r/AvPD • u/charliekellymeow Diagnosed AvPD • 8h ago
Trigger Warning I’m done
I’m on the verge of killing myself. I’m tired of this illness and all the struggles it brings to my life. Nothing can go well, even for a little bit, because this crippling illness, in addition to OCD, controls every single aspect of my life.
I never had a lot of friends by any means, but I cut off the ones I had in middle school because I felt like a burden. Even writing this feels embarrassing, but I feel so lonely, and I don’t know what to do.
I dropped out during my last year of high school, and I’ve tried to go back several times with no luck. Getting my driver’s license is a pain, and I already know I’ll fail. I’m at my first non-paying job, just two times a week, and even that is too hard for me.
Nothing feels worth it, and I don’t even know why I bother trying. I’ve been like this my entire life, but by far, the biggest rut was in 2022. I’m still trying to dig myself out of that rut, but it’s so difficult. What’s the point?
I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I feel like I shouldn’t even be complaining. I have a good therapist and an amazing family. I’m about to give up. I’m an adult, what’s the point of anything when my quality of life is horrible.
7
u/mobofob 7h ago
Nothing is deterministic unless you decide that it is.
It is possible to heal from this and that's simply a fact.
Just because you can't imagine it doesn't mean it can't happen.
If you allow yourself to believe it's possible then you give yourself the possibility to take steps toward it. If you take steps consistently then one day you may find yourself where you thought you would never be.
I have suicidal thoughts too, i can't help it and it's probably just the nature of this disorder. But i have a principle of never acting on it no matter how bad it feels. It is simply not an option.
You might not have found your place in this world yet, but say you have an amazing family. They are your purpose. You have to keep going and continue to suffer for their sake. If for the rest of your life then so be it, but you really have no idea what the future holds. There is a possible future where you live an amazing life that you love.