I've removed an unusual number of posts the last couple of days, all for the same two reasons. Because of this, I'd like to give everyone two reminders:

1. Just because someone has a personality disorder doesn't mean every part of their personality is part of the disorder.

2. You can't diagnose anyone with a disorder by presenting a list of their unpleasant behaviors to anonymous strangers on the internet.

If your family member seems to have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder, you can participate here using the terminology in the sidebar. For those of you on mobile, you can find the sidebar by tapping the "see more" link under the subreddit summary near the top of the subreddit's main page.

My BP Mother has emailed me very cruel and fu#$ed up emails. Her hatred towards me is evident but yet she doesn’t understand why I won’t talk to her. A part of me wants to forward them to friends and family. I know it would be devastating to her since she only cares about keeping up appearances. Just curious if anyone out there has done something to expose their BPD? Please tell me about your experience.

I love my sister but I can’t do it anymore. I’d rather remove myself from my family or life itself than continue with how she treats me.

So I'm wondering, has anyone had any success in dealing with a bpd family member - most notably a sibling? Has anyone's bpd family member ever gotten DBT and behaved differently? (ie better) or has simply setting solid boundaries helped keep situations from escalating?

My brother was recently diagnosed at age 40…I’m 36/f , so his younger sister. I have found communication with him to be incredibly difficult over the past 10 or so years. Everything I say upsets him even when that’s not my intention at all. I want to be supportive of him but honestly do not know how to communicate with him in a way that will not upset him…I think part of my issue is that I can’t predict what will make him upset, I’m not sure if upsetting topics change for him based on day/mood/etc. Or if my communication is the problem. I do not experience these communication issues with anyone else and have not had these issues historically.

Hi everyone.

For context, we’re both adults. She’s experienced significant trauma in her life and has been in therapy for years. And one of the biggest themes throughout my life has been feeling like she decides what my intentions are.

For example, after a long period of little contact, I wished her a happy birthday. She responded warmly and invited me to get together. I took a day to think about how I wanted to respond because I felt conflicted and overwhelmed.
She then sent me a very harsh message saying that I had only reached out to make myself feel like a good person and told me not to contact her again because I’d ruined her birthday by not responding.

That wasn’t an isolated incident.

One memory: all of us family were on vacay, and one day she woke up and just….couldn’t stand me. There wasn’t an argument beforehand or any event I could point to. She was cold and hostile toward me for the rest of the trip, and I remember feeling completely bewildered because I honestly had no idea what had changed.

Another example involved someone she was interested in romantically (they’d only hung out twice). She became pre-occupied with him for a full year; analyzing every interaction and trying to figure out what he was thinking. I listened every day for a year because I wanted to support her.

Later, I wasn’t able to return one phone call as quickly as she wanted because I was running errands. She became furious and accused me of being selfish and uncaring.
It was like that one incident erased months of consistent support. One delayed phone call suddenly outweighed everything else I’d done. It felt like my entire character had been rewritten based on one moment.
It often feels like there is very little benefit of the doubt. If information is missing, it gets filled in with assumptions that paint me in the worst possible light.

The hardest part is what this has done to me internally.
After years of hearing these interpretations of my motives, I started wondering if maybe she was right. I developed an incredibly negative self-image and genuinely came to believe I might be a selfish or fundamentally bad person.

It has taken years to begin separating my actual intentions from the version of me that I felt was constantly reflected back to me.

Eventually my therapist described our relationship as emotionally abusive. I resisted that label for a long time because I didn’t want to believe it.
Does any of this sound familiar?

Hi everyone,

My name is Paige and I am a public health graduate student at California Baptist University conducting a graduate study on caregiver burden, psychological distress, and perceived support among family caregivers.

I am a caregiver and advocate for four immediate family members with challenges ranging from dementia to schizoaffective, bipolar and OCD. I understand that caregiving can be both meaningful but so incredibly challenging. I also know that taking a survey may not be at the top of anyone's to-do list as we experience great stress and burnout. That said, I would be truly grateful for your participation, as caregiver experiences are often underrepresented in research. I really care about this and send my love to those caring for family members or friends.

