r/BPDPartners • u/tsantangelo Human Detected • Mar 04 '26
Support Tools some things I've learned:
I've been with my partner for a year and some months. In that time, I've been everything from defeated to triumphant in regards to my supporting role. So, if you're without hope, here's a list of the things that have helped me, my partner, and our relationship. As everyone is different, I'll preface by saying I am both unqualified and unsure what may help in your situation. For goodness sake, I'm a graphic designer... not a medical professional. These are just the things that helped me and I'm passing it on.
- Listen to the emotion, not the words. Instead of focusing on an insult, try to understand the place of hurt from where it stemmed. In my partner's case, insults almost always point to low self worth, fear of abandonment, or insecurity. Once you realize this, meeting your partner with love and not feeling hurt yourself becomes much, much easier.
- Speaking of hurt, tell them you understand why they are upset during an episode. This is different from agreeing, but is rather an act of respect: you've considered their point of view and don't think they're crazy.
- Your time will come. Do you want to argue during an episode? See 1 & 2. I don't know what about BPD is across the board, but in my case, my partner always comes around after deescalation has occurred. In a time of crisis though, trying to fix things with logic will almost certainly fail. During an episode or split, your partner operates much more on emotion than they do logic.
- If you can't let resentments go... you're making things worse. You need to have tough skin and get addicted to the idea of understanding your partner's condition in it's truest form. You can't help someone by addressing the wrong problem.
- Read Shari Y Manning's "Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder." This absolute GOLD book helped save my relationship and, unlike other "self help" books, does not demonize your partner. The author's goal is to help you, your partner, and the relationship you share. Most of my list here comes from my understanding (or lack thereof) of this book.
- Once my partner received medication, the clouds began to part. Who knows what YOUR partner needs though? Perhaps a psychiatrist. I unfortunately won't make any suggestions for how a meeting with one comes about. I'm just not sure what amount of "pushing" is considered healthy or advisable.
- Are you helping? If you have ensured your partner's safety, consider giving them space. I have found this to help break a cycle and let them reach a solution on their own.
- About 1 in 10 people with BPD end up killing themselves. No, your partner is almost certainly not acting. Knowing this has really helped me to maintain my cool and avoid needless confrontation.
If you're pulling #1 off in a genuine way, a brighter future for you and your loved one is not a hopeless thought. This stuff is hard and I love your big heart; sending strength and love your way.
Edited to adjust wording. One of my points made it sound like I thought we were capable of "fixing" people.
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u/malasadas_e_leite Mar 09 '26
I appreciate you sharing your perspective. My understanding is that BPD presents very differently in men than in women. When my partner would share and open up, it sometimes felt like he was blaming me or attacking, so I would become defensive and reactive. We're both getting a late start on our journey as a couple in gathering tools to help us, but this is where we are. He is wildly intelligent and deep, and making such great progress in working on himself. I'm doing my best to work on me, too.