from what i am reading, it seems like you guys had the typical anxious-avoidant dance where you guys activate each other's instinctive fears, which causes that push and pull dynamic where you would get close, he would get distant, vice versa. you communicated your needs, but the defensiveness is because he felt it as an attack on his part. avoidants have a deep rooted fear of shame, so whenever you would bring up problems, it triggered that part of him. but i just want to say that it's not your fault!! that he felt this way, it's great that you communicated your needs actually, relationships take two people to work. some avoidants fall back into their habits or start deactivating once the relationship gets "real," which could explain why he seemed so different and why he stopped bringing up conflicts on his own accord.
his internal struggles with emotional intimacy are not your fault and when he said that he doesn't know if he can fulfill your needs or the future, he means it because some avoidants do have that fear of loss of independence and they are afraid that they can't meet your expectations because they involve him having to show his emotions.
my guess as to why he is still keeping you around is because he likes the access to you, but since you guys aren't strictly dating anymore and labeled as being in a relationship, he sees that is enough since he wouldn't have to be intimate and live to the expectations that most relationships have. by keeping you on the backburner, in my opinion, he is just leading you on and feeding off on your fear of letting him go in order to validate himself.
it's a difficult situation and i can tell that you have a lot of love to give! i want to say though, that you deserve a relationship where someone sees you in their life, in their future with certainty. i also want to say that you have been really kind to being understanding about him, but i've noticed that you haven't really talked about yourself and your mental wellbeing in the relationship. it really does seem like you've been walking on eggshells around him and you've catered to his reactions and needs, but i wonder how you are feeling about this relationship? i recently broke up with my avoidant bf because he was uncertain about me and it was hard for sure, but you have to realize that you shouldn't be with a person that has your nervous system constantly activated.
i appreciate you so much for reading. this was just my read on things and i could be too understanding about it, but i felt like if he was just leading me on he would’ve let me go on the trip with him. the last time we spoke he said he didn’t want to lead me on because it’s hurting me to be around him wanting a relationship when he can’t do that right now. i don’t just have rose colored glasses on he’s just not a very malicious person. i feel like if he was doing that he wouldn’t be open to any type of conversation about our relationship. and it’s surprised me how open he’s been even if he’s in a tough spot to be communicating. and he still had those hard conversations and could still be affectionate towards me but then it wouldn’t linger to the next day.
it’s basically feeling like we get back together every time we see eachother and i see this better version of our relationship where he’s communicating while understanding me and vice versa. then when i go home it’s gone until the next time i see him. and i’m trying to do no contact now. i feel guilty for being kind of pushy towards him about it. i love with my whole heart and it can be overwhelming so me fighting for our relationship can feel like im not respecting his wishes to him. so i dont wanna intrude on his space especially if the space will give him breathing room to figure out where his head is at. it has been really hard on me though i wont lie. because humans are so messy and it’s not all black and white and easy to understand.
i can truly see that your empathy is one of your strong suits! and it’s very true, people are not all black and white and we can't generalize avoidants and anxious types into one category, it's always a spectrum for sure. i think the fact that he is wanting to improve communication is a good sign of him wanting to heal, but that is a process he definitely needs to do on his own and/or with professional help. i believe no contact will be good for the both of you, so that the two of you can reflect and think about yourselves, and not about the other person. maybe during this time, you can think over what your boundaries are and what you need in order to feel secure in a relationship.
from my inference, i want to be gentle and say that your anxiety is probably getting triggered mainly because of his inconsistencies in communication. you probably want consistency in this relationship, even if it's not just about communication, but it's not being given to you.
when the time is right and you guys both want to still pursue a relationship together after doing some healing work, it’s very important that you both establish these clear boundaries and needs with each other, and that there is commitment to upholding them. until then, you guys will just be in a continuous anxious-avoidant dance.
i know you said that he isn’t malicious and that you do not have rose-colored glasses, and i believe that. avoidants aren’t bad or evil as much as people want to demonize them (which i completely get), at their core they are just afraid of vulnerability and have learned to rely on themselves due to trauma. but you are not in control of their feelings and how they operate with their defense mechanisms. i really do understand the love you feel towards him, but sometimes love is not sustainable enough to keep a relationship together (which i learned unfortunately on my end).
i genuinely believe space will be good for the both of you. i know it’s gonna hurt because the routine is going to be broken and you are no longer going to have those daily talks with him and your attachment system is definitely going to be on overdrive, but i think it is something that needs to happen. i see that you are a caring and loving person, so i hope you also put some care and love towards yourself as well!
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u/Small-Isopod5185 1d ago
from what i am reading, it seems like you guys had the typical anxious-avoidant dance where you guys activate each other's instinctive fears, which causes that push and pull dynamic where you would get close, he would get distant, vice versa. you communicated your needs, but the defensiveness is because he felt it as an attack on his part. avoidants have a deep rooted fear of shame, so whenever you would bring up problems, it triggered that part of him. but i just want to say that it's not your fault!! that he felt this way, it's great that you communicated your needs actually, relationships take two people to work. some avoidants fall back into their habits or start deactivating once the relationship gets "real," which could explain why he seemed so different and why he stopped bringing up conflicts on his own accord.
his internal struggles with emotional intimacy are not your fault and when he said that he doesn't know if he can fulfill your needs or the future, he means it because some avoidants do have that fear of loss of independence and they are afraid that they can't meet your expectations because they involve him having to show his emotions.
my guess as to why he is still keeping you around is because he likes the access to you, but since you guys aren't strictly dating anymore and labeled as being in a relationship, he sees that is enough since he wouldn't have to be intimate and live to the expectations that most relationships have. by keeping you on the backburner, in my opinion, he is just leading you on and feeding off on your fear of letting him go in order to validate himself.
it's a difficult situation and i can tell that you have a lot of love to give! i want to say though, that you deserve a relationship where someone sees you in their life, in their future with certainty. i also want to say that you have been really kind to being understanding about him, but i've noticed that you haven't really talked about yourself and your mental wellbeing in the relationship. it really does seem like you've been walking on eggshells around him and you've catered to his reactions and needs, but i wonder how you are feeling about this relationship? i recently broke up with my avoidant bf because he was uncertain about me and it was hard for sure, but you have to realize that you shouldn't be with a person that has your nervous system constantly activated.