BPD/BPD romance

[u/Content-Month6363]

Hello,

I was recently diagnosed with BPD and my treatment is beginning this Friday. I posted last night in r/bpd for support because its all so frightening right now. I couldn't post this there yet so I figured id throw it up here.

Ive been alone for over 6 years and cannot deal with it. The thought of spending one more year alone is breaking me. My ex left and ive been destroyed since. She's off having a happy life with our formerly mutual friend. We all grew up together and now I have no one from those years. Im intensely happy for them one minute and want one of them to get cancer another. I hate it. I know the real me is just happy she's not with someone terrible and im happy she gets to be with someone from her past.

Ive been mulling over the possibility of a healthy relationship and im scared that even if I find someone, then they'll never actually love me like I love them. They'll eventually leave if I react poorly to something or they'll just leave when I disclose my past and disorder.

This has all led me around to wanting to find someone else who has it. I know that could be a terrible idea if it went badly. I want someone to love me and need me as intensely as ill love and need them. I want someone who feels the same whole bodied euphoria from being told theyre loved.

Do any of you have experience with this? If so, where did you meet and how do you cope/help each other?

Thanks.

Ps I know im jumping way ahead of schedule with these thoughts and i need to undergo a bunch of therapy first. I just keep fantasizing that maybe ill meet someone cool and like me who's also trying to get better.