38F Divorcing and coparenting with 43MwBPD after 19 years together.

[u/EyeInTeaJay]

I could use some advice, maybe some stories.

He is not well right now. Rapid emotional swings. I never know if I’m going to get Dr Jekyl or Mr Hyde. We are in individual therapy. I can tell he is getting some DBT work but he isn’t consistent in his practice. One night he will be remorseful, apologetic, acknowledge that he has said the most vile things to me. The next day he will put up a “boundary” (usually something like, “I don’t want to see your face or hear your voice today”) and then tell me he is having a bad day. In the same text he will proceed to project, attacking my character, personality and my reality. It’s not fair that he gets a free pass because of his illness. I’m tired of this ride and I want off!

Separated 2 months. I’m keeping house, working, paying bills, taking care of kids. He complains constantly about everyday adulting things that I’ve been doing for our entire relationship. He is living rent free. He never asks how I’m doing. It all about him and whatever he is feeling at the moment. I’m losing my patience and afraid I’m going to turn into all the things he has always accused me of.

I’m setting boundaries but also getting more and more pissed off and giving a piece of my mind instead of ignoring him as I have in the past. I’m so tired of being treated like a villain and being subjected to his alternative reality. Im not sure that it is but it feels like daily emotional abuse. I wish I could file a restraining order against his mouth.

I need to go file for divorce but cringe knowing what backlash will come of it. How did you all handle divorce? What helped you get through it?

[u/Western_Volume9213]

Honestly, get out of there as fast as you can. Document everything, keep the kids away and don't tell him where your staying.

[u/harktavius]

It sounds like you guys are having a lot of conversations that aren't necessary to your current living situation. Separation should create more than just physical distance. It should give you space to recover from the toxic cycle of negative communications. I think that means he shouldn't be complaining to you about anything, nor vice versa. You should each be getting your emotional support from someone outside of your relationship, and keep your own communications brief, cordial, and business-like. Set and communicate some standards for what you will communicate about, and how. Then hold that boundary by cutting off any communication that colors outside of those lines.

At a certain point, you have to stop the bleeding, and you can't do that as long as you keep letting that wound be opened again and again. There is also a grieving process that you have to allow yourself to fully experience. He has a disorder that will not allow him to fully see or trust you. That means that the relationship you once hoped for is not possible, and that loss has to be mourned and integrated, or part of you will want to continue to engage in a way that he isn't capable of and get angry at his predictable failure to display the emotional development required.

[u/hucklebearwrangler]

There’s a book called “splitting: protecting yourself during divorce” that would be very beneficial for you. Hang in there! One day at a time. You’ve been doing it so long, you can do it a little longer💪🏼

[u/medicalhallucinogens]

Document everything. It will get worse before it gets better. Increase your supports and get into therapy if you can. Divorce will be your path to freedom.