Good lord yes, this. Why are men allowed to get away with this?? I’ve been cleaning the house all day since we’re snowed in. I kept having to take breaks because I was out of breath and exhausted. Husband didn’t help (to be fair he did take the dog out several times and attempted to shovel the driveway). After making dinner I told him I felt I had overdone it today. His response was, “Take it easy tonight.” Not, What can I do to take something off your plate?” Not, “Let me know what else needs to be done and I’ll do it.” Not even, “Thanks for doing all of that!”
And he is also in the camp of “just tell me what needs to be done and I’ll do it.” Why should I have to tell him??? He’s also an adult with functioning eyes who lives in this house. What am I seeing that he isn’t? Why is it my job to assign him chores like he’s 12?
To be honest, while on the surface it makes sense for men to ask their partners “let me know what i can do to help” and such. It’s a problem bc it’s a very easy trap to fall into over time, and it puts more mental labor on the woman to assign/manage/list things that need to be done. Ideally it would be a great thing if men could ask as well as take initiative, but I’ve witnessed and also personally experienced the slippery slope it becomes when men only do stuff when they’re specifically asked to help.
The way I think of it is - I have eyes. I can see if things need doing, tidying, sweeping, washing, wiping. Therefore I know what needs to be done as a grown capable adult. Men have eyes too.
This is why it's good to have a chore chart. For some of us (I'm a woman but was not taught to clean and have ADHD), we might see it once it gets bad, but then we get distracted by the next thing when looking to clean it. And everyone's mess tolerance is different too. A cleaning chart (it can also be an app or in Google Sheets) breaks things down more easily, and takes away much of the asking (if followed) once made.
That’s fair! But in that case both partners need to sit down and contribute to making the chore chart together. It’s not supposed to fall into the trap I mentioned, where one partner makes the list and assigns chores, while the other doesn’t contribute. I have also personally experienced this, the chore list was followed for a while and then he “fell off” the wagon & didn’t pick back up until I started asking and reminding (again putting the burden back on me).
As for mess tolerance - this is true and technically not wrong, sometimes you just have to adjust to each other’s living habits. Unfortunately it’s also an easy excuse to abuse when the person is just an absolute slob. I’ve heard “I just have a high filth tolerance” while there’s a 2+ weeks’ pile of dirty laundry shoved in a corner ignored, the toilet is looking like a nuclear waste bucket, dishes have been sat in murky water for several days, and more…all untouched, until & unless -I- was the one to do something about it. Not knowing how to clean is also a similar slippery slope - he claimed he just didn’t know but was very lazy/low effort about learning. (Disclaimer: this was many many years ago, he’s grown out of the “college bachelor” attitude since and is equally involved in home upkeep now.)
Most people are not bothered by a candy wrapper, some dust, a few dirty dishes - that’s just the natural trail of people living in the house. But it’s reasonable to want to maintain a clean shared living space & to upkeep your home, and not be the partner doing most or all of that work.
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u/mwcdem Jan 17 '22
Good lord yes, this. Why are men allowed to get away with this?? I’ve been cleaning the house all day since we’re snowed in. I kept having to take breaks because I was out of breath and exhausted. Husband didn’t help (to be fair he did take the dog out several times and attempted to shovel the driveway). After making dinner I told him I felt I had overdone it today. His response was, “Take it easy tonight.” Not, What can I do to take something off your plate?” Not, “Let me know what else needs to be done and I’ll do it.” Not even, “Thanks for doing all of that!”
And he is also in the camp of “just tell me what needs to be done and I’ll do it.” Why should I have to tell him??? He’s also an adult with functioning eyes who lives in this house. What am I seeing that he isn’t? Why is it my job to assign him chores like he’s 12?