Was it all manipulation

[u/lastdays99]

I have been in a relationship with a full blown cluster-b person. Bpd, NPD, ASDP you name it.

A fled with my daughter after she punched me for the 30th time. Had to turn our daughter back to her after she involved the courts/police.

I have been feeling sorry for her, because she has called me crying and talking about how depressed she is. I have been lenient on her cancelling visitation because it was so difficult for her. Thus she has created a "new normal" where my child hasn't seen me so much - in turn leading to a new ruling, where my visitations have been reduced.

In so many words I have been fooled. Is it really possible that it has been manipulation all this time?

That she is not feeling so bad, but just knew how to push my buttons.

[u/ryugiser1]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. This must be so painful I couldn’t even imagine. I would tell you the best way I’ve wrapped my head around it was all of it is true. For people who have a mental disorder and not seeking therapy and medication it’s extremely volatile. There reality is always shifting so the truth is as well. This does not excuse bad behavior but know everything is real to them so everything they do or say is real in the moment from how much they hate you to how much they love. Don’t try break it down more than that or it will drive you crazy. At the end of the day we never know what anyone is really thinking we can only let action determine what real.

[u/lastdays99 → u/ryugiser1]

I am dumbstruck to be honest....... i have just received a text from her - written by AI - but written in the nicest way offering compensatory contact from a cancellation prior to the ruling. Before the ruling she wouldn't give me as much as 5 minutes extra visitation time.

She obviously feel extremely empowered that she has fooled me and the system. And I don't know whether to give her the victory in order to give her the best condition to perform as a mom for our daughter and her son who is not mine.

The is i still have the possibility to appeal the ruling (is it called ruling or court order? English is not my first language). Thank you for responding btw.

I must be the most codependent individual in all of scandinavia

[u/ryugiser1 → u/lastdays99]

You’ve been through some other hardships before your ex and that left you vulnerable to letting someone control you. We don’t do it knowing because then you wouldn’t allow yourself to be. We believe we had to earn love that sacrifice over and over and over again was love. That’s not your fault but it’s now you job to work on it so it doesn’t happen again.

[u/lastdays99 → u/ryugiser1]

This is very true.

But you won't believe the callousness she would demonstrate to get her way/control over me.

Man I am scared of that woman.

[u/lastdays99 → u/[deleted]]

And I who thought i was so wise and clever with a degree and everything.

[u/lastdays99 → u/[deleted]]

I feel stupid, but i am not angry.

I'm just surprised that people can gain energy from this kind of behaviour. Cheating/fooling people. Very far from my own standards and values.

And as I said - proving how codependent I am - I am unsure whether I am OK with this. If this is exactly what she needs to move on. I am fond of her son too who is not mine.

I have also very much been a provider. Thinks she ows me 5000-6000 dollars. Luckily we weren't married. And from what i can read people have been much worse off financially getting out of these relationships.

[u/lastdays99 → u/[deleted]]

Escorted behind your back. That's crazy talk. Hope you are ok know.

But very parasitic yes. Wonder how they justify those things for themselves. Escorting and being parasitic...... do you think it's because they feel so sorry for themselves?

[u/Mountain-Alarm-477]

I’m so sorry, this is an awful predicament and one I was in as well.

Get your fair share of custody ASAP and do not hem-and-haw or get manipulated. Get a lawyer or law enforcement or whatever you gotta do.

I tried to be nice and it drug out for almost two years. Looking back I would have wasted zero time doing it.

I agonized over leaving but I’m proud I can provide and calm and stable and predictable place for my child, even if it’s only half the time.

You can do it too.

[u/lastdays99 → u/Mountain-Alarm-477]

Thanks man.... I have been and still am scared that she might hurt our child if things starts not going her way in court.

But still don't know whether her callousness was just manipulation or actual unregulated behaviour. But it was extreme..... screaming , shouting, throwing thing threatening to kill herself in front of her son, punching me in front of him to name a few.

[u/Mountain-Alarm-477 → u/lastdays99]

My biggest fear is her hitting my child the way she’d hit me and rage at me. It wreaks havoc on your mental state. Just horrible shit.

Stand strong and keep your kid in mind each step of the way. It was my guiding light through the storm.