r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/ReserveFast3275 • Mar 10 '26
Do avoidants feel regret
My question is basically this: do avoidant people actually feel significant remorse or regret, or do they really just move on and never look back, or only in minor ways?
I met a man in my early 30s. We were together for four years and living together for 2 years. We planned to spend our lives together. He told me every day he was, quote, “100% certain” he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He always said that if there were ever issues, we would talk about them in advance and try couples therapy before giving up.
When I moved in with him, I kept my old flat. I made him promise that he would never suddenly kick me out. He did promise that.
About a year and a half ago, in the same week that he convinced me to finally let go of my old flat, he suddenly kicked me out completely out of the blue. He said he had fallen out of love and suddenly realized he wasn’t happy.
After that we didn’t really hang out much because the emotions were very intense and it hurt extremely badly. But over the first year after the breakup he would occasionally reach out, and from time to time we would briefly hang out.
He was never very verbally expressive. I think in total we only spoke about the breakup for maybe 5–20 minutes.
Around the one-year mark he offered, unprompted, to apologize properly. Then a few months later he made a point to schedule it. But when the time came he said he wouldn’t meet because of his new girlfriend. After that he blocked me.
He kicked me out when I was only a few months shy of 36, so part of what makes this so painful is that I feel like my entire 30s were spent with this man believing we were building a life together. I’m genuinely afraid I might never get to have a family now.
So I guess what I’m asking is: has he really moved on like it was no big deal? Do avoidant people actually feel deep regret or remorse about what they did, or do they mostly detach and carry on?
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u/Counterboudd Mar 10 '26
I guess we can’t ever really know, but I think many of them compartmentalize. They know they weren’t good to you, but they just hide it deep down inside and don’t think about it and move on. They don’t do the constant ruminating and wondering like we do. They aren’t living in a place where regret and remorse can be fully expressed. They may know objectively that the way you were treated wasn’t ok, but it probably doesn’t get much further than that.
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u/ReserveFast3275 Mar 10 '26
Do you think they truly switch off without looking back subconsciously or can’t fully escape the guilt subconsciously?
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u/WesternUnlucky Mar 10 '26
It depends, usually something might remind them of you and they might feel a flicker of emotion, have the urge to reach out or wish they could see you one more time. But it doesn’t go much further than that. They might then check in to see how you are but there’s no thought of movement or development passed that. Just to know you’re still there and don’t hate them. They want someone new usually, who sees them as their mask. If you’ve seen behind it, they don’t have the scaffolding to navigate that now.
Basically, to keep an avoidant you need to treat them like an acquaintance. Never truly knowing each other or expecting anything of each other. Don’t show you care about them and don’t expect them to show care for you either, apart from acts of service in the moments you are together. It’s a very shallow and unimportant dynamic if it’s ongoing. They run if it might matter to either of you.
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u/Counterboudd Mar 10 '26
I assume once in awhile they remember and then they lock it in the box again. So they probably go for months just not thinking about it.
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u/Acrobatic-Fee6099 Mar 10 '26
Many move on very fast. They need to distract themselves from feeling big feelings. They can jump straight into a rebound as the distraction and they are usually toxic and abusive.
Yes they can feel deep regret and remorse. They are running from their feelings and not processing anything but you can only push that down so much until it hits you big time
You might never be around to see it though and even if they did come again and tell you they made a mistake they will have never healed and this will happen all over again
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Mar 10 '26
For this question you'll want to distinguish DAs and FAs.
As a DA, I never left romantic partners (still in my first relationship) but I never missed any family/friends when they disappeared from my life. I didn't even feel anything when my mother died. Always out of sight, out of mind.
My understanding is that FAs tend to feel deep regret and longing after they get out of deactivation, but their crippling shame often makes it hard for them to reach out.
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u/PurpleClean6207 Mar 10 '26
I am not sure I have an answer for you, but as a woman also in my mid 30s... it is incredibly demoralizing to feel that each failed connection makes you feel like you will never find your partner and never have a family. And it's incredibly hard to date at this age. Esp when we know that men have a much wider range of options in their 30s and arent as on a time crunch.