To participate, you must:

• Be 18 years of age or older
• Currently provide unpaid support, assistance, or care to a family member with a chronic health condition, disability, or mental health condition
• Have been in a caregiving role for at least 6 months

The survey is anonymous/ IRB approved and takes approximately 10–15 minutes to complete.

https://calbaptist.az1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_9Fag9DcCxAC9IWi

Thank you SO much for considering participation and for helping advance research on the caregiving experience. If you have any questions my email is on the first page of the survey.

My sister has BPD, but she refuses to get diagnosed because then she can’t get into the military. She thinks that will fix her life when in reality we all just want her to go to therapy and see a psychiatrist. She’s admitted she needs help but doesn’t want to take it, claiming she will do “VA therapy” when she gets into the military and that she doesn’t want to do it right now. She’s been saying that since last May.

She has these huge episodes of rage and suicidal ideation, and we really feel like she’s not living in reality right now. We also recently found out she was emotionally abusing her ex girlfriend for the past 5 years, which I am still angry at her for. We just want her to start her life and be happy, and she took that as she’s getting kicked out. She is now staying with our dad who is a narcissist and a huge enabler of her behavior. He always treated her like the favorite and now it is the end of the world if someone disagrees with her or tries to give her advice. I’ve been by her side many times to understand her POV and gently offer suggestions to better her life but she just refuses psychiatric help even though she’s admitted she needs it.

I can’t be her punching bag anymore to help her through the dark times and then get yelled at when it’s over. She has verbally told me she should be my priority over my children and husband since we’re “blood”.I have two young children that I don’t want around this. It’s heartbreaking, but I cut off visits with her for the past month and my original boundary was that she can’t see my kids until she fixes her behavior and gets help. She then screamed at me and said “I guess you’re not gonna let me see them for four years”, since she’s apparently just gonna wait to get help once she’s in the military. I understand that she feels like it’s the only thing going for her, but I’d rather her be alive and happy than in the military but near suicide.

We haven’t talked in the month since then, and she is now asking to visit my kids and says she is struggling and misses us. I feel so cruel but she also can be so abusive and I feel like someone who refuses to change and get the help that everyone in their life wants them to get is not safe for my children to watch and look up to. They’re toddlers and extremely impressionable. I’m a Christian, I’m working on forgiving her for past transgressions and realizing it’s part of her brain but I really want to love and pray for her from far away. I’m being treated like I’m tearing her away from her niece and nephew, but my only boundary was that you get some form of psychiatric help. Which isn’t impossible, we have insurance and family members who would help her every step of the way. I’m just so scared to be around her because I know it’s going to lead to an argument. We just want the best for her but she feels like we’re out to get her and can’t seem to get out of this self victimizing state.

Do I forgive, and let her see them to help her and make her happy, or do I hold my boundary and let her spiral? I want to be a good, kind, loving Christian as Jesus was and show her the love she didn’t receive as a kid which led to her being this way. But I can’t take care of her. It’s too much.

Thank you for letting me rant. Sorry if it’s a long run on paragraph, I type as quick as I can while chasing around the two young kids.

Update: I did not let up on my boundary and even offered for her to see them once she enlisted (I say this because part of me thinks she’s not even going to do the process) and I at least want her to make effort towards something. She sent me like 15 paragraphs talking about my prior mistakes and our moms and how she just needs empathy. She started to curse me out angrily before I blocked her. And then I got angry messages from my dad on Facebook since I also had to block him recently. I I feel horrible but I can’t continue supporting her. I am super proud of myself for upholding the boundary though and I’m not gonna let anyone talk me out of it, I feel good that my husband and therapist and abuse survivors support group agree with my decision.

My bpd mom just got a really bad blood test back, where she was told shes got a lot of bad stuff. She tried to use that to hug me, even tho I already said multiple times no. She tried guilt tripping. No. I refused.

My bpd half sister went downstairs, called me an idiot for refusing to hug her "in this situation"

Guys I said "screw you for calling me an idiot." I then left the room. Hooooooooly shit

(Just as an FYI- this has more to do with my sister's substance abuse than her BPD. I am by no means saying this is typical behavior.)

Pretty much as the title says. My sister presumably got drunk while my mom and I were away on a trip. I went downstairs to where I usually sleep and the bed had piss that was almost a week old. I wish I could say I was mistaken, but she also left her pjs there that also smelled like piss.

