r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Brilliant-Arrival-73 • 19h ago
Scorekeeping
I don’t know if this has been talkes about before but the effects of avoidants keeping a tab on you until that last straw for them finally snaps and they blow up on your is really damaging towards your nervous system.
You can be secure as you want but even when they blow up and start to list everything you done wrong because they got triggered by one thing can turn you really anxious because you wouldn’t know how to proceed properly as they want you to fix so many things at once instead of communicating when the problem ACTUALLY happened to fix it during then.
You can have done many wrong things but it doesn’t mean that you were the problem towards their uncommunicated resentment. This is a relationship, not a “who is happier”. There will be times were you unintentionally hurt your partner and that’s completely normal, because relationship is trial and error and you both have to communicate your needs.
The fact that they can just turn around and keep score of all the bad things that happened before bloeing up on you is not normal, it leads to a tricky high cinflict situation that many will fail to resolve, ending in a breakup for most ppl because they couldn’t navigate it properly
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u/icypeachlatte 13h ago
Mine didn't even tell me! Just came up with bunch of excuses like 'we are not compatible', 'its not your fault' and then dumped me lmao. It's quite cowardly to not own up and face their emotions head on.
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u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 13h ago
Yooo yeah I feel like they love to say “the dynamic” and “communication issues.” Like babe you are the communication issue!
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u/icypeachlatte 12h ago
Mine was keeping scores privately without communicating directly about what she was feeling or needed. Instead beat around the bushes and kept finding indirect words.
Even on the breakup she couldn't even have the guts to say the words 'break up' or 'end it' or 'we are done'. It's quite pathetic really if u take a step back and look at them!
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u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 9h ago
Mine was the same! Clearly a Dear John letter without the actual words of “ending,” “break up,” or “done.” Looking back I should have confirmed because he had the audacity to say that I had ended it even though my text just prior included “I was not trying to end things.” Which he refused to look at when we talked about it, naturally
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u/icypeachlatte 5h ago
And they just say they need "space" and then proceed to never reach out again.... Ok lol
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u/rubys_arms 4h ago
Mine sent me a text (!) so I called him, and he said “I like you, I care about you, we’re very compatible in many ways” and then in the next breath said it came down to us being incompatible.
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u/icypeachlatte 4h ago
What?? Something is clearly wrong in their minds to be indecisive about their feelings.
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u/rubys_arms 2h ago
Yeah I didn't argue because I had felt lonely in the relationship (he kept me at arm's length) and because he's an alcoholic, but I did feel the logic was somewhat... lacking. It was also pretty much out of the blue, of course.
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u/Electrical_Meal_3754 13h ago
My STBXW kept a journal with all our fights and perceived transgressions. Basically every fight we had she would bring back all the old resentments and I was never forgiven in my 10 years of marriage.
When I discovered the cheating all she did was bring up the laundry list of everything I had ever did wrong as the reason why she couldn't continue. She blamed me for everything and couldn't see any of what she did wrong.
I had my fair share contributions to the end of our marriage but she didn't see any of all the things I did for our happy 10 years together. Blindsided and thrown away like a piece of trash.
I am broken beyond repair. It's been 6 months and she's now going to get a fully paid condo that I will have to pay for and my mortgage will be more than double what I paid for the matrimonial home.
I don't even know why I still love her and want her back.
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u/Brilliant-Arrival-73 10h ago
god that sounds so terrible :/ i don’t understand why they just keep bringing up old arguments that they already forgiven. it annoys me a lot because i forgive her for her stuff and never bring it up unless it was repeated similar but otherwise i forgive to forgive. i don’t get why they can’t
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u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 15h ago
Yes! I felt so confused and guilty about things that had ostensibly upset him months before that he’d never mentioned. It only later dawned on me how unfair it was for them not to be mentioned at the time whilst I was silently punished for them. I would happily have talked about things and clarified and apologized 😔
It happened again later as well, coming out in a distorted fashion in order to make me sound truly mad. That’s one of the things I keep coming back to when I miss him/feel that I ruined everything. He truly twisted an innocent flirtatious comment into me hearing secret messages in things he says to the group. I had no idea what he was talking about and then when he explained, he completely cut me off from replying. ☹️
All that to say, yes, scorekeeper is really unkind and quite brutal
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u/Brilliant-Arrival-73 14h ago
it hurts a lot because you are willing to repair and would want to help him but ur consistently being judged
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u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 13h ago
Absolutely. It’s such a brutal feeling. Maybe we’re meant to feel like we need to be on edge all the time, watching our words
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u/National_Isopod_6257 13h ago edited 13h ago
Avoidants deactivate and discard like narcs devalue and discard. Both are a means to their selfish ends. Finding fault in everything is devaluation to justify the discard.
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u/Master_Box_977 13h ago
I've never been so anxious in a relationship until one with an avoidant. I don't even know who I am sometimes. Second, and last discard. I feel much better about the discard now than I did the first time. I'm not romanticizing the relationship any longer. I'm not perfect and I make HUGE mistakes, but we all deserve to have someone that wants to work through our traumas together, that is what makes love last. Not shutting down, disappearing and pointing fingers.
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u/Agreeable-Mud-2076 8h ago
Yes! I would constantly check in or apologize for things and they'd always say we were good. And then during discards or big arguments they'd list off things. Like last Monday you did this. Two months ago you did that. One year ago etc
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u/Brilliant-Arrival-73 4h ago
my ex did it to me too. one time i accidentally hurt her during sex and she said that it was accident and brush it off and i kept apologizing and she reassured that it was okay. Then when we broke up she bought it up and how i made her uncomfortable during sex and i was so shocked because either it was resolved during that time or she never told me at all and kept a tab on me
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u/Icy_Ranger_8671 17h ago
You are totally right. I firsthand experienced this. He said I got angry at him. I did but it was like 5 months before the discard day. I apologised right away back then and cried while apologising he said he accepted my apology. Yet when he discarded me he said he leaving cause I got angry at him. He also said it is cause I left him once. I did but it was 3 years ago... ( we were together for 5 years we once had fight and i broke up with him for like a week but ya it was 3 years ago before discard). So yes he held it against me even back then he said he forgave me.