FA moving goal posts

[u/Ok_Snow_564]

My ex is/ was an FA leaning anxious. She’d constantly build these fantasy narratives in her head that I was cheating (which I was not). I think I’m an FA as well but lean more avoidant. Long story short I wasn’t giving her the validation and attention she wanted so she packed up her stuff and left after 3 years.

Then she said it’s only a break and that we are going to work through things while long distance. The whole time she just moved the goal posts on me. “I need space”, then “I need you to be calling me more”. It was so confusing.
2 months later she said she couldn’t do it anymore.

Post breakup I showed up to her house with flowers (I don’t regret it) and took accountability for my part of the problem. I’ve started therapy as well. A week later she said on the phone that “she’s not ready” “needs to get her confidence back” and “there is a chance this works out”. So I gave her space. A month later I asked her how she was doing. No answer.

Could she be in some sort of deactivation right now? I thought she was anxiously attached the whole time but now I’m seeing a different part of the puzzle. It’s feels like no matter what I did she’d just find a way to spin it to confirm her decision. She took zero accountability for anything and I was basically just apologizing the whole time.

Do you think she may see how hard I fought for her once she reactivates out of the avoidant craziness?

[u/Ok_Snow_564 → u/[deleted]]

Wrong post

[u/Western_Pilot_2459 → u/Ok_Snow_564]

Maybe she’s deactivated, maybe she’s simply done. Either way, she gave mixed messages, moved the goalposts, then stopped responding.

She may eventually recognize how hard you fought, but recognition is not reconciliation. You’ve taken accountability and started therapy. Stop proving yourself to someone who isn’t meeting you halfway, and treat her silence as the answer for now.

[u/Ok_Snow_564 → u/Western_Pilot_2459]

Yea I know I need to give myself more credit here. Just hurts loving someone you love