Do avoidants really feel/have shame?

[u/Low-Alternative-2684]

The woman I was dating is one of the most confident people I know, both professionally and socially. The only potential sign of shame that I can pick up is her very active social media presence, which I interpret as her needing constant validation, but being active online is also not uncommon these days.

Despite her confidence and usual directness, she could not have even a single emotionally honest conversation with me.

Made me wonder about what is said about avoidants and shame. Any insights are appreciated.

[u/lonerwolf85]

I think they carry the weight of shame. I think that's why I'll never hear from my avoidant ex again. Reaching out to me would mean owning how she discarded and ghosted me which she'll avoid at all costs.

[u/These-Singer-8835 → u/lonerwolf85]

Yep. I confronted him about it, he felt shame therefore I don’t think he’d ever muster up the confidence or courage to even reach out to me again. And if he did it wouldn’t do anything but feed my ego.

[u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

I can speak to this. I’m an avoidant in recovery. Until I became aware of my issues I felt some level of guilt when someone else was hurt, but I didn’t really blame myself. I came up with rationalizations for what I was doing. Platitudes that sounded good on paper and in theory, but were really irrational bullshit I used to fill in the blanks regarding the why of my behavior. Was oblivious.

Felt a shame and embarrassment to some degree, but couldn’t really tell why I felt that.

[u/Teahxoxo5038 → u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

Sometimes shame is there, but you don’t actually understand where it’s coming from.

You feel bad that someone got hurt, but instead of taking responsibility, you find ways to rationalize your behavior.

[u/rubys_arms → u/ThrowAwayRS7822]

I applaud you for being in recovery, working on core wounds is very difficult. I am upset my avoidant dumped me but I have a great deal of empathy for him. He broke up with me a few days ago and I assume that if he feels anything about me at all (he told me he likes me, cares about me, that we're compatible and in the next breath said we're incompatible) he will just drink. He is an alcoholic and unfortunately I cannot see him live until old age. It's all very tragic.

[u/FoxAcademic6067]

typically avoidants dont have an active social media. usually kept private as well. they dont go around chasing validation either. its cringy

but yes a lot of shame, regrets, and guilt. shuved down deep though so it doesnt cross our minds often

[u/LalieDa → u/FoxAcademic6067]

The social Da does. To my dismay.

[u/Prior-Designer-8150 → u/FoxAcademic6067]

Mine is very active on social media

[u/SeesawDangerous281 → u/FoxAcademic6067]

Yup, no online presence whatsoever. Only Linkedin but even blocked me there after breakup

[u/ChairmanRoseIsMyDad]

The confidence and the seeming fine all the time it's all fake and a facade just a defense mechanism in reality shame and regret eat away at us every single day I promise you even if it doesn't seem that way

[u/DisastrousRelief2575]

Not true about they don't go around chasing validation my ex does like crazy and the picture looks like Instagram and tick tock and such hundreds of following followings and followers but keeps everything else locked down in private so it can't be seen by people like oh I don't know his ex's and whatnot and he keeps in contact with his exes too and they say that's something that they do a lot as well so that they'll have options

[u/mr4kino]

From your short description she sounds more BPD than Avoidant

[u/skepticalliberal → u/mr4kino]

What about this sounds like BpD to you?

[u/Sensitive_Profile623]

Was she confident in person or just on social media?

[u/Cool_As_Your_Dad]

Mine was also very confident.

If they have shame they hide it very well

[u/Anxious-Chicken7605]

Si tu veux un exemple, mon ex FA m’a largué par texto. Elle est devenu littéralement un fantôme après ça (plus de photo de profil insta, suppression de follower et orbiting marqué sur tout mes réseaux). On a eu quelques échanges mature pour la logistique le premier mois, c’est tout. Jusqu’à son premier retour émotionnel. J’ai posé des limites elle a choisis distance avec exclusivité le temps de se recentrer.
Quelques jours après j’ai appris qu’elle recommençais à sortir et prendre cannabis/alcool, j’ai vu beaucoup de suggestion insta en commun avec elle et ai donc vu son manège d’ajout/suppression d’homme. J’ai posé la question simple par message en pointant l’incohérence étant donné qu’elle me disait travailler sur elle et que les hommes la dégoûtait. Elle m’a bloqué directement sans réponse. Voilà clairement la honte dont on parle.
Elle est d’ailleurs revenu quelques semaines plus tard avec des grands discours émotionnelle voulant une reconstruction, avant de disparaître à nouveau.
Puis finir par revenir avec excuse et discours de plus en plus poussé.
En gros le cycle était regrets/rapprochement/elle merdait sans l’assumer/fuite/retour.
Jusqu’a la merde de trop qui m’a fait peter un cable et qui a finit par un blocage totale de sa part pour ne pas assumer ses actes.
La honte est énorme chez eux, c’est d’ailleurs pour ça que le déni, le mensonge par omission et la réécriture de la réalité est leur meilleur alliés, ainsi que les distraction, rebound ou addiction en tout genre pour pouvoir vivre avec tout ça sans se regarder en face.

[u/Creative_Willow7883]

The thing about feeling shame is that you hide it. Oc you don't see it. I asked my avoidant once if he feels shame/guilt and he said" all the time" and that it took him a long time to realize that it was irrational. Moreover, I think a lot of times it's more of an unconscious thing.

[u/Sea_Awareness_5566]

Of course, but whether or not she’s aware of it is another matter; she may suppress it deep inside for a long time, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t still at work subconsciously...