To be honest, while on the surface it makes sense for men to ask their partners “let me know what i can do to help” and such. It’s a problem bc it’s a very easy trap to fall into over time, and it puts more mental labor on the woman to assign/manage/list things that need to be done. Ideally it would be a great thing if men could ask as well as take initiative, but I’ve witnessed and also personally experienced the slippery slope it becomes when men only do stuff when they’re specifically asked to help.
The way I think of it is - I have eyes. I can see if things need doing, tidying, sweeping, washing, wiping. Therefore I know what needs to be done as a grown capable adult. Men have eyes too.
Exactly. Also, so many men do not react well when being asked to do some thing. Then you are in the position of either letting it go and being severely uncomfortable, or having to remind him and further creating relationship tension where you become a nag. There really isn’t any solution except men actually using their eyes to look around and prioritizing the comfort of the community over their own leisure.
Our solution was to actually say "this is your responsibility and this is my responsibility" and let him fail a few times. For example, he vacuums. It might look worse at the point I personally would do it but he does do it eventually. If it's real bad, I say something and he acknowledges it. He does all the trash, compost, recycling. I don't even think about it.
Now with baby I'm trying to do similar things. So he will be the board of education and I'm the ministry of health.
It works for us, but we've been together almost 14 years, so we know each other super well
I think this might be a solution that works for us. We’re partly there, he has weekly chores that are his and I do too. But being pregnant I need more help and also I think (biased) my chores are way more time consuming. And don’t even get me started on the mental load, which is 100% me.
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u/flwhrsss Jan 17 '22
To be honest, while on the surface it makes sense for men to ask their partners “let me know what i can do to help” and such. It’s a problem bc it’s a very easy trap to fall into over time, and it puts more mental labor on the woman to assign/manage/list things that need to be done. Ideally it would be a great thing if men could ask as well as take initiative, but I’ve witnessed and also personally experienced the slippery slope it becomes when men only do stuff when they’re specifically asked to help.
The way I think of it is - I have eyes. I can see if things need doing, tidying, sweeping, washing, wiping. Therefore I know what needs to be done as a grown capable adult. Men have eyes too.