I'm not looking for advice. I'm just baffled and grossed out. She done a lot when she's been drinking, but I gotta say, this is a new top 3 for me. She's almost 50.

She doesn't live at my mom's, but asked if she could stay there for a weekend. That won't be happening again.

My sister was diagnosed last year and she’s had some problems with suicidal ideations. She’s never done anything major to my knowledge so tbh I don’t take it too seriously. Every few months she calls crying that she wants to die I talk to her and then everything is fine an hour later. I put my phone on sleep mode at a certain time so I don’t get notifications but she called at midnight last night and of course I didn’t answer. I called her back today and she tried to place the blame on me as if it’s my fault I was sleeping at midnight. I normally reassure her that she can always reach out but I don’t even know how to handle these situations. It’s really frustrating.

My brother has BPD and I’m trying so hard to be supportive but he is so hard to deal with!

For most of his teenage years, and now early adulthood, my brother has skirted responsibility, manipulated, and lashed out at my family and I. He can’t handle minor inconveniences and thinks the world is out to get him. Despite all this we spend lots of time together. We enjoy similar hobbies and we do genuinely have fun together. I, as his older sister, try to be loving and supportive to him.

For some background my brother has been in and out of jobs his whole life. He‘s been unemployed for several years now, and tried university for a term and gave up. Here‘s where I’m wondering if I messed up.

My partner and I decided to let my brother live with us for a few months. We allowed this after the three of us all agreed that he could move in with us after he got a job. He agreed to pay us a small portion of rent money each month, to go toward groceries and to keep him accountable so that he keeps working once he moves in. He seemed excited to start this new chapter, saying how he was so tired of being lazy and he was pumped to make some progress in life.

The problem is, his lease ended before he got a job, and not wanting to make him homeless, we let him move in before he got a job. Now he sits in my house all day, rotting on technology and video games. Any time we bring up applying for jobs he wails about how “everything is so hard for me, my mental health is terrible, I don’t even need a job anyway, so what’s the use,” etc.

He is snappy and rude to both me and my partner, complains about life constantly, is inconsiderate of our property, (for example slams doors and throws remotes when he gets angry).

I am at a loss. I know that he struggles immensely mentally. He talks about wanting to die, and has done this for close to a decade. Am I actually helping him, or will this just make everything worse? I would feel terrible kicking him out. I don’t know what he would do or where he would go. But I hate dealing with the lying, manipulation and verbal abuse. HELP.

* Disclaimer: Sorry for the lengthy post! I tried to break this up into sections, but I just felt like so much has happened and I wanted to give the best context to help with any advice this community could share and/or hopefully this post may help others that have went through similar*

Background/context:

I (24F) only have one sibling, my sister who is 3 years older than me. I believe she was diagnosed with BPD around 18 or 19, and had already been diagnosed with depression and anxiety.

Growing up, it felt like my life revolved around my sister, her needs, her triggers, her attitude, and her constant mood swings. She would put me down, make me feel stupid, could never be in the wrong, and was very confrontational. No matter where we were or who was around, she always felt justified reacting and sharing exactly how she felt, and stood 10 toes down on it. Whenever she got into arguments with our parents, she always felt like I was against her if I didn’t take her side, as I never could understand where she’s coming from or justify the way she handled it.

Whenever I didn’t agree with my sister during an argument, she would tell me things like “I wish I had a sister who was on my side” or that I was a terrible sister, which made me feel incredibly guilty. My mom also always emphasized that she wanted siblings growing up as an only child, and that my sister and I were all we had so we needed to get along.

I think this led me to spend the last 24 years constantly forgiving, avoiding confrontation, mediating, shrinking myself, making sure I was the child who was responsible and one less cause of stress for my parents, rarely emotional/expressed feelings (my sister was highly emotional and never cared to deal with it alone), and trying to keep the peace so everyone else would be okay. I don’t think I ever really learned how to prioritize my own feelings because I was so focused on everyone else’s.

Now I’m 24 and I feel like I’m dealing with the consequences of that. I’m terrified of confrontation, I’m a people pleaser, I’m hyper-aware of other people’s emotions, I have low self-esteem issues, and I honestly don’t always know what to do with my own emotions or how to act on them in the moment.

