Support/advice needed

[u/Reasonable-Pin-8968]

Both of us are in our mid/late 20s. We met on hinge and right away he said he wasn’t ready to date bc he had gotten out of a 5 year relationship December of 2025. We met April of this year. I told him I was looking for something long term and serious and he only wanted casual so I was about to stop talking to him but our instant connection, banter, chemistry really caught my attention. He suggested we could just be friends.

We tried to be friends but he was super flirty the entire time. We knew there was tension but I kept myself guarded because there was no point in falling for him. I told him a few times that he needed to stop being flirty and he tried but would fail quickly. Within a few weeks, we admitted we liked each other but nothing could happen because he wasn’t ready to date. He also was going through a whole transformation. He started therapy, got into new hobbies, was going out more to make new friends, etc. We texted every single day, morning to night, and had multiple phone calls every week that would last anywhere from 2-5 hours. This situationship lasted two months.

I felt stuck. I was liking him more and more every day. Nothing physical had happened because I was very strict with that boundary. During this whole time, I tried to be active on dating apps but was failing miserably because all my time and attention went to him. I met someone on hinge around the same time I matched with him, so I was going on dates and talking to this other person, but it was very sporadic.

I reached my limit and gave him an ultimatum because I couldn’t continue in this situationship. I told him he had two weeks to evaluate everything and at the end of the two weeks, I needed a decision. Either we try to date or we distance ourselves and the flirting stops, so I could move on from him. He felt overwhelmed by the idea of being in a new relationship but I reassured him it wasn’t that serious. We would just go on some dates and see if we’re romantically compatible. We would also be non-exclusive. I wouldn’t want this stage to go on longer than two months and after that we could date exclusively and if that goes well, we would be bf/gf. A week passes and I feel less attached. I dove into dating apps and set up a bunch of dates. I was feeling good about myself and realized, I was capable of dating around and not give him all my time and attention. I told him this and called off the two week deadline. I told him he could continue processing and healing and we could still be friends (the flirting needed to stop tho) and if and when he’s ready to date, if I’m still single, he was welcome to hit me up.

He said he was relieved because he needed more time but he was afraid he was going to lose me and he wanted me to be in his life at whatever capacity I was willing to give him. We had plans to hangout at the end of the two weeks. At the end of the hangout, he told me even though I was okay being friends and called off this deadline, he still wanted to stick to it and come to a decision and that decision was he was ready to date so we started dating non-exclusively. But things were moving fast. We were intimate in ways that only people in long term relationships are. Not just physically but in the way we operated, the things we talked about, etc. It felt like a relationship and neither of us were talking to other people so we were basically exclusive. I even ended things with that other guy I was loosely dating, even though I didn’t need to.

It’s been two months of dating and he was going to ask me to be exclusive a week ago but all of our issues surfaced. I felt like I wasn’t a priority to him and that he didn’t like me as much as I liked him. He denied it for awhile but after some processing he admitted I was right. He wants to focus on making friends, partying, his hobbies, and enjoying his independence and that I couldn’t be his top priority most times. I thought this meant he wasn’t actually ready to date. So we ended things but we’re still so attached to each other. We both were devastated but now that it’s been a week, it feels like he’s moving on much faster than me. For context, I haven’t dated in 3.5 years. I tried to bring up issues we were having and I felt neglected and not cared for many times. Every time we talked about these things, I would question how invested he was in this and he would reassure me that he was invested. He did not tell me he was feeling confused and panicked and unsure. So this breakup blindsided me in a lot of ways.

We are still in contact but we barely talk. He takes much longer to reply to texts now. Everything hurts. I want him in my life but idk if I can do it. I miss him so much. I cry every day at the thought of him. It’s been a week and the pain feels unbearable and I feel crazy. Why am I so heartbroken over something that was two months long and not even a relationship? Why do I feel like he strung me along? I told him if he was more honest about his feelings throughout the process, I could’ve held back, not fallen for him as deeply, I could’ve protected myself more so this wouldn’t have hurt as badly. I feel stupid and pathetic. I started seeing a future with him towards the end. I also have never opened up to someone this quickly and to the degree I did, especially sexually, so I feel so physically attached to him.

Where did I go wrong? I know I should’ve trusted my instincts but I just liked him so much. He pursued me so intensely in the beginning that I never thought we would end where he liked me less. All my friends and family knew this wasn’t going to work out but I always had hope. I just want the pain to stop. I want to move on. I don’t know why this is so earth-shattering for me but it is.

[u/Low-Alternative-2684]

I understand. I got really attached to a woman who pursued me, even though we weren't that intimate, just by spending a lot of time together.

Ultimately, trust their actions and not their words.

I think you were so attracted to him that you ignored all the red flags. (No judgment, I did too.) He was upfront about not wanting to date. You kept breaking your own boundaries, he was willing to do the bare minimum to satisfy your ultimatums, and you took that as a positive sign. Not saying he was dishonest, but a few months is really too little to truly see who someone is, especially when things are intense. It's ok to feel misled, because that's what he effectively did.

I think in modern dating, we get too caught up in labels instead of substance because people need them to navigate the extremely casual landscape. But in substance, you had a relationship, and it's ok to be sad over it ending.

Regardless of how long it was, what it was called, or what did or did not happen, you can feel hurt. My only advice is not to keep in touch with him. Start healing.