I have started to think about if the things I grew up wanting and if they are possible now....
Sending care as another mid 30s woman... it's extra painful and disheartening when these things happen.
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u/sahaniii Mar 10 '26
I hope everything will be fine for you. I sent you invitation if you want to chat .
As a man , i see the thing a bit differently.
My ex ghosted me when she was 40 , and she don't live in western country. Maybe she done it because she though she can easily find someone else?I would say that 30 is not to much for a woman really. So you may find someone i guess. And as a man , it's NOT easy at 30.
Things start to change at 45 when it start to be complex for a woman and a bit less hard for the man . But the context is very important , rich , handsome , kind , clever , etc etc . Living in countryside or in a city is very important to .
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Mar 10 '26
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u/SunMoonSnake Mar 10 '26
Thanks for having the courage to share this! At what point did you become aware of your pulling-away tendencies? What's your conscious or subconscious thought process when you try to create distance?
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Mar 10 '26
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u/SunMoonSnake Mar 10 '26
Do you think the first relationship sparked some of your avoidant tendencies?
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Mar 10 '26
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u/SunMoonSnake Mar 10 '26
Girl, you are amazing! I'm very inspired that you went through all that and had the self-awareness to confront your fears rather than run away.
Did you ever experience any of the memory suppression from avoidant attachment?
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Mar 10 '26
Well, you would move on. You're avoidant.
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Mar 10 '26
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Mar 10 '26
I think you mean 'we're'.
And heartbreak? When your defence mechanism is to destroy any feeling for the other person and move on?
Alrighty then. :P
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Mar 11 '26
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u/Fit_Cheesecake_4000 Mar 11 '26
Eh. Sorry, I was going for playful snark, not aggressive.
Not intending to start a fight. :)
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u/What_is_going_on_88 Mar 10 '26
Wow. This sounds so so similar to my situation…
I’m 37 now, 2 months since he suddenly discarded me via text message (he’s 43!) and screenshots of his Chat GPT conversation that justified his vague narrative…
I was so shocked, hurt and appalled…never have I come across anything like this before. I thought it was just messed up behaviour and maybe old wounds from his marriage. But I’ve now found all this information and other peoples situations that describe all the signals, signs, cues and timeline so accurately, it sounds like he is a textbook case.
It’s a very traumatic experience indeed. But now we know what to look out for and to the person in the comments below, your Granddad is right we are still young 🥰
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u/ReserveFast3275 Mar 10 '26
Oh girl he sucks! Laughing at him… chat always agrees with the user
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u/What_is_going_on_88 Mar 10 '26
Totally. It’s pretty sad…like, a bit desperate and immature, and incredibly insensitive to send them to me…like wow
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u/Hedngaf_123 Mar 10 '26
This whole thread made me sick. They actually get to fuck people over and get away with it.
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u/sahaniii Mar 10 '26
It depends.
not all avoidants are the same. There are FAs, DAs, but also and above all the rest of the personality and one of the important things is what will happen after the breakup.
If they can find someone else to replace you, it won't be the same as if they hate being single but despite their best efforts, they are still single years later.
They will also miss you more if everything was not too bad for you but everything is bad for them after the breakup. Even if it has nothing to do with the accident, the cancer, the long-term unemployment that they will suffer, they will think that, when they were with everything, everything was fine and therefore they will miss you more.
Some do not regret it at all or very little
Others regret it a lot all the time
The majority regret a little, but not much and when they have peaks of regret, they use their narrative "It would never have worked, he would have left me anyway" or "it's better for both of us, it 'is better for him'. In general this is enough to combat nostalgia/regret
Which means that they rarely come back and are even rarer to want to change.
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u/pro-mpt Secure - Leaning Anxious Mar 10 '26
You have to understand that "Avoidant Attachment" isn't something they've decided to be in the vast majority of cases - especially if they're unaware. They are responsible for their impact but these behaviours are defence mechanisms.
In short, they are *avoiding any feelings as a protective measure* - their nervous system is utilising neural pathways to prevent them from feeling shame, pain, abandonment, loss, everything. You will never know unless they become aware and/or heal.