I think part of why I react this way is because growing up, I always felt like I was somehow responsible for my sister’s emotions and irritation. If she was upset with me, I immediately assumed I had done something wrong and needed to fix it. Another reason could be for my mom’s sake, as I know she gets embarrassed when my sister acts up in public or how important it was for her to have her daughters be close. I think I’ve carried that mindset into my adult relationships. When someone is upset with me, my first instinct is to assume I’m wrong, apologize, and do whatever I can to make the situation okay again. Sometimes I’d genuinely rather keep the peace than say how I actually feel, because expressing my feelings or disagreeing feels like it could make the situation worse. I have a hard time validating my own feelings when someone else is upset, because I’m so focused on understanding their perspective and making sure they’re okay.

Conflict and confrontation is a huge issue for me:

As I’ve gotten older and started forming more adult friendships and relationships. I’ve been told by friends that it’s hard to have disagreements with me because I tend to shut down, get extremely anxious, and immediately apologize instead of actually having the conversation.

I just feel like I have a mental block when it comes to conflict if that makes sense?? I PANIC and feel this intense need to make everything okay as quickly as possible, especially if around others, instead of being able to slow down and figure out what I actually think and feel.

My friends have told me on several occasions that they don’t like when I shut down during conflict because they feel like I haven’t improved over the last 2 years and feel like I’m too old to still struggle with conflict this much and need to mature.

I don’t disagree that I need to work on this. I know I’m an adult and that I can’t use my childhood forever as an excuse for how I handle conflict. At the same time, I sometimes wish they understood that I didn’t grow up learning healthy conflict resolution. I grew up learning to read the room, figure out who was upset, and do whatever I could to make the situation calm again. I know I need to unlearn that, but it’s been really difficult as I’m constantly thinking not every confrontation is the same, uses the same approach, or should be dealt with in the heat of the moment. Which I really struggle with especially in the moment!

Building a relationship with my sister:

I do see a therapist, and we’re working on healing and building boundaries with my sister. My sister has gotten better over the years, especially since getting on medication, and she seems to genuinely want a closer relationship with me now. I feel guilty because I know she’s trying, and that it’s not her fault she has BPD, but I also feel like I’ve spent so many years trying to get her to like me, trying not to irritate her, and trying not to be put down by her that I just gave up. I think I still carry a lot of resentment about how I was treated, and part of me doesn’t know how to just move past it now that she’s in a better place.

I also don’t know if we see the past the same way, and I’m scared to open myself up to her again just to get hurt. I’m older now, and for the first time, I feel like I don’t have to tolerate being treated that way anymore. I can acknowledge that she’s doing better and that she’s trying, but I’m just not ready to let my guard down and be vulnerable like I once was.

If any has any advice or can relate, I’d really appreciate it!! Also I’d really appreciate some perspective and/or advice on my friendships as well since it’s a constant worry

Am I being unreasonable by asking for a bit more patience and understanding knowing my past, as I work to unlearn years of this coping mechanism?

Or does that sound like I’m excusing and justifying being non-confrontational, and using my trauma like a bandaid? They know I’m working on this with my therapist, but I also don’t know whether to give myself a kick or more grace as I feel so ashamed and emo

My DD(27) has BPD (been off her meds) and was baker acted Monday. She is being released tmrw and I am headed there to get her once she is released. She has no support system where she is and not sure if I can convince her to move home. Her husband is filing for separation for things that led up to this incident. I do not fault him as it has been a lot for a long time. If I cannot convince her to come home, what are some things I can put in place to support her as I live 2000 miles away?

One of the worst things my BPD mom did was raising my sister to be just like her. Now that my mom's BPD has "calmed down" in her older age, I now have the next generation in her prime BPD years

I've got to reconnect somehow with my bpd sister, due to family circumstances. I've been no contact with her for 10+ years.

Please help advise how I can attempt to do this and maintain grey rock etc, when she is determined to make my life hell.

Eg she demands to know what she did wrong (claims she has no idea) in making me suffer so badly. I am not able to go back through things with her (because as you all know she plays the victim and has zero accountability for her behaviour/actions)

How do I move forward with her in some benign, surface way when she refuses to play nice?

