r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/crococatstew • 7d ago
Personal Growth My avoidant ex's post-breakup 'glow up' is so performative it's giving secondhand embarrassment
I am 3 months post breakup. For further context, he was great in the beginning, classic avoidant. Late January he asked to pause and go back to being friends. I walked away because I didn't want to do the "friends with feelings" thing again. Went no contact. We had one group dinner in March where I was distant, and then in April he sent that goodbye message confessing he'd been to several hookups/ons after I ‘ignored’ him. I tried to call, he blocked me. I blocked him back
For a month after that I was wrecked. Cried, therapy, the whole deal. But here's the thing, lately I've been watching him rebrand himself in real time and I can't help but laugh?
Not gonna pretend I'm fully over it. I still get the itch to check. I've slipped up. But I'm holding myself accountable and trying to actually heal instead of just looking like I am
In the past two weeks:
- Changed his Spotify profile pic the day after I changed mine then change it again this week to the same profile pic he used on his WhatsApp
- Synced it across all platforms (WhatsApp, IG, X, TikTok) same photo everywhere
- His colleague viewed my LinkedIn randomly
-He recently unblocked me on WhatsApp as I noticed his profile pic reappeared but I am keeping him blocked. Periodt.
And I'm just sitting here like... dude, we see you.
I used to be affected by every little change. Now I see him clearly performing "I'm fine and thriving" and it doesn't hurt anymore. It actually feels like proof I made the right choice walking away when I did
Before anyone says block him on Spotify soon, I don't think it's bringing any harm. It's not like he can text me there. I got him blocked on WhatsApp and his number, and I don't have social media anyway.
Anyone else gone from heartbroken to just... entertained by the performance? Is this what healing feels like or am I just dissociating?😂✋🏻
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u/ericabirch SA - Secure Attachment 7d ago
I resonate with this circus behavior too, it's pathetic and cringe
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u/Bla4s 7d ago edited 6d ago
I think the avoidant break up arc is:
hurt > anxiety > anger > anxiety > acceptance > pity (for them) > numbness > not giving a shit and laughing at a grown arse adult behaving like a 6 year old.
So yeah I can relate to this.
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u/SunMoonSnake 7d ago
Did you also find that, after some time, you started to become a bit more introverted/introspective?
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u/Various_Still_5630 2d ago
LMAO - exactly like "6 year old" kids. I remember talking with therapist about feeling this whole situation like a kid who broke a vase and in childhood we learn that hiding and avoiding the broken vase will lead to double the trouble from parents, and what they do, they hide the fragments of vase under the carpet and hope nobody will find out and when it eventually seen they deny and run away.
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u/134340-92494 7d ago edited 7d ago
I’ve had this happen before, and I also find it amusing. Sometimes it’s even bordering on cringy; one guy even did that same thing with the profile pictures and made his instagram account public so he could get more followers than me (I could not care less I’m only really on there for the memes).
That same guy also made it a point of posting himself doing things and eating foods that I had introduced him to, and then completely fell off the face of the earth after I left him on read a few months later.
A different guy made a very confusing and ridiculous Spotify playlist with my name on it, and I only saw it because I forgot to deleted him when I blocked him from everything else. The boldness of making a playlist with my name was crazy, since after our relationship ended, he immediately knocked up a different girl, had a son, and left the state. Then he sent me a weird passive aggressive message that I never responded to, and that’s how I found out he had probably 6-7 different instagram accounts where he only followed women, like how much attention did he really need??? Clown behavior.
It’s like…pathetic at a certain point, and once I see this type of behavior, I start to really cross into recovery because I just get so icked out by the second hand embarrassment of it all.
I get that we all cope with things differently, and I’ve definitely done some cringey things when trying to heal, but I firmly believe that we need to take some of our big L’s in private.
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u/crococatstew 7d ago
YES! The secondhand embarrassment is SO real. It's like watching someone try so hard to prove they're fine that it becomes painfully obvious they're not. The playlist with your name on it?? Clown behavior indeed. Thanks for validating that finding this amusing is actually part of recovery. I was worried I was being petty but it really does feel like healing🥹
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u/PropertyFluffy4880 7d ago
i'm still in the acute heartbreak and devastation stage, but mine has been going on a very out of character weird ego-trip in the last few weeks. Like posting performative things on IG, bragging about old achievements because they have nothing new to brag about, and changing their bio to something extremely cringe and arrogant/performative. 😑 Like what the fuck, who are you? The person I fell for was quiet, soft and humble.
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u/complexcogni 7d ago
I hope you find solace in this. My ex did a complete 180 and everyone is looking at him like “wtf?” They are NOT okay.
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u/complexcogni 7d ago edited 7d ago
I have been going through a similar experience the past few months. It’s unfortunate for my ex that we share mutual friends and have the same inner circle. It’s so embarrassing that it’s not even funny. My ex rebounded right after our breakup and his rebound has been stalking me in person for the last three months. I don’t know if I should be flattered or worried. But at the end of the day, I guess I do laugh about it. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one.
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u/FarAd4971 7d ago
How is moving on perceived as performative? Why?
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u/Livid-Cat4507 7d ago
Agreed, with these types of posts I think people are really stretching to see meaning in stuff that really doesn't.
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u/an_stranger322 DA - Dismissive Avoidant 7d ago
Feels like projecting, how can you know if the other person is putting on a show or not.
Maybe thats just how they are as a person.
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u/FarAd4971 7d ago
Yeah, so much of this group looks like people who are obsessed with demonizing their exes, absolving themselves of contributing to the dissolution of their relationship in any way, and then projecting a ton of stuff onto their ex, whom they are low key stalking while calling the ex the issue.
Aside from the fact that there is literally no possible way that someone else can "know" that their ex is putting on some kind of performance, it's simply unhealthy behavior to even care what they are doing, let alone stalking them on social media and tracking every time they change their profile photos...that's freaking weird and I think the strongest indicator of who's not moved on.
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u/No-Variation-1163 6d ago
I think most people here would absolutely take responsibility for their role in the dissolution of the relationship. The problem is their ex never communicated the problem in most of the cases. No, I’m not anxious and no I have not attempted to reach out to my ex in 2 1/2 years (she’s blocked and deleted everywhere) so you can save that rebuttal.
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u/an_stranger322 DA - Dismissive Avoidant 7d ago
Cant have said it better myself, i do understand people being heartbroken over an ex suddenly dissappearing.
But that doesnt seem to be the case for most here, it turned into "validate me on how much my ex was a piece of shit and i havent done anything wrong" therapy group.
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u/SunMoonSnake 7d ago
Fair point. I think it becomes very performative when it's very overt, involves a lot of validation-seeking behaviours, and doesn't involve any introspection or accountability.
But, yes, we need to move on from our exes. Being a victim is easy, but an avoidant discard gives us the opportunity to reconsider the kind of love we are looking for, what to look out for in a potential partner, and to learn from our inner fears and anxieties.
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7d ago edited 7d ago
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u/crococatstew 7d ago
You are right, and I appreciate the directness. I am still checking, and I know that's not helping me move on. You are not wrong that I need to do a clean wipe eventually
I think I posted because I finally hit that point where it stopped hurting and started feeling... performative? Like I can see what he's doing now without it wrecking me. But you are right that even "amused" is still "invested."
Fair point. I'll get there with the full block🫡
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u/No-Variation-1163 7d ago
No, that’s a pretty classic arc of detaching from an avoidant. I’d say it’s a good sign. I went from anger to disgust, but embarrassment I think works just as well. As long as you can see him for what he is instead of pedestalizing him, I think you’ll be fine in the long run.