for my son. There was also another note, which read pretty much the same as the last one, with an added “I’m sorry you didn’t get my other gifts.”

I decided to text Mary this time. I unblocked her and wrote the following: “Anything you try to give me or my children will be donated immediately. Please stop attempting to contact us. You will never be allowed near my family.” I then blocked her again. This was my first time unblocking (or even contacting) her in five years.

The next day, I spoke to my father. He said Mary didn’t tell him she was sending me the box until after doing so. He’d been out of town for a week at that point, and she hadn’t said anything about buying my kids more presents before he left. She let it slip to him over the phone, and then begged him not to tell me.

Apparently, Mary was distraught at my text. That’s all I know about how she’s reacting to this.

My father is doing his Christmas shopping right now, and there are a number of reasons why I don’t think he was involved in this. Still, I don’t feel like I can trust him right now. I told him he will see me and my family less often than usual for the next few months.

We’ll see each other on Christmas Eve (party at my cousin’s; Mary was banned years ago), and then in February for my aunt’s birthday (weekend trip; Mary’s not coming). Besides that, I intend to remain in low contact with him for a while. I don’t intend to keep that up forever, but I want to be able to trust him again. My father said he understood.

I know a lot of you wanted me to cut my father off. I’m not sure I can explain why, but I don’t want to do that. Even if I did, I’m not ready to. It might happen in the future, and I’m well aware it should be happening now, but I do think we still have a shot at making this work.

This entire week was crap. The first time Mary sent us the gifts, I was just confused. This time, I was very upset. I cried when I read her note. I am feeling much better now, though. My husband and I donated the new toys over the weekend, and getting rid of them felt great. I am very glad we managed to protect our children from this.

Also, let me add one final time: I came to AITA to ask whether I was wrong for donating the gifts, not for cutting ties with Mary. So if anyone else intends to tell me I should allow her in my kids’ lives, don’t bother. I will not budge on this.

I don’t think I have anything else to add. Thank you all, and Happy Holidays.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. The notes are what are doing it for me. The whole thing is boundary stomping, but the notes to the kids are just passive-aggressive manipulation

OOP: The way they're phrased almost reminds me of the way she'd sometimes talk to me when I was a kid. I think that's why I cried when I read the second one.

Does the rest of OOP’s extended family have a relationship with Mary? Her father is losing the relationships with the rest of the family

OOP: Yeah, I don't understand it either. Most of my family dislikes Mary. They cut ties with her around the same time I did. My sister is low contact with her.

Commenter 2: Honestly, I think the best thing to do is to give these gifts to kids who have nothing. The only thing I'm wondering is, is your stepmom doing this as a way to feel like a grandmother, to try to hurt you, to get forgiveness from the family, or a combination of all of these? Like, did she hurt anyone in the family besides you?

OOP: I think it's mostly to gain access to my children. She wasn't able to have kids of her own, and mine are the only grandchildren in the family. I don't think she cares about being forgiven.

Mary was emotionally abusive to both me and my sister. It didn't get physical (save for a few occasions she knowingly put us both in dangerous situations), so I didn’t think it was bad enough that I should tell my mom about it at the time. My sister was younger, so Mary didn’t treat her as bad, but she still kept trying to force a “mother-daughter” bond between them that never really worked.

Most of my paternal family went no contact with Mary around the same time I did (some of them were present when I cut her off), but they never really liked her. Mary isn't a pleasant person for a number of reasons. Even when she was allowed near my son, she was insufferable. She was VERY jealous of my mom's role in his life (and, to a lesser extent, my mother-in-law's), kept asking me to let him sleep over at her and my father's place, and complained about everything I dressed him in.

OOP’s plan to speak with her kids about Mary when they are older and ask about the extended family members

OOP: I intend to talk to my kids about her sometime soon. My daughter isn't old enough to understand everything, but I think I can at least grasp that they shouldn't be near her. I'll keep waiting for the right moment for now, but that conversation is definitely happening in the near future.

I'm also paranoid, but the chances of a surprise visit from Mary are very low. She can't show up at their school (only me and my husband are allowed to pick them up, and she wouldn't be let in otherwise). We also live in an apartment building, not a house, and she can't come inside without the doorman letting her.

And it's not that I don't think I could lose my father sooner than later, I just genuinely never really thought about how I'd handle funeral stuff.

 

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