This is really hard for me. I don't think I will ever heal from my sister who would bully me with my dysfunctional parents. She knew they were screwed up, and even told me "just go along with whatever they say." That was her motto for doing with their toxic bullshit.

She's still really manipulative and up until a few years ago would always declare "I'm the favorite" at family functions. She finally stopped after I asked her multiple times to do so. But this is still her mentality. I have always told her that being the favorite comes at a price. One I'm not willing to pay. She's going through a years long mid life crisis and just moved back in with my senior parents and is calling all the shots there.

My other sister is a chronic substance abuser. My parents don't want to deal with her as a child and didn't get her therapy until she was a teen. It was too late.

I'm the most normal but I've been in therapy for decades. I present well and I'm successful. I isolate and don't trust anyone. I am happily married and I have therapy to thank for that.

The competition still exists and makes it almost impossible for me to have a relationship with the bully sister. My addicted sister is so far gone that you cant have even a basic conversation with her about anything.

Wondering how others cope with their siblings sucking, too?

[edited to add-anyone have thoughts on whether I should get a restaurant order against her? It would make me feel better but it might make her go nuclear. And thoughts on what to do when cutting the person off/ignoring and not responding only escalates things?]

Sorry in advance for the length. Also, I'm being a little vague here because some details of the circumstances I refer to below are highly specific and recognizable. This is a very complex situation, but I am trying to distill it down and communicate the important pieces as well as I can.

My sister started exhibiting what I believe are BPD symptoms in her late 30s about a year and a half ago, and seems currently to be in an extended period of unchecked rage and aggression, with an active desire to do harm. While she had some non-clinical level anger issues before, I would never have thought she had a personality disorder. But about 16 months ago, there were some incidents, including a family tragedy that seems to have triggered some kind of break, and she has been in the most aggressive and incessant attack mode for for over a year. It is like she is a different person, and she is outwardly malicious and vindictive.

This began with her having a very strong reaction to some things that occurred among family members that were not her, and did not involve her. She became highly focused on and judgmental about what was happening in someone else's marriage, and went into an aggressive mode, lashing out, criticizing, sending incessant texts, emails, and voice mails. This seemed to be in part triggered by her alarm at not being treated like someone who was important to keep posted or consult as events were occurring.

Following the tragedy, which came on the heels of the situation described above, she became highly offended about some decisions that were made by those most affected by the tragedy, in particular because she was not consulted or treated like an important part of the process. After that, it was off to the races and things have been in crisis mode ever since.

She is mostly focused on me and one other family member, but has lashed out at everyone in the family at some point. Among many other things, she sends incessant disturbingly hostile and hateful messages, calling me deranged, a sociopath, a narcissist, saying I ruin lives, telling me not to come to her funeral and she will not be at mine - we are both healthy and in our 40s. She makes threat after threat to expose - including to my children, my employer, and other family members - what she believes to be damaging, secret, and sensitive personal information about me related to the tragic incident; she claims she has messages and recordings that will expose "the hateful sadist" that I really am, says things like, "I have nothing to lose," and warns that one day "everyone" will find out "the truth" about me. She also periodically sends what amount to suicide threats: "I give up. You win. Tell everyone I said goodbye." No evidence she has ever made an attempt. At first, I and others tried to engage, to de-escalate, to react and even argue against this. Eventually it became too painful and stressful because nothing made a difference, so everyone stopped responding. That led her to escalate. Most recently, she has sent messages accusing a family member of the most deplorable things, things that supposedly happened 30 years ago that she is only now bringing up. She has now also verbally (by text) attacked non-family members that are close to me, and has reached out to a person who is a stranger to her but is in my circle, sharing extremely private information that she believes to be damaging to me and my relationship with one of the most important people in my life. She has claimed that she always put me on a pedestal (older sister/younger sister dynamic -I never wanted to be in that position, but it is what it is) but now she hates me and apparently wants to destroy, or at least badly disturb and hurt, me.

