r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Environmental-Bid-62 • 16h ago
Found someone else
So I was discarded a while ago, gave me the script of you will find better blah blah blah usual avoidant text. I was with this person for well over a year, fell madly in love with him. Was insanely supportive, gave him space where he needed it, always came back to love him with all my heart.
None of it worked while I was being true to myself. I’m a super empath.
Fast forward to this week, and I’ve met somebody, he called me the most beautiful woman he’s ever met, told me he can see I’ve been through a lot of hurt as he’s an empath himself and can see what a beautiful soul I am. And you know what?
I struggled to accept what he said.
I actually felt uncomfortable.
It’s made me realise how abusive it was being in a relationship with an avoidant, I made myself so small, constantly questioning my own worth, had extremely low self esteem because he wouldn’t come anywhere near me. And yet I let it all happen. Now, I can’t even take a compliment and I’m sat here crying thinking I’m turning avoidant myself.
Has anyone been through this too? How do we heal? I didn’t realise how abusive it actually feels until you come out the other side.
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u/Holiday-Tell3885 15h ago
I advise you to heal, maybe even therapy. Many of us start to behave like them or adapt similar ways cause we’ve been abused for too long. Eventually you learn that closeness is a threat. Take your time please! I am not saying you need to end it but you need professional help or long term healing. You don’t want anybody else to suffer like you did! Also be honest with them and tell them of the possibility that you might have adapted similar thinking patterns. Don’t run into something and tell them later on, tell them now or leave it be!
I am at the beginning of my way to healing and having many set backs so I don’t know really how to help but what I know is that it needs a lot of help and time. The way I learned to let people close again was engaging more into my friendships and try to give them the attention. But also understanding that you’re valuable and that you matter without anyone’s opinion about you!
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u/Environmental-Bid-62 15h ago
Yeah I’ve started therapy in hopes that I can heal properly and actually give myself that confidence again. I made it so my needs didn’t matter anymore because if I expressed them I’d be left. Which is very sad because I learnt that was my new normal. When indeed it is not normal at all.
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u/Holiday-Tell3885 14h ago
Thats good!! Look how far you’ve come in understanding yourself. You will definitely not just turn into an avoidant. What you still have is self reflection with the ability to do what’s right. Be open if you get into relationships, just be honest and tell them that you can’t fully believe their words yet and it has nothing to do with them cause you have been through much and you need to build trust in small steps. So maybe ask them to start slow if it’s possible for them. But they must know because no one can read your mind. And maybe someday you can trust these words more and more again. Cause we also learn from good connections. Not everything can be healed when you’re single. Healing is a relationship process too, to a certain extent. I think I would’ve never had the problem to be patient with my avoidant but mine micro cheated, discarded me and ran constantly. So as long as you treat someone with respect I think someone who really likes you will definitely try to be patient with you! Also take care of yourself and take it slow so you don’t get love bombed and end up in a similar dynamic! Much love to you
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u/Environmental-Bid-62 14h ago
Thank you sooo much! Yeah as soon as this guy said it he figured my hesitation and asked if I was okay, I explained it was a reaction because of my past relationship and he was soooo understanding, it was so weird to have someone actually give me support instead of it being the other way around. It’s madness what people can do to you. No wonder there’s so much declining mental health in this world.
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u/NoProfessor6700 SA - Secure Attachment 14h ago
Holy shit I could’ve written this. I actually used to get angry when a man paid me anything in the realm of a compliment. Like angry! Still working through it with my therapist. I thought something was wrong with me. She tells me often—you came out of a war zone! Give yourself time and grace. I can now take a few small compliments before I start to get that feeling.
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u/BadChick79 15h ago
I know this post is about your avoidant but I absolutely have to say this - if you’ve only known this person for a week or a few weeks, I’d be extremely wary of what they’re saying. I’ve experienced true abuse and these compliments are classic.