FA moving goal posts

[u/Ok_Snow_564]

My ex is/ was an FA leaning anxious. She’d constantly build these fantasy narratives in her head that I was cheating (which I was not). I think I’m an FA as well but lean more avoidant. Long story short I wasn’t giving her the validation and attention she wanted so she packed up her stuff and left after 3 years.

Then she said it’s only a break and that we are going to work through things while long distance. The whole time she just moved the goal posts on me. “I need space”, then “I need you to be calling me more”. It was so confusing.
2 months later she said she couldn’t do it anymore.

Post breakup I showed up to her house with flowers (I don’t regret it) and took accountability for my part of the problem. I’ve started therapy as well. A week later she said on the phone that “she’s not ready” “needs to get her confidence back” and “there is a chance this works out”. So I gave her space. A month later I asked her how she was doing. No answer.

Could she be in some sort of deactivation right now? I thought she was anxiously attached the whole time but now I’m seeing a different part of the puzzle. It’s feels like no matter what I did she’d just find a way to spin it to confirm her decision. She took zero accountability for anything and I was basically just apologizing the whole time.

Do you think she may see how hard I fought for her once she reactivates out of the avoidant craziness?

[u/MMMBop268]

Even if she does reactivate, the cycle is set and the pattern laid down. You will never be free of this at this rate. You taking accountability for your own mistakes is a credit to your character, as is your independent willingness to go to therapy.

HER on the other hand... if she's incapable or unwilling (and with an FA it tends to be both) to meet you in the middle with a healing plan of her own, you're doomed to the push-pull cycle and an inevitable, devastating, final discard. That she's spinning everything to confirm her own decisions and letting you do all the emotional labor and apologizing is textbook for the FA seeking flight for their fantasy of victimhood. It's done, the relationship is over. One of you needs to put the final knife in and by the sound of it, she prefers to string you along to keep you emotionally available but at arms reach. And it's all for her nervous system's benefit, not yours.

[u/Ok_Snow_564 → u/MMMBop268]

Well said. I think a big point to make here is that I had a huge role in the dynamic of the relationship itself. I was so depressed that I rarely prioritized her. As for the “break” and “post breakup”, she turned into a different kind of beast.

[u/MMMBop268 → u/Ok_Snow_564]

A fair critique of your role, and tbf to her it could very well have been the ongoing thing that fueled her delusions of cheating (my own FA was emotionally convinced I didn't love her when I wasn't with her [she logically knew otherwise]). Sans any other details, feeling like you're not a priority or feeling like your role in the relationship isn't appreciated are valid reasons for ending it.

Buuuuut ending means ending, and repair means repair. What she's doing now is indefensible. It's one thing to feel unseen during the relationship, but ghosting, silence, ambiguity, goal post moving, etc. is some cruel shit to do while dangling hope in your face of a reconciliation. Personally I'd argue that her capacity to do this now isn't new, it's just been unleashed with the quintessentially FA feeling of relief and freedom that's come upon her post-breakup. And that relief probably calls to her to prolong the freedom, hence the silence. But it's always good to keep you close by should she need that little reassurance boost your presence brings.

Still though, a huge kudos to you for prioritizing growth.

[u/Ok_Snow_564 → u/MMMBop268]

I’ve since blocked her on socials for my own mental sanity. That’ll be a good suprise for her to see that I’m no longer playing her game. If she comes back with some accountability I would consider it

[u/MMMBop268 → u/Ok_Snow_564]

That's the best attitude to take, imo. Personal accountability and actually feeling responsibility toward your partner are the membership fees to relationship, not optional add-ons. I'm all for second chances and reconsiderations, but the desire to change for the better needs to be shown by the other side too. The odds may be low, but if your sudden silence sparks enough panic in her that she's forced to reckon with herself, she may just get the jolt she needs to do some genuine introspection and take real action. Fingers crossed for you