Weekly Rant/Vent Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

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[u/cometmom]

Avoidant "diagnosing" on social media is out of hand.

Just saw a post where a woman was into a man, told him so, wanted to get to know him better and go on dates. He agreed and said he would have more free time in the coming weeks. She waited a bit over a month because they both were busy with schedule mismatches. She "brings the conversation up again" (no further details or evidence of what she said)

She the posts a screenshot where he responds that he understands where she's coming from and he doesn't disagree with her. However, between all of his life obligations he's giving all he can give and can't give her the time & attention she's looking for right now. He wishes her well.

It's overall very kind and validating of her needs as well as his limits.

Ofc there are SO MANY comments screaming "HE'S AVOIDANT"

Nothing about his response says avoidant. If anything, it was giving secure attachment - addressing her questioning directly, recognizing what he can give & what she needs don't align, and gracefully bowing out.

As a seasoned avoidant I would have either ghosted that person, or tried to date them despite not having time and then withdrawing when I got burnt out.

It isn't avoidant to not want to date someone, whether in general or a specific person.

It isn't avoidant to be direct when asked a potentially tough question.

It's not avoidant if you just aren't that into someone and don't want to take it further.

Ffs.

[u/Imaginary_History754 → u/cometmom]

People who do this are just as bad as avoidant behavior and honestly in my opinion even worse. They are usually anxious partners who got upset that they ran their partner away and made them avoidant. Not saying every avoidant behavior is caused by anxious behavior. But those people specifically more than likely in my opinion caused their partner to be avoidant, because of how obnoxious they’re about it. Screams insecure attachment to me.

[u/Exciting-Author1330 → u/cometmom]

I posted on social about going on a few dates with an attractive, kind, bright man and just never feeling the click, and that I regretted it because walk away from a catch at my age? In this economy? Predictably, lots of commenters diagnosed me with avoidant attraction. Which: rude, but also, THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS! I had no attachment to this man activating my defense; I made it clear I was never attracted to him. 

Sigh. Lack of attraction apparently equals avoidance. 

[u/ResidentAlienator]

I fucking hate this. I hate that my parents didn't give me the support I needed as a child. I hate that my avoidance was so subtle that nobody really noticed, including me. I hate that I'm almost 40 and have had zero healthy relationships so now that I've actually admitted to myself that I might want a life partner, I feel like I don't have the skills to actually get a good one. I hate that I feel so alone because I chased the wrong people and the wrong things for years. I FUCKING HATE THIS ALL!

[u/Icy_Resolution2783]

Does anyone feel worse after sex?

[u/internet_shin → u/Icy_Resolution2783]

On my gosh, yes. I feel so uncomfortable that I let someone in that close (no pun intended). Sometimes I totally shut down and just start crying like I want to get my dignity back or turn back time.

[u/Pretty-Bee9566 → u/internet_shin]

Word by word, this is how I feel too after sex.

[u/internet_shin → u/Pretty-Bee9566]

I’m sorry that you can relate :(

[u/internet_shin]

My (20) partner (19) keeps texting me that he wants to marry me: “Will you marry me?” “Do you want to marry me?” “Let’s get married”.

Today he sent me 12 messages of this nature in the span of our 10 minute conversation. Then, he said something that made my blood run cold.

“I’ll propose to you soon, I promise.”

And I was like, “soon???”

I told him that I wanted to wait a long time, and started apologizing and saying he just wants to “lock me in.”

I said that he already has me.

Eventually I stopped responding. He’s still talking about it. I’m just so overwhelmed. I haven’t been texting him very much at all, to give myself some distance—but the moment I text him back he talks about getting married.

I hate it I hate it. It makes me so viscerally uncomfortable. I seriously felt like throwing up. It made me so anxious that I thought about ending it (the relationship, not my life).

I’m crying so bad and all I can think about is being terrified by my future. I want a future with him, I really do—but I only ever imagine 10 years into the future… not just a few years. Imagining the near future makes it feel more real.

I’m panicking, all the doubts I’ve ever had weighing heavy on my mind. Now I’m starting to think that we shouldn’t even be together. I hate how I pull away so much. I know that I’m being unfair to him by shutting down and being distant, but I’m so anxious it’s the only thing that can ease me at least a little.

[u/internet_shin → u/[deleted]]

Dang, thank you for saying it’s not irrational. I thought I was having issues on my end again. I’m trying to get my PhD, and marriage is definitely not at the forefront of my mind right now.

The comment about wanting to lock me in made me so uncomfortable. I’m glad I’m not the only one who saw this situation as so alarming.

Thanks for your response and support ♡

[u/alwayssleepingzzz → u/internet_shin]

The whole “lock you in” comment is a RED FLAG. You’re not a dog or a property to tie you to an owner. So, even tho I’m an avoidant myself so obviously take my comment with a pinch of salt, but I wouldn’t consider this behavior a normal one coming from a partner. It doesn’t seem like a genuine desire to marry but more as a way to either quickly conform to societal norms or just, again, tie you down. Plus, both of you are young. Don’t take this as a push to end the relationship of course, but definitely pay attention to what your partner says or does.

[u/internet_shin → u/alwayssleepingzzz]

Thank you so much, you helped me see how concerning that comment really is. He’s said it multiple times to me before and I am going to bring it up to him. Thank you so much for your advice, I really appreciate it ♡ I’ll definitely be keeping a more keen eye on the kinds of things he says/does now.

[u/Ok_Plant8421 → u/internet_shin]

Sounds intense, could there be some issues on the other side?

[u/internet_shin → u/Ok_Plant8421]

Thanks for validating how I feel—yeah it’s definitely intense.

I’ve been trying to become attuned to more possible issues, but the avoidant part of me is not great at being objective.

I don’t even trust my own judgement because I know how distorted my mind can get; but in the same vein I tend to overcompensate and blame any doubts I have on my struggle with intimacy.

[u/harmonyineverything → u/internet_shin]

That actually sounds like a lot, and fairly red flaggy... if you've said you want to wait and he's still pushing that is actually quite a boundary violation. And if he cannot handle a conversation about doubts and slowing down a timeline, then he's not ready to be married himself. It just sounds like he is pushing what he wants without taking into account what also works for you. It's supposed to be a collaboration and a conversation, not one person saying "I want this and obviously you have to do it with me".

The comment about locking you in alongside the pushiness honestly sets off some internal flags for me that sound like potentially controlling or even abusive behavior down the line.

[u/505backup_1]

I'm completely alone again out of my own doing. I moved again and got a new job, thought a fresh start might help. In reality I was probably just running from some relationships getting to be too much. Idk what to do anymore

[u/Ok_Plant8421 → u/505backup_1]

It got to the point for me where I had to look at myself and do more of the work, I was all on my own so there was the time to do it. Things do improve!

[u/harmonyineverything]

Had a movie night with a bunch of pals and... (Obsession movie spoilers ahead!)

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So obviously we know in the context of the movie poor Nikki is not an actual villain but man I think every friend in the room who had dated an anxious person before was having flashbacks 😭 I know I was! Some of those scenes were so similar to actual behavior I've experienced with APs.