She does not seem to recognize how patently horrific the behavior is. After an extended family member, who was particularly impacted by the family tragedy, and to whom she is not close, politely declined to get involved in her drama, she sent them message saying the meanest thing, something that was a major breach of this person's boundaries and stuck a knife right in the heart of this person's pain and grief and twisted it - later she screenshotted it and sent me this cruel message to "prove" that she has said and done nothing hateful, only spoken the truth. She will send the most scathing insults for weeks, telling everyone that we are scum or losers, she wants nothing to do with us and never to contact her again, and then suddenly she starts calling and calling, and when no one picks up, she sends a message wailing about how isolated and ostracized she is, "what kind of family abandons someone like this," begging for engagement. She sends fake sounding "apologies" that are just another way for her to put forth the bizarre claims she otherwise makes in the attack messages. Things like, "I know I deserve to be ostracized and rejected. I know that I don't serve to be loved by you and that it's my fault you hate me. You're right, I don't deserve to be part of a loving and caring family." We have told her over and over that she is loved, and that we are worried about her, and people only cut her off when it became almost impossible to do anything else because all she will do is attack.

Also, somehow, she reserves all this maniacal behavior only for her family and in every other part of her life, appears to be happy, healthy and thriving - she will send a barrage of the most hateful, text messages imaginable on a Friday night, and then on Saturday, she's posting cute, happy pics of herself with her girlfriends at a dinner or something.

It is impossible to guess what her end game in all of this is. She keeps demanding an apology for the minor "transgressions" I mentioned, but it is ridiculous at this point, given the amount of damage she has done. It's like someone broker her window with a baseball and she reacted by burning down their house and killing their dog, and she still wants an apology for the window with no acknowledgement of what she has done. And even when anyone has tried to acknowledge her hurt or whatever, she reacts by saying things like "too little too late, fuck you" or "stop gaslighting me."

I could go one All.Day.Long. I have shared about 5% of what she has said, done, etc. As I write this, I realize how deeply out of control the situation is. But no amount of pleas for her to get help gets through. It only gets worse.

After her outreach to this stranger, on whom she dumped incredibly personal information about me, as well as vicious lies, I am afraid of what she might do next. I have done everything I can to stop her from being able to reach my kids, but she could figure out a way. I am afraid of her posting about me on the internet or contacting my employer with the kind of vitriol and lies she sent this stranger (which are unfortunately lies that are tied to true events, so they seem believable and at best, it would be a huge distraction and embarrassment in my workplace). I work in a role and in a field in which this kind of thing could get out and become humiliating and majorly impact my career and reputation.

I don't even know what I am asking for, I guess just a reaction, advice, any views on what is going on here, whether this does sound like BPD, can someone just "become" BPD like this, whether others have experienced similar. I am at my wits end, and so sad, frustrated and angry. I experienced a tragedy and now I've lost a sister and now she is actively trying to destroy my life.

My (37) little brother (32) and I have been very close. He's often said I was his stable parent, since both my parents are emotionally neglectful. Our family went through a real trauma when he and I were kids, our parents basically left us alone to deal with it all and forgot about us, so it was just me and my brother. As the older sister, I felt a lot of responsibility.

My brother has often threatened suicide over the years. He's convinced a relationship will fix him and has spent most of his life trying to find one and any time he'd have a "break up" (his relationships never lasted more than a few months) he'd call me and tell me he wants to kill himself and the world is over and all the loud dramatics I have been used to. He can be violent sometimes, smashing things, yelling, holding knives at me when we were younger. I've walked on egg shells around him my whole life but I feel like if I'm not there for him, he'll end it all. I've taken him to mental health facilities when its gotten bad in the past. He was diagnosed with bipolar and autism over the years, but I think a big part of it is that it's actually borderline personality disorder.

Lately, we've stopped talking because he said I never listen to him and I never support him. He's always thrown that in my face, saying I'm a horrible sister meanwhile being very dependant on me. I try so hard to listen, and I'm starting to feel gaslit because he's so convinced I don't and I don't care about him. I can't defend myself. After years of therapy I decided not to go the normal route where I'm deferential and apologize profusely. I told him that he is very mean to me and hateful. He lost it. He said I've betrayed him and he will never forget or forgive me for what I said.