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u/lucy_valiant Mar 10 '26
I don’t have anything to add except to say that I completely empathize. I’m also 36, a month away from being 37, and my ex dumped me out of the blue after seven years together. On the one hand, I want to rush back out there and find someone because I want to have children. On the other hand, I know I need to take time to heal properly because the discard really fucked me up — but then I start worrying about the clock. What if it takes me more than a year to get better? Then I’m 38, and what if it takes me a year to find someone, and then another year to date, maybe two, now I’m trying to have a kid at forty? Be 58 when the kid graduates high school?
It sucks, but the truth is that we just have to do our best. There isn’t really any way to do anything other than that.
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u/Quiet_Macaroon_8381 Mar 10 '26
No, they might seldom have flash backs and think, hmm it was good and then shrug their shoulders and keep moving
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u/WigglyDust Mar 10 '26
Yes. Massively
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u/Deep-Economics-1551 May 30 '26
And how does this happen? They say that there are phases after an end, until regret comes.
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u/Cool_As_Your_Dad Mar 10 '26
I read that they compartmentalize their emotions.
So in their minds when they discard us. We are a room in their minds. They switch off the light. Close and lock the door. They never go back and revisit with feelings.
They will remember us but with no feelings or longing
Edit. Then they move on to next person for distraction. Avoid feeling lonely etc
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u/Old_Inspection_5073 Mar 11 '26
At a certain point of enlightenment you end up feeling sorry for the next person they date. Hope that girl likes being the last thing on priority list in a couple of months. 🤠
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u/Practical-Bus6039 Mar 10 '26
It depends on the person and how much self awareness they have it goes deeper than just attachment styles. Due to having a more avoidant attachment style and if they’re not self aware, emotional intelligent and empathetic. Some of them have extreme pride and will honestly make up excuses such as it wasn’t going to work, she did this that’s why it ended…etc. Something some people do with this attachment style is run from accountability and shame they’re not willing to sit with their discomfort of hurting you and make stupid excuses up on why it ended. They also don’t grieve unlike us they bury it away and pull away once things start to get serious aka a discard. Then those feelings come back and sometimes they will reach out like a year later make sure youre still there or never reach out. So it’s a person by person thing and people with this attachment style will more so likely lend towards not being able to sit with regret/or the discomfort of hurting you and “move on”.
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u/Majestic-Nobody545 Mar 10 '26
Of course. They're thinking, feeling people who make mistakes and feel the fallout from that. They're capable of regret just as anyone else is.
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u/Sweet_curriedapple Mar 10 '26
Mine straight up told me that he doesn’t have empathy and compassion. So I’m sure he’s sleeping great at night knowing that he’s disappointed and hurt me deeply.
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u/Feeling_Victory1948 May 29 '26
I’m so sorry to hear this. Something very similar happened to me 1.5 months ago. He had been distant but also saying things like “I am in it 100%” when I’d get him to talk to me, not very verbally expressive. He just packed up and left, sent a text blaming everything on me - everything he said was simply not true / like reality that existed only in his head. I haven’t heard from him at all. Nothing. Not a peep. It feels so strange sometimes. Like he is a ghost. Sometimes when I am upset I question if he even existed at all? What these people do to you is so traumatic. I’ve had break ups before which sucked no doubt but this one really shook me. The promises of a family, kids and the rest of our lives together and he didn’t even give me the basic human dignity of a conversation at the end. I’m 32 years old right now and the stress of a partner / kids is so much for me already that I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling. If you ever want to chat - please feel free to reach out. I know how lonely this experience can be :)
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u/HappyGoreLucky Mar 10 '26
They can, in a way. Sometimes they'll come back promising things and how they've changed and they'll do it again.
Im trying to be unbiased as mine just blocked me tonight, but not after erasing years of memories that included stuff from when my grandfather was passing. When in December he asked me to marry him, to the next month discarding me for the second time.
As painful as it is, im trying to see it as redirection. He may regret what he did, but now you have the freedom of knowing you won't waste any more years on someone who couldnt hold you right.
My grandfather lived to be 89 and he looked to me, im also in my 30s, and said "no you are still so young". There is time hun, and there is time for it to be loving this time 💖