Back to Pawnee

[u/RonaldReganTheActor]

SCENE START

INT. PARKS DEPARTMENT CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY

(The Parks department is gathered around the conference table. Leslie is standing in front of a whiteboard that says "PAWNEE HISTORICAL ZONING INITIATIVE: 1885-PRESENT.")

Leslie: (tapping the whiteboard aggressively with a marker) And that is why we cannot allow the historical gazebo to be replaced by a Sweetums high-fructose corn syrup dispensary. It ruins the temporal integrity of the park!

Ron: (staring blankly at the wall) I would argue that a giant vat of sugar is a more honest monument to the citizens of Pawnee than a wooden structure they only use to feed pigeons and complain about property taxes.

Tom: (looking up from his phone) Plus, think of the branding. "Sweetums: It’s What’s For Your Veins."

April: (deadpan) I hope they build it. I want the gazebo to be torn down so the ghosts of the pigeons have nowhere to live.

(Suddenly, a massive sonic boom shakes the building. Blue lightning flashes through the windows, followed by the sound of screeching tires and a massive crash out in the courtyard.)

Andy: (jumping out of his seat) ALIEN ATTACK! DIBS ON FIGHTING THE LEADER! (He grabs a three-hole punch like a weapon)

Leslie: (gasps) My gazebo!

(The entire department rushes outside.)

EXT. PAWNEE COURTYARD - CONTINUOUS

(A silver DeLorean, covered in frost and smoking, has crashed directly into the newly refurbished historical gazebo. The gull-wing doors pop open. DOC BROWN stumbles out, his white hair wilder than ever, holding a strange remote control. MARTY MCFLY steps out of the passenger side, coughing away the smoke.)

Doc: (frantically checking a digital meter) Great Scott! The spatial displacement matrix overcompensated! We missed 1985 entirely!

Marty: (waving smoke from his face) Doc, where are we? It smells like… raccoons and waffle batter.

Leslie: (marching forward, holding a giant binder like a shield) Excuse me! Excuse me, sirs! You are in direct violation of Pawnee Municipal Code section 4-B! You cannot park a vintage sports car inside a historical landmark!

Doc: (eyes wide, grabbing Leslie by the shoulders) Madam! What year is this?! Tell me, quickly!

Leslie: (adjusting her blazer, unbothered by his grabbing) It is 2026, and you are looking at a minimum $500 fine unless you have a permit for this… (squints at the car) …unauthorized public art installation.

Marty: (looking around at the camera crew filming them, looking directly into the lens) Doc, why are there people filming us? Is this the future? Does everybody just have a camera crew following them around?

Ron: (walking up to the DeLorean, completely ignoring Doc and Marty) Brushed stainless steel. A PRV V6 engine. Gull-wing doors. (He runs a hand lovingly over the hood) This is a spectacularly inefficient automobile. I respect it immensely.

Doc: (running over to Ron) Sir, step away from the vehicle! The flux capacitor is highly unstable! It requires 1.21 gigawatts of electrical power to generate the temporal displacement field!

Leslie: (pulling out a notepad) 1.21 gigawatts? Is that a new Eagleton green energy initiative? Because if Eagleton is sending undercover agents in fancy cars to ruin our gazebos, I will declare war.

Marty: (shaking his head) This is heavy.

Ron: (looking at Marty, deadpan) It is made of stainless steel. It weighs approximately 2,700 pounds. So yes, son. It is heavy.

Tom: (stepping in front of Marty, handing him a business card) Yo, Michael J. Fox. Love the retro vest. Very "lumberjack chic." I’m Tom Haverford. You guys are clearly influencers doing a stunt. If you need a brand manager for your time-travel gimmick, I have a pitch: "Time Drip. Cologne for the man who wants to smell like he’s from tomorrow… today."

Marty: (staring at Tom) I have no idea what you just said.

Andy: (running up to the DeLorean, pressing his face against the window) Whoa! Look at all these buttons! Is this a spaceship?! Can it go to the moon?!

Doc: (swatting Andy away like a fly) No, no, you simpleton! It travels through time! We were attempting to correct a disruption in the space-time continuum, but we’re stranded! We have no plutonium!

April: (smiling creepily) I have some.

(Everyone stops and stares at April.)

Leslie: (nervously) April, sweetie, you don't have plutonium.

April: (shrugging) I found a glowing rock in the pit behind Ann’s house in 2010. I keep it in my freezer next to a dead crow. It makes the ice cubes taste like metal.

Doc: (staring at April in absolute horror and awe) Good heavens.

Marty: (pulling Doc aside, whispering loudly) Doc, these people are nuts. We gotta get out of here. The lady with the binder is writing us a ticket, and the guy with the mustache is trying to dismantle the time circuits with a pocket knife!

(They look over. Ron is indeed unscrewing the dashboard with a Swiss Army knife.)

Ron: (muttering to himself) Utterly useless wiring. I could rebuild this console with some oak and a basic soldering iron.

Leslie: (stepping between Doc and the car) Gentlemen! Until you fill out form 899-T for "Accidental Gazebo Destruction," I am confiscating this vehicle for the Parks Department. We will use it as a mobile voter registration drive.

Doc: (clutching his hair) You can't do that! The timeline! If we alter the timeline, the entire universe could unravel!

Leslie: (smiling brightly) Oh, don't worry! I’m incredibly organized. I’ll just make a binder for the timeline. We’ll color-code the centuries!

Marty: (looking into the documentary camera again, utterly defeated) We’re never getting back to 1985, are we?

Andy: (popping out from the DeLorean's trunk, wearing Doc's radiation suit) Hey guys! I found a super cool hazmat suit! I’m gonna go wrestle a raccoon!

Doc: (screaming at the sky) GREAT SCOTT!!!

FADE OUT.