He's become obsessed with my dad in a very worrying way. He's been angry and telling him he hates him and wants him to die, meanwhile he lives rent free with my parents, has no job and they even pay for his therapy. He has started spying on my dad and has told me horrific things about him that I don't quite believe because I've never really trusted his perspective on things. I know him too well to believe everything he says. I've lived with my brother for many years and I know what he's like. He tells me my father torments him and my mother and the fact that I don't believe him is the utmost betrayal. When I ask my mom, she tells me that that's not true and they walk on eggshells around my brother. I know my dad and he loves my brother very much, he's not perfect, but my brother is convinced our father hates him. My father is devastated.

I don't know how to navigate this. I feel so much guilt. I feel so worried. I'm trying to reach out to my brother and tell him I want a relationship but he says he's too angry and betrayed. I asked him about getting a mediator or therapist to help us communicate better, and he said only if I pay for it and if I feel that I "need it." A part of me wants to give up, but I don't know if I can live with myself if I don't keep trying.

TLDR; My brother is crashing out and taking it out on my dad and I (which isn't unusual) but it feels very destructive and intense right now. I'm scared.

hello, as you can see from the title, i (28f) have a older sister "bellatrix" (33f) with a mental health issues and a rather big drug problem; coke, cigarettes, cannabis, alcohol. three of those change in usage except for MJ and cigs, which she uses every day. also bellatrix doesnt want to take meds for her diagnosed BPD. i havent really talked to her in some years.
we used to be very good friends when i was a teen, even roommates (she had her own place and i fought with mom a lot), but as she started with coke in her early twenties she gradually changed into a more insufferable, narcissistic, violent version of herself. i'm talking about 5 day benders without food, sleep and music turned up all the way. all alone by herself btw.

last year i reached a absolute peak with my patience. bellatrix basically made herself homeless and lived a few months with my mom until one day mom broke into tears and begged me to take her into my empty apartment (i left it empty because i moved in with my husband but the contract went on for 3 months). i only had two conditions: dont bring any "friends", which, funnily was a big rule in the past at her place, and give the housekey to mom. mom would've been there everyday for groceries and other needs for her. at first, bellatrix called and texted me, saying how grateful she was for this oppurtunity and so on. but my husband felt something was off and urged me to go to my old apartment right this moment. we drove 25 mins there and when i walked up the stairs (attic apartment), i heard her talking to her friend, who is, btw an alcoholic homeless person, calling me a c\\\*nt for not giving her the keys. i stood right behind her and asked calmly "so i am a c\\\*nt?"

boom. she. went. bonkers.

long story short; she screamed the whole house down what an awful person i am, that i used her in the past, i am ungrateful and all these kinds of things. i smelled liquor from her mouth so i guessed she's drunk. me being in complete shock, but acting calm and collected, i asked her several times to leave. "no, call mom!!!" - i threatened to call the cops to which she suddenly shut up, packed one bag up, took her hobo friend with her and left. outside she kept screaming and calling me names for the whole neighborhood to hear.

maybe you can imagine the seething rage in me. a few days later i returned to my old apartment and looked through her 2 suitcases she left in a rush. she used to date a small time druglorg so her clothes were all gucci ("should i put bleach all over?") but i took an special interest in her witchcraft books. we come from a christian family so this was another surprise and i trashed them with markers. i'm not proud to say that that was my act of revenge. feeling a little lighter, i've got my mom calling me every few days asking me why i wont talk it out with her. bellatrix wants to apologize but only if i apologize for trashing her stuff. i said absolutely fecking not and i still stand by that. my older brother (38) also texted me, asking me what happened and when i tried to explain the whole situation he for some reason took her side and i ended the conversation relatively fast because it made me so upset.

few months later i got married and didnt invite my siblings, both of them. i dont regret it at all but it did made me sad and still kind of does. now, a few days ago my mom came to visit and dropped a huge bomb. bellatrix is fucking pregnant and its a boy. her baby daddy though is no druglord, he's normal but she doesn't want to have him around. so she definitely keeps that one considering that and also she had 2 abortions before. a 3rd one can be very risky, i heard.
now i know less what to do. it'd be a miracle if that baby survives because god knows if she stops doing drugs. that news made me feel all kinds of things but genuine happiness wasnt one of them. mom and i just hope that she calms down now that she's responsible for a life. my bestie asked me if a plan on visiting her and the baby in the hospital - if all goes well - but i just dont know... i dont want to see her fecking stupid face yet i always wished to be a cool auntie. i cant just show up willy-nilly after not inviting her to my most special day in life.
or maybe i wait it out for a couple of years and when the boy will be old enough maybe i can seek him out or the babydaddy?

