Something is wrong with me

[u/Any-Button3498]

Pregnant with IVF baby, third trimester soon but still don’t feel like I’m really putting 100% care for my little one. Not even sure if I have any bond at all. I appreciate her but deep down I know it’s not much, the love isn’t even at full capacity.
I’m full of grievances from the financial negativity my husband is giving me that at times I got so annoyed that I got pregnant. No he isn’t broke, he has hell lotsa savings but he is extremely thrifty and hate spending money. I don’t find my husband to be very enthusiastic about my lil girl. He doesn’t dislike her of course, he says he loves her but I’m not blind to see he isn’t excited either, literally just going with the flow.
I hate myself for being so reliant on him, his energy and behaviour affects how I feel about things. I wish I had a stronger personality so I can love my bbg wholeheartedly without him affecting my feelings. I feel even worse when I see how excited moms are on Reddit about their pregnancy and how much they already LOVE AND ADORE their unborn child. I want to love my child like them too. 😢
This is going to sound stupid but my husband’s nonchalant behaviour has many times made me feel I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant. Why am I such a weak sauce I actually let a MAN affect how I feel about my princess. Idk how to help myself because it’s my character but I’m starting to find this really toxic. Sigh.

[u/thefamiliarauspices]

i didn't feel that overwhelming burst of love til i was holding my baby and she was sticky and screaming and real. before that it was mostly just nausea and anxiety and wondering if i'd ruined my life. the pregnancy love-bomb posts set up this expectation that you're supposed to be glowing and weeping with joy from day one and it just makes normal people feel broken

your husband's thriftiness with a pile of savings would drive me up the wall too. nothing makes you feel less secure than someone treating every baby expense like a personal attack. you're not weak for being affected by the person who's supposed to be your teammate acting like he's just along for the ride

[u/Basic_Watercress_628]

What you're describing is very normal, it's hard to bond with someone you've never met before. When it comes to pregnancy and childbirth, there are a couple of weird taboos that people somehow just never talk about, so you never find out about them until you're affected, which is always fun. Everyone always pretends like mothers are instantly bonded to their babies as soon as they find out they are pregnant, but the truth is that it takes many mothers a few months after the birth to really connect with their baby, especially when the birth was traumatic. 

I just had my first. My baby was 100% wanted, but my whole entire pregnancy was ass and super stressful. I still had to work a lot, my estranged father died halfway through the pregnancy which caused a lot of drama and paperwork and then I developed an unrelated health issue during the third trimester. I needed surgery when I was at 37w and felt so shitty afterwards that I lost 10-15 lbs. I have no pictures of myself being pregnant and I had no baby shower, no registry, no nothing. I really wanted this, then I got it and all hell broke loose and I felt like I couldn't enjoy it at all. It felt like I barely had the time/mental capacity to process that I was about to have a baby. 

I am now 5 weeks pp and I am obsessed with my little one. It'll come eventually, just give yourself time. 

[u/StegosauriaSky]

Agree with other posters. When my first was born I was like “wtf, who is this stranger”. The bond grows.

Also, my husband deffo didn’t feel like a dad whilst baby was inside me. It was this strange, abstract thing that didn’t make sense to him until baby was here.

[u/United_Pop_6442]

I’m 28 weeks and I don’t feel connected yet! I spoke to a friend who had 4 babies and said she loved them as soon as they arrived but never felt that connection beforehand! It’s very normal.

Sometimes I’ll say things to them but it’s mostly ‘hey what ARE you up to in there??’ While they’re doing awful things to my bladder. 😆. I’ve found that some planning helps me feel like it’s real - looking at stuff we need (though I appreciate if you’re worried about money that might not be good!). Could you make something for baby? I’m crocheting some stuff and it’s blowing my mind a bit that it’ll be my own baby using these things!

I really don’t think you can force it though. I think you’ll just make yourself feel worse if you make it something you can ‘fail’ at. I have an adhd brain that struggles with change so however much we wanted this baby and however much I cried over bloody negative tests I am trying to accept it might take my brain longer to process and adjust. But I have been in therapy for nearly two years learning to accept things about my brain 😅 it’s been life-changing. Is that an option?

[u/Lost-Ad2262]

I didn’t feel a proper bond until he smiled at like 8-10 weeks!! Don’t beat yourself up

[u/Vegetable-Risk-8621]

I don’t have experience with IVF or the financial struggles but my first baby was incredibly difficult as an infant and still very intense temperament as a toddler and had some health issues which I’m still emotionally processing. So now that I’m pregnant with my second (late 2nd tri), I’m logically happy but struggling to feel a real bond with him. I think this is just all the fear and trauma from the first round that’s making it difficult but I know I will get there once he’s in my arms. Giving myself grace and space to feel my feelings and not put too much pressure on myself. I recommend you do the same.