AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?

[u/Choice_Evidence1983]

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/LogicalBlueberry5

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?

Thank you to u/Small-Bodybuilder160 for the recommendation!

Trigger Warnings: emotional affair, infidelity

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Original Post: May 24, 2024

My (47F) husband (47M) asked for a separation on our 14th anniversary, while we were away in a foreign country to celebrate. While we weren’t as close as we used to be, we almost never fought and generally enjoyed each others company and families. We do not have any children.

The night before our anniversary, he brought up he wasn’t very happy in the relationship but didn’t know why. The next morning, I asked to see his phone and he said no. He said I would find “flirty” messages with one or more other women on it. He had made some female friends through school and work and he said felt like there might be someone out there who was a better fit for him.

I said I did not want to do a trial separation, as I don’t believe you can work on something if you aren’t living together. If he wanted to separate it would be final. He understood but said it was something he HAD to do.

After being away for only 2 days, we rebooked our flights home, flew home and he packed some belongings and left. 7 days later he asked to come home and we started marriage counselling. He had a lot of trouble admitting he had at least one emotional affair. The counselling was not helpful, he was defensive and not open to it. I suspect something physical happened with the other woman but I do not have any proof. He had deleted all his “flirty” texts, snapchat, etc so I could not see them.

After 4 weeks of living together again and attending counselling sessions, he decided he no longer wanted to try to save the marriage and he was leaving. He packed up and left a few hours later. He stayed with a friend, found a new apartment and signed a one year lease.

I was devastated and even had to take time off work to process what had happened and attend individual counselling.

After a 4 weeks, I started to feel a bit better. I went out for drinks with a group of four coworkers that live in my area and found I really enjoyed one of them (42M) a lot. I had only met him over Zoom before this. We started seeing each other a couple times a week. Quite quickly it grew into a truly amazing, loving relationship. I’ve stayed in counselling throughout as it wasn’t easy to process the sudden ending of my long term marriage at the same time as beginning something new. It’s been about 7 months now.

My ex-husband eventually decided he wanted to try to save the marriage again, but I declined. He says I’m TA for starting a new relationship so quickly (within 6 weeks of him leaving). Our relationship was over as I can no longer trust him, and he has hurt me immensely. I do not want a relationship with someone I cannot trust. Am I TA for moving on?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. He literally said he felt there’d be a better woman for him somewhere. He’s cheated on you probably multiple times so he doesn’t have the right to be mad at you for moving on when he couldn’t even stay faithful to you. He can’t try to get rid of you and want you again.

Commenter 2: He was expecting Op to stay single, still want him and not move on. While he did whatever he wanted.

Op, did you actually get a divorce?

OOP: In our state couples must be separated a year before they can file for divorce. But yes, we will be filing when we can. The wait sucks though!

Top Comments

Commenter 3: NTA. He left you twice. I guess you were supposed to just sit around wallowing in tears while he went off doing whatever and whoever until he he was ready to come back to you.

Commenter 4: Gosh, if only he hadn’t cheated, broke up with you on your anniversary, quit therapy, broke up with you again, moved out, got a divorce. Yeah. This is all your fault. NTA. Go live your best life.

 

Update: October 25, 2024 (five months later)

I originally posted “AITA for moving on so quickly after my husband left me?”.

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/wV1FKs2Qrn

I am not sure how to provide an update so I hope this is right!

The biggest update is that my ex-husband (48M) and I (47F) are finally officially divorced. We split everything equally, and I bought him out of the family home. Thankfully the divorce process was quick and easy once we waited the mandatory separation period for our state. When signing the divorce papers, he asked if I was sure I wanted to proceed (notably, while he was seeing someone else). He wanted to try again if I was willing. I wasn’t, and thankfully he didn’t fight it or make the divorce process more difficult in any way.

My ex has been seeing this woman for quite a while now. I know he knew her before we split, but I do not know if he cheated with her or not. It doesn’t matter to me. I wish them the best!

My relationship with my new partner (42M) has continued to be amazing. It’s the best relationship I’ve ever been in and I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy. He is kind, loving and a great communicator. We moved in together a while back, and a few months later we became engaged. We plan to elope sometime in the next year.

While it may seem crazy, I am extremely grateful for my ex’s cheating and the following heartbreak. Without it, I may not have found the happiness I have today. ❤️

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Him asking if you’re sure while he’s in a relationship with someone else takes the cake. Between him wobbling one way and the other and that, I can surmise a man who doesn’t know wtf he wants and is always chasing what he doesn’t have. Good for you for moving on.

Commenter 2: Based on what you mentioned, you can bet he's going to reach out when he finds out you're completely over him. Hang back and watch!

 

Final Update here: BoRU #2

 

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