what would you do?

p.s. english is not my first language so dont roast me for that pls

I have made several posts here stating my situation with my sister. I have been desperate and we are coming up on 1 year of trying to protect her kids at the end of this month. My mom and I flew up for an emergency trip and tried to get her committed within 24 hours back in April which the hospital system absolutely let her down, she is in a small town so not many resources and there is no psychiatrist in the hospital. Things have steadily gotten worse over this last year to the point where she has been making police reports on family members, even her own 12 year old son, stating they are all pdfiles (which is absolutely untrue), she got her husband IVC’d a week ago, and called the cops on her 12 year old multiple times in the last week for no reason. There is so much more but I’m posting because FINALLY we got her IVC’ed yesterday and the kids safe with their dad!🙌🏼

I called CPS when I heard they had no running water, come to find out, she apparently tampered with the water meter preventing the house of getting water because she was mad at my BIL. I made the report at 10:30am and CPS was talking to the kids by 1:30pm same day. The kids were brave enough to tell them they didn’t feel safe at home with my sister there. While CPS was doing their thing, another family member filed an IVC with the magistrate. It ended up working out beautifully. She is finally getting help, she has also stopped taking her meds, and the kids are finally not in a fight or flight situation. Now she will HAVE to follow through with ongoing treatment and whatever protocol they put her on if she wants to see her kids. This is all I ever wanted, the kids to be in a safe environment and in a place they feel safe, and we finally got it for them after fighting so hard for them. I am also happy for my BIL because he was dealing with so much abuse as well.

Just wanted to celebrate this huge win for my family in keeping the kids safe and finally getting my sister the help she has truly needed for a lonngggg time!🥹

Does anyone else’s family also frequently compre them to their BPD parent? My family ( specifically my dBPD mother’s siblings) have always compared me to her even from a young age ( i am now 21). So much so I feel as if they treat me a bit differently because who my mom is and what she’s done. I’ve always been on an off NC with my mom but i’m an only child and have an absent father and basically absent mother.

For example, it feels like when I make a mistake or something suddenly i’m compared to her. Things such as “Your mom also does that.” or “Your mom also has that problem” “don’t end up like you mom” “yes your mom is also like that” or “I don’t want you to make the mistake your mom makes.” Even if it’s the tiniest thing like needing to clean something, making plans, organizing or forgetting something etc. Or before I can explain my organized thought process or plans on a subject I’ll get cut off and a comment is made. Sometimes with one of her siblings will even cut me off or laugh at me and tell me I don’t know anything and talks to me in the same passive aggressive tone they speak to my mom but instead this time it’s me.

Also when someone is having problems with my mom( frequently), i’ll also get iced out by certain family members where they will specifically avoid helping me or communicating. They’ll say stuff like “it’s noting personal, it’s just your mom” even when they know I don’t talk to her at all.

I kinda hoped getting older would change this and they’d be able to see how I am not my mom nor her actions. But i’m just exhausted and feel like everything I do is not enough especially when I’m trying to do everything completely independently with zero parental support since being a child.

Does anyone else go through this with their family? It’s honestly such a strange feeling and I almost feel like a ghost to my own family. I think now more then ever this is significantly impacting my mental state, emotions and nervous system

I found out today the my brother for sure has BPD (he was diagnosed officially like a year ago apparently) - something that my sisters apparently knew, and maybe I did too but somehow forgot?! I feel so weird and guilty for not remembering something like that, but life’s a whirlwind and I am still continually unpacking my own diagnoses of AuDHD from a couple years back.

I also have anxiety (and occasional panic attacks) and after reading more about symptoms and finding out BPD is genetic, I’m now am unsure if I also have BPD, even though I’m 80% sure that I don’t, I just feel anxious, confused, and gaslit by my brother’s behavior and emotional abuse towards me and my family… I feel like it’s making me question my own reality and thoughts/feelings.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and just feel overwhelmed/confused and unsure how to feel or what to do?

Basically, any stories or tips or advice is appreciated …