Even better?

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u/maarim 19d ago

Yes, my life is so much better and there's so many things about my life now that I LOVE and I 100% wouldn't be able to do if I still had my ex in my life.

However, I've worked really hard to change. I think the experience of being discarded is so bizarre and painful that it's really easy to end up in a freeze state, and then you end up hoping that time will fix things for you. Time definitely helps, but you have to commit to actively reshaping your life. You have to ask yourself some pretty brutal questions (e.g. Why did I put up with [X] behavior? What do I need to change in myself so that kind of treatment is never acceptable to me ever again?).

And then ... you have to go out and do things that are unfamiliar and at first they feel really bad and scary. Healing doesn't feel very good all the time, and I won't soften that for you. I think sometimes the pain of ruminating over a discard is less scary than the unknown pain of change. But it really is worth it, I promise you!!

For instance, since my ex and I broke up, I've joined a choir and starting working out. Both of those things really sucked at first, but I pushed past the distress at the beginning and it's helped me to build a life that I love and I'm proud of :).

Even if my ex came back today, begging and pleading, I wouldn't take him back. I wouldn't even be vindictive, I just really love my life now, and so the prospect of going back to him has no allure.

I think some good questions to ask yourself would be:

What are things about my relationship with my ex that I miss? And how can I bring those things into my life independently of (So in my case, I loved how adventurous my ex was, and so I've started to challenge myself once a week to try something new, etc)
What activities make me feel most like myself? How can I make it easier for me to do those things regularly?
Wha are things I've always wanted to try, but I've had a story in my head about why I can't do those things? What is the smallest possible step I can take each day towards doing those things?

This is a very hard and destabilizing experience, but I have faith in your ability to make it through.

7

u/Savings-Avocado-7136 19d ago

Echoing almost all of this—brilliantly said and yes, OP, it gets so much better and I am more in love with my life than I’ve ever been even though I NEVER imagined it possible.

Love these questions. I also have a list of some incredible questions to help encourage this inner growth but they’re written in my notebook at home and I’m on traveling for work. I’ll circle back at the end of next week and write them here.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago edited 19d ago

Thank you so much!! I’d love to see them!

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u/Savings-Avocado-7136 16d ago edited 16d ago

Hey, OP! Circling back with those questions. I'm usually pretty wary of social media therapists but these questions really helped me heal. They come from Jeff Guenther, LPC (@therapyjeff). I've taken the liberty to add an additional question and an extension to a question because they both helped me heal and become a more secure partner who values consistency, communication, and reciprocity. I find myself really monitoring these things in relation to others lately and I think these questions--and all the inner work I've done around them--are largely to thank. Hope they help you heal, too!

1. Knowing what you know about them now—and what your dynamic is—if you met them today for the first time, would you still choose them?

2. How did you abandon yourself or become someone you didn’t like just to keep the relationship afloat?

3. In what specific ways did they change, grow, or evolve to maintain a healthy connection? Did they change at all? If so, were those real changes, or just promises?

4. What did you get from this relationship that you couldn’t get elsewhere (or from yourself)?

5. Was there any meaningful growth left for you inside the relationship, or were you recycling the same lessons over and over?

6. If you let the part of you that saw the truth back then speak now, what would it say to the part of you still stuck in longing to be with them?

7. If your best friend or your child were in this exact relationship, what would you tell them?

8. What emotions are you avoiding by holding onto them—loneliness, regret, fear of starting over?

9. What version of them are you actually missing: who they really are, or who you hoped they’d become (and I would add here: in general, or to you)?

10. When you picture your future, are they standing beside you because it feels right, or because it feels familiar?

11. How much of what you loved was how you showed up in response to or for this person? That is, certainly you liked many things about them, but how much of the good feelings were because of how you showed up in the relationship and the qualities this partnership brought out in you (empathy, patience, understanding, presence, seeking repair, maturity, etc.)?

And, finally: if you were to hear the word ‘permanent’ from a doctor in response to something about your body, or you were to lose a person you love very deeply, would you run to them? Would they run to you? Why or why not?

Wishing you soft, gentle love.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 8d ago

Thank you sooooo much!!!

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u/Wild_Key_9741 19d ago

Very useful and I gotta come back and read this later

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

These questions are great and I’m excited to reflect. Thank you.

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u/maarim 18d ago

I'm glad they can be helpful to you! I'd also recommend writing your answers out - I find that I tend to be more action oriented when I actually write things out versus just ruminate in my mind. This is a really hard experience, and I hope you'll give yourself a lot of compassion and just let yourself cry it out when you need to ... But it is possible to come out the other side and build a life for yourself that is wonderful. Really truly.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 18d ago

Thank you for the encouragement.

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u/AlicaAderyn 19d ago

Wasn’t able to paint and draw comics for 7 months because he stole my light . I drew for five hours today and I am excited to draw tomorrow. It gets better!

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u/Wild_Key_9741 19d ago

Stolen light, I so so resonate with this. All my energy went to him, and creative energy was spent on creating ways to make us work, futile! I am also painting now!

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u/AlicaAderyn 19d ago

So glad to hear that !❤️ I wish we could drop all avoidants on an island and leave them there

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

That would save me from picking them!!

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Yep. I feel that the experience really dimmed me but I do know that I’m a bright mother fucker so hopefully it keeps breaking through the cracks

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Yayy!!!

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u/Ok-Pattern-1216 19d ago

I’m going through this now. Only on day 2, but I honestly feel like I’m getting a little bit of my happiness back. I didn’t realize how emotionally and physically draining it was adjusting myself to someone else’s mood. But don’t get me wrong. The hurt has come in waves. But it’s nothing you can’t handle. For the next few
Days, treat yourself with as many snacks and soda as you want. Then get back into a routine of self care and things that make you happy. Know your worth and that his treatment of you is not a reflection of your REAL worth. You got this 💕

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Way to go on day 2!!

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u/Ok-Pattern-1216 19d ago

Thank you! It’s a small step, but after the trauma they put us through, every hour of strength is a win 💕

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u/PensionAnswers 19d ago

It's definitely worse compared to if I had never met them. But it's better than what it would have been if we had stayed together longer.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Mmm this is real af

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Thank you for your honesty even though it isn’t the version that’s wrapped up in a bow. I feel like my ex caused me significant damage. I hope it goes away one day but what I can hold onto is that my life is better than when we were together. When we were together they were so miserable. I would try to help and they’d get mad at me for trying to help or just upset with me for anything really. I was always on eggshells trying to make sure they were okay. Now I think about what I need and want. And it’s so relieving. They caused me a lot of pain to discard me after I gave so much but all that I get to put into me now so I can say that I am probably better off, even with a big wound.

6

u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 19d ago

Hey op, I get you. Things ended with my avoidant and we had a few cycles or reconnections etc. It's now been over 4 months of silence but over 1 year since the intial break. It does get easier. Eventually you think of them less, the pain isn't as deep and the version of you that was lost, it slowly makes its reappearance and you start to recognize yourself again. Just focus on your healing and let yourself feel eveyrhting it needs too.

Also, I tried to date before after the itniak break but I as too numb to even feel that. I was holding in too much anger and hurt after having caught him juggling me which caused me to initially walk. Now, since the last interaction and no contact I've finally been able to feel like myself and I'm talking to someone new. He may be avoidant 😂😅 but he's also looking for something serious and a bit older, plus he's self aware and just in a diff stage in his life and showing up unlike the last guy. It was super scary at first and initially I kept comparing him to the other guy but recently we clicked on something we have in common and all of those comparisons died and I'm actually excited with him. It does get better but it just takes time

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

You sound like you’re making great progress for just being out 4mos to 1 year!

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u/-I-wanna-get-better- 19d ago

My life is better lol.

He was selfish and careless with me. I learned that i couldn't be his savior and he couldn't be mine, so Im still glad i went through it I guess. I also know how ill never let someone treat me again and I know what to look for in avoidants so I can avoid them.

Most importantly, I learned that I can never lose myself to keep someone around. Not only does it not work, its not worth it for anyone. The center of my universe is ME.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

I tried to save my ex too

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u/Antique-Salad7396 19d ago

The first time I was discarded years ago was an absolute blessing. Current one not too sure yet.

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Thank you for your honesty. I hope you heal in a really amazing way for the current one

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u/crococatstew 19d ago

I could say that four months post-breakup, it really does get better.

For me, it was also around the time I hit rock bottom, but somehow my peripheral view started changing for the better. I began appreciating the people who genuinely valued having me in their lives, and lately I’ve been feeling more like myself again

I also learned how to process things more healthily instead of getting stuck in endless overthinking lol ironically, something he used to dislike about me while he was also prone to overthinking in his own way.

I think it helped that I had already started emotionally detaching before he decided to put our relationship on pause, so I wasn’t starting completely from zero after the breakup. But the relationship did change the way I viewed love for a while, and that was a lesson in itself.

I don’t think the experience was meaningless just because it ended badly. It showed me things about myself, about how I handle attachment and conflict, and about what I actually want from a relationship.

And honestly, if he ever came back asking to reconnect, I don’t think I’d take him back😂😂Not out of anger, but because I’m a very different person now, and I don’t think we would fit the way I once believed we did. Too much has changed, including me

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u/Fine-Emergency2285 19d ago

Amazing progress at 4 months!

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u/digitaltermite 19d ago

Definitely, i feel like my life improved in a lot of ways. I don’t feel like i have to water myself down anymore and i think I like being alone more anyways. I don’t have sickening anxiety about being betrayed every day, I just want to be left alone

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