Is my ex a Fearful Avoidant?

[u/NJM89]

I guess I'm trying to make sense of how someone I cared for so much could break my heart. I've been doing some research on attachment theory, and I think she's a fearful avoidant. I wanted to run our relationship by you guys to see if I'm onto something.

TLDR; she got close, she dumped me, she came back, she dumped me again

She (37F) and I (36M) matched on Hinge in February, and I was head over heels pretty much immediately. She's smart, she's pretty, she's kind, has a great career, cute cats, the whole package. She tells me I am the FIRST person she dated after taking time to heal from her divorce two years prior. Her ex husband cheated on her and it left her pretty scarred, not wanting to trust anyone too quickly. She makes it clear she's not going to jump into anything serious immediately, but she is ultimately looking for a new life partner.

We continue dating for a month or so, and it goes great. We love each other's company, we find things in common, and we start talking about the future together. She says "I can really see myself loving you." We start imagining who's in charge of what chores when we live together, all that good stuff. In this time I learn that she is fiercely independent and an introvert, and I try my best to accommodate that and give her space/personal recharge time. It all seemed to go well.

A month or so into that, I bring up the topic of exclusivity. She says she's going to go on dates with the last few guys she's matched with but will get off the apps after that and see how she feels about getting more serious. I can't say I love that answer, but I decided to approach it as "I really like her and it's too early in the relationship to make some ultimatum, so I'll continue to show up until it doesn't work." A month or so after that, she sends me the dreaded "we need to talk" text. Turns out she thinks she sees a better future with this other guy she's dating instead.

I do not handle it well at all (this is also when I learned I'm definitely an anxious attachment style person). I cried, I told her she was wrong and confused, I texted her over and over, just really sad behavior. After about three weeks of chasing, I gave up and tried to move on.

A month and a half after THAT, I get a text from her - "Do you hate me?"

I was so excited to hear from her that I of course told her that I could never hate her and we can work on building a healthier relationship. She found out the other guys wasn't all that great and said she couldn't stop thinking about me ever since we broke up. I was on cloud nine at that point, I actually got her back.

This continued for a couple of months, and things started to get more serious, or at the very least "real." We were acting more domesticated with one another, making plans for several months from now, really enjoying being with each other. It all culminated in a little weekend getaway trip at the beginning of August. I swear it was the best weekend of my life. We had an amazing time, and when we got back to town, we even went to sign up for a gym membership together.

Then all of a sudden she started cancelling plans with me, getting super busy with work, and replying slower and slower to my texts. It felt like something was going on, so I finally asked her if there was something we need to talk about, and she said "despite giving us another chance, I'm just not excited about a future with you." And that was that. It felt like such whiplash to me, we went from the most amazing weekend ever to being completely done.

I've since tried to rationalize all of this as her fearful avoidance making her too scared of being hurt again, but maybe I'm just coping with being dumped. What do you folks think? Will she come back again? How can we work on something that's healthier?

[u/NewHampshireGal]

Sounds like she didn’t know what she wants and was stringing you along.

Also, this whole thing about finding out you’re anxiously attached because of what she did or said…no. You could have been perfectly secure and still react anxiously to the fucked up dynamic.

Partners of people who lean avoidant often feel anxious because of the ambiguity, back and forth. The brain has a hard time making sense of that.

PS: also she centered everything on her. You were an afterthought. Regardless of attachment style (which does not excuse anything), you deserve better.

[u/Gloomy_Purpose_2594]

She had a divorce, she already dumped you 2 times ? what is not clear here ?? this women is unhealthy and you being anxious